Eid Ul Fitri 2013

Last year we spent the Eid ul Fitri in mediocrity because my dad just passed away. My mom didn’t actually have the heart to celebrate at all. But when my brother insisted, she prepared some food for us and also for family members who came to visit. I think at that time she was trying hard to put up a strong fight against her bereavement.

 

This year…it was much lesser than that. I spent the eve of Eid ul Fitri together with my two kids at the house. Just for sake of keeping the spirit alive. Because every year we would have people from the madrasah came to the house after Isya’ prayers to perform the Takbir. We had them last year, in spite of. I didn’t see why we shouldn’t do it this year too. So I made plans with our neighbours to prepare food for the night, just like we had done previously.

 

It was a lonely day. The feeling of void was there. Always. Tugging at my heart. And I was trying hard not to break down. I guess that was how Mak would’ve felt last year. After Maghrib, we sent the food to the neighbour’s house. It was nothing much. I prepared desserts – fruits and fruit punch plus some delicacies. When the crowd came at about 9.30 p.m. my neighbour’s husband brought them in. It felt so awkward, not having men in the house. I wished my husband was there.

I’ve prepared some money in the Raya packets to give away. I gave them to the neighbour’s husband so that he could help me distribute them to the jemaah. After the Takbir and a short du’a they asked me to say a few word. Gosh…it was embarrassing! I spoke to them on behalf of my late father and mother, thanked them for coming and told them that we’ve prepared food at the neighbour’s house. After the men had left to other houses in the neighbourhood, I sat down with the ladies to eat. It was very very very awkward. But we sat and talked, occasionally about my mom, while the kids played with fire crackers, til about 12am. Then we all went home to rest.

Again, I went back to an empty house. Very empty. Usually my mom would’ve been busy in the kitchen preparing ‘rendang’ a spicy coconut milk gravy with chicken or beef, to eat with ‘lemang’ – glutinous rice stuffed in bambu and ‘grilled’ over fire. The tugging feeling felt even more.
The next morning I couldn’t get the kids to get up early. Perhaps they slept very late that night. So I missed my Eid ul Fitri prayers that morning. I spent the morning attending to their clothes. I need to pack up for JB later that day. While doing that I was listening to the Takbir on TV. It was so heart wrenching and the flood gate was opened. I couldn’t stop crying. I missed my mom and dad. And I missed my husband who was in JB that time. The kids woke up around 9am. Then we got ready and I took them to visit my parents. I read the Yaasiin for both of them. When we got home, we went to visit the neighbours.

We were supposed to be happy on the morning of Eid ul Fitri. It was a symbol of glory, winning and celebration for the month spent fasting before. But I didn’t feel the glory. I didn’t feel the happiness. It was all done in spite. As people often said to me “life has to go on”. Of course it has to. Though it would never be the same anymore.



Abah's grave at the back, Mak's forefront

Mak and Abah (mom and dad) will always be loved and sorely missed. Not a thing in this world can replace them. Al-Fatihah (Al-Quran 1: 1 – 7).

- This article was posted on Wordpress August 10, 2013