A Helping Hand

I took my kids for ice skating yesterday. That was the first time for me and them. I thought it was fairly easy, because I used to roller skate, but it wasn't! So I just hang on to the sides and never dared to move to the center. Finally, I stopped and quit. But while I was trying to move along the side, there were people who held out their hands to help me move forward. When I had to go over someone else, hands were offered to help me find my balance and keep moving. I never knew those people.

My daughter, like me, was very scared. She watched others fall down so she became afraid. And she too, hang on to the sides. Then there was a half-hour break when they clean the rink, we had to get out. After the break, my daughter picked up her courage to move to the center. She fell down many times until her clothes were drenched wet. But she had fun.

While I watched the rink from the outside, I saw that whenever someone fell down, there's always someone else to help them get up. Friends and strangers alike helped others when they were in need. Even those who were still new, extended their helping hands to others and sometimes, they fell down together. It was hilarious.

My daughter being assisted

But two great things I learned from that sight:
1. We should never be afraid to fall down. What's most important is, whenever we fall down, we have to get back up.
2. Whenever we fall down, there will always be a helping hand to help us get back up. So we should never be afraid.

So I'll take this learning for my next skating trip. That, I challenge myself. I will also teach my kids about this new learning.

Moving On

2012 and 2013 were not good years for me. Abah and Mak (my father and my mother) left me for good, respectively. In fact, half of my adolescent and adult life were not good for me because I was still harping on the past. Hanging on to those heartbreaks and frustrations. I was carrying the burden of those yesteryears. I became angry and revengeful.

Then I spent half of 2014 missing my Mak and Abah terribly. I still do (will always do). I won't even hear of people trying to take away their things. Their belongings. But I have decided to move on. I have decided to let go of the sadness. Let go of the anger, the revenge. I feel soooooo much better now. And I'm looking forward to a brand new life. I'm looking forward to 2015. This new year will be the year for me to rebuild my life.

I'm moving on. I'm moving on.

I am the Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul

I just love this poem. It was written by William Ernest Henley (1849–1903) in 1875. It was given the title "Invictus" by Arthur Quiller-Couch (no date reference given). This poem was read by Morgan Freeman in the film "Invictus". Invictus is Latin for 'unconquered".

 I'd read it every time I started doubting myself. I especially like the last two verses.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

Self Regulating

Almost every day I'd read news about accidents. Sadly, most of them involved fatalities. Sometimes they were reported as speeding, sometimes because of road conditions, sometimes because of negligence. It was sad, reading those news. Heart wrenching, even, to look at the gruesome photos.

When I was driving around, I think I'd know why accidents happen. Like for example, one car skidded and hit the road barrier. All on its own. How? Why did that not happen to other cars? On rainy days, while driving along the highway, more often than not I'd see a few cars involved in accidents - bumper to bumper. Sometimes on its own. How? Why?

I can also see a lot of motorcyclists speeding, not wearing helmets, go against the red lights, go against the traffic and overtake on left side instead of right. On the highway, I'd see them following closely behind lorries (especially), I think because they wanted to get away from the wind.

To me, most of the accidents occurred because of negligence. Either negligence of the second party or the first party. Of course, nobody 'wanted' to get involved in accidents. But without realising, their behaviours tend to increase the risk of getting into fatal accidents. Speeding caused fatality when involved in accidents. I'm not good at physics, but I would think that when something is moving fast, it would definitely create bigger impact when it hits on something. 

Apart from speed, not wearing helmets could contribute to fatality when involved in accidents because your head is not protected. So would going against the red lights, so on and so forth. Yet when accidents happened, people blame the authorities for not being able to take proper actions or their lack of initiatives to prevent accidents from happening.

I don't deny the fact that our roads can be very dark at night. Then again, if it's dark, we should drive carefully according to the speed limit. Below, not beyond. What I mean to say is....we should be able to self-regulate ourselves. We know the rules and regulations of driving and riding a motor vehicle the moment we took driving classes for the driving license. So everyone who has a valid driving license should already know the rules and regulations. But the trend is, as long as there is no police officer then we can go against the rules.

Picture a four-junction without traffic lights. See how chaotic the traffic can be at peak periods. That's exactly how chaotic the road is if people just simply refused to abide by the rules. The way I look at it, a person of integrity would follow the rules no matter where he/she is. And following the rules might save your live, the lives of your loved ones and the lives of other road users.

I'd say "Self Regulating Starts From Me".

The Leader In Me

I am a second child. I grew up learning that a second child is best being a follower than a leader. Compared to first child whom they say are naturally born leaders. So I carried that picture throughout my life. I was never good at leading a team. I felt I was only good when I work alone and on my own. That’s what I was ingrained to believe.

 

Then I made a dash at attending this Ultimate Leadership Certification camp in September this year. It was a 5-days’ camp. I thought this is going to be a breakthrough for me. Or perhaps trying to prove myself that I am worthy of being a leader. That camp was so intense that I broke down on the third day. I couldn’t take it anymore. What’s the point? I didn’t think I fare very well with my teammates. I missed my kids terribly at that time. All I could think of was to pack up and leave. Then a dear friend of mine convinced me to stay on. I mean, I’ve actually learned this from the very beginning of my journey with Success Resources – that we don’t just GET to the finish line, we go THROUGH the finish line. So I stayed. By end of the camp, I got my certificate and I got something else too…my COURAGE.

 

Throughout the camp, I always have the same thought that I wasn’t good at being a leader. Never was. Never will. But they gave me a chance. Every once in a while in the activities, I was made to lead the team. The crux of the matter was not about the activity or the game itself but it was about how I conducted myself as a leader of the team. The moment I came back from the camp, the first thing I thought to myself was “To be a leader, I have to be able to lead myself first. So what was it that I’ve been wanting to do?”.  And that’s when I made the decision to quit from my job.

 

I’ve actually done the same feat back in 2010. But then, it was for the wrong reasons. I quit my job then, for the wrong reasons. And I wasn’t ready to take actions. Now I am confident that I made the right decision. I am ready to DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to succeed as a working-from-home mom.

 

I’m doing this for my family and I’m doing this for myself. I’ve been wanting to work on my own for ages but I didn’t have the guts to do so. Now is the chance. If I don’t do this now, I’ll never do it at all. I’ve invested a lot of money to build myself up. I’m not going to waste all that for doing nothing! I’m going to take charge of my own life from now on. I’m going to lead myself to success.

 

What ever the odds are, I will take it on. I pray that God will always give me the strength and the courage to keep moving on. Insya Allah.

  

-This article was published on Wordpress November 11, 2014.

 

Sacrifice, what?

A few years ago, I experienced a very difficult time in my life. I didn’t have a job yet I had so much financial commitments, too heavy a burden for my husband to carry alone. Day by day tension gripped our lives and the situation became worse. I had to borrow lots of money from family and friends just to ensure that the companies didn’t file bankruptcy against me. I became hostile towards my husband because I thought that he was unable to fend for us. When actually it was all my fault. My own doing.

 

When things got better and I was able to manage my financials, all of a sudden I was declared a bankrupt by a hire purchase company because the borrower defaulted his payment. I was the sole guarantor. It was a very frustrating episode. Very frustrating. To think that I had done all I could to avoid being made a bankrupt then suddenly I became one and it was not even my fault! I couldn’t accept it at first. I was frustrated. Angry. Furious! Especially at my husband. I didn’t tell anyone about it because I didn’t want my parents to know. Bankruptcy was a taboo for them. So I kept on praying for Allah to show me the way. To get me (get us) out of the situation. I had two options i.e. to pay a lump sum and clear my name before the other creditors found out OR to pay in monthly instalment for a certain period of time and let the other creditors found out about my status.

 

At that time, our concern was the house. If the bank took it away, where would we live? My main concern was my goodwill. I have all throughout my working life been safeguarding my name against bankruptcy. In that situation, I fought with my husband a lot. It was all about getting the money. Then it hit me that it was all a test. His test. All the things in my life was His. Actually. Including my body and soul. And if my marriage broke up, the satan would be very happy. I shouldn’t have worried about losing the properties. Even the house. Those were not mine anyway. I should put my faith fully in Allah and that He would take care of us.

 

So I told my husband that if we could not find the means to pay in lump sum, we could just pay a minimum amount on monthly basis. I told him that I didn’t care about the house anymore. If it was fated for us to lose the house, so be it.  Even though I have worked so hard to earn that house. I was just willing to let go.

 

I submitted myself to God. I asked for His forgiveness. I asked for His guidance. I asked for His wisdom. Finally, He paved the way for us. He gave my husband a sum of money to pay a lump sum. The whole process was smooth. My name was cleared in no time. I was so grateful for that. So so so grateful! I was also grateful that He had avoided the other creditors from reporting us. So we had to pay only that sum of money owed to the hire purchase company. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

 



Photo credit of Amir Rozaini Ahmad Rani

Yesterday was the day when Muslims around the world celebrated the Eid Ul Adha to honor the willingness of prophet Ibrahim a.s. to sacrifice his own son, Ismail. Not only that, it was also in honor of Ismail who was willing to let himself be slaughtered by his own father, for sake of Allah. In celebrating the day, Muslims would slaughter cows, goats, lambs and such to symbolise the sacrifice made by Ibrahim and Ismail. I embraced this day in remembrance of the experience I’ve had. Though I wasn’t about to lose my life nor the life of my loved ones, it was painful nonetheless. The very thought of losing the house, tainting my good name and being a bankrupt was all too daunting. But once I decided to let them all go, to be accepting, be willing, the difficult situation became easier. The burden was lifted off my shoulders. And Allah helped me settled it.

 

From that day on, I’ve had a new perspective of Eid Ul Adha. It was not about the slaughtering, but it was about the spirit behind the sacrifice. That actually, when one is willing, there is no sacrifice at all.

 

-This article was published on Wordpress October 16, 2013.

 

All in 44 Years

 

44 years ago I was born in a house on 96 Jalan Pekeliling, Kuala Lipis, Pahang. I was the second child of a teacher-couple Ahmad Rani Idris and Ragayah Hj Ismayatim. Since then I’ve had a blessed life. I remember growing up in that house with someone to take care of me, apart from Wan and Tok (my grandma and grandpa). Kak Enab, Wa Zah, Kak Mah, Mak Timah, just to name a few, who would cook and look after my wellbeing. I went to the Clifford Primary School (Sek. Ren. Clifford) til I was 12. Then we moved to Raub where I went to the Methodist Girls School (Primary) and later on to Methodist Girls School (Secondary) til I was 15, where I sat for my SRP (Sijil Rendah Pelajaran) now known as PMR. Then I went to Mahmud School, Raub til I was 17 where I sat for my SPM (Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia).

 

Well, I actually had the opportunity to go to a boarding school after SRP but Mak didn’t let me go. She said the school had water issues. But the truth is, they won’t let me out of their sight. After SPM, I went to Lower Six for a while before I was called to register in ITM Shah Alam. Mak said Abah had to let me go then, for my future’s sake. They were very protective of me. And that sort of made me a rebel.

After college, I was unemployed for about three months. Then I got a job with a shipping company in Port Klang. It was in 1991. Since then, I was away from home til two years ago. I became very independent. In mid 2000, led by a major heartbreak, I moved to Johor where I had no family and only a few friends. That move sort of made my grandpa worried. But I told him it was only temporary. A few months later he passed away. Oh, my grandma passed away long before, when I was still in college. I could still remember my uncle asking me how long will I be staying in Johor and I told him that if I couldn’t find a suitor, I’d be back in two years. Fate has it that I found my suitor and we got married in 2004. I was 35. I gave birth to my daughter when I was 37 and to my son, a year later.

 

Now that I’m 44, I’d like to look back to my whole journey in life and would summarise it as follows:

 

In Kampung Tempoyang, Kuala Lipis, Pahang
At the back was Tok's Beetle

My childhood life was full of fun and tender loving care. I was surrounded by a close knit family to whom I got too attached to, especially my late aunt – Mak Long Zawiyah (arwah). She was like a second mother to me cause I spent a lot of time at her house in Kuala Atok and experienced the kampung (village) life to the fullest. My only friend then (other than friends at school) was my elder brother til he went to boarding school when he was 12.

 

Netball Team, MGS Raub

 

My teenage life was full of energy – activities and sports. I was in to netball and field sports (100m, 200m, 400m, 4x200m, long jump and jogathon); too scared for hockey. I was also in to a lot of performances – poetry, story telling, singing and acting; and I was also on the Bahasa Malaysia debate team, apart from the Puteri Islam and Arts societies. Yup, I was a ‘socialite’ then. Heh. No wonder I turned out to be a tomboy. During my teens, I was a happy-go-lucky brat. Trying so hard to find myself. To try and understand love. But I was lucky that I had a very supportive group of friends. They were at par with me – not too spoiled, not too naughty, not lacking in studies either. I think I owe my well-to-do SRP and SPM results to them!



Jelawang Waterfall, Kuala Krai

My adolescent life was full of confusion. Though it was still a fun and exciting life. I got to experience love and heartbreaks. I got to experience the truth in Islam and understand why I was born to this world. I got to experience having my own money and to prove my own’s worth. Best of all, I got to experience nature by going on jungle trekking expeditions. Basically, I got to do what I had been wanting to do. Only that when I looked back now, I wished that I had known how to save and invest my money. I could’ve been very rich by now!

 

My adult life (and that’s when I reach 40, I guess) was of a dilemma. A life full of responsibilities. At some point I think I’ve turned myself into a grouch. I don’t think I’ve enjoyed being an adult. I was a stylo person, before I got married. I used to have colour-schemed clothes and accessories to go with ‘em. I used to wear high heels and quite fashionable, too. Perhaps due to the dilemma (some said ‘mid-life crisis’) I forgot to take care of myself. I didn’t care what clothes I was wearing and whether they were mis-matched. I wore high heels no more, not even a smack of lipstick. I lost track of my fashion instinct. I gained a lot of weight since I got pregnant and didn’t have the urge to shed them off. Til now.

 

ITM, Shah Alam

I got to experience all sorts of emotions – happiness, craziness, sadness, grievance, depression, etc. The happiest, I think, was when I gave birth to my daughter. She was the best gift I’ve ever got. She was my parents’ first grandchild. And less than a year later I got my son, another great gift. Not only I gave my husband an heir, I gave my parents their first grandson. Due to their attachment to the kids and since I’ve never had the chance to really live in with them, I decided to move back to Bentong some time in 2011. A good start which ended with tears.

My Abah passed away in August 2012, about one and a half years after I moved in.

 

I thought that I had never done enough to take care of him as a daughter. I was too engrossed with my own family life. So I tried to take care of my Mak since then. Now that my Mak has gone to join my Abah in heaven, I became to rethink what my priorities are. I’m a workaholic, you see. All the time my mind is filled with things about work. How to improve this, what should I do next, who should I email to, etc etc etc. I could spend all night doing my work that I’d spend so little time to go over my children’s school work. I know, I’m missing a lot on them. That’s why I said I became to rethink what my priorities are.

 

Looking back, I know I’ve always been blessed with all the good things in life. I’ve never experienced hunger, though at times I did fall short of cash. I’ve never experienced not having a roof over my head. Now I’ve got what I’ve dreamed of having years ago. I’ve got my own house, a good husband, two great kids and a good job. My working life has given me a lot of opportunities to learn from others in various aspects. I owe it to my Abah for instilling the ‘hunger for knowledge’ in me through reading and learning. So I’ve acquired a lot of knowledge throughout. I was also fortunate that throughout those years, I had good people as my superiors. And I learned a lot from them, too. They were my teachers in working life.

 

All in all, the past 44 years have given me so much wealth in knowledge and experience that I wouldn’t trade them for anything else. I may not live for another 44 years! Knowing that my adult life was not as interesting, I think I had to search for that happy-go-lucky gal again. I may not go to the extent of being as crazy as I was then (though it was a great thing, being crazy). Who knows..the next chapters of my life would be more interesting and meaningful.

 



My Future



 

 

-This article was published on Wordpress September 21, 2013
 

Reality Check

 

Earlier today the Government announced a price hike on petrol of 20 sen. So there was some chaos at the petrol stations where people queued up to get a full tank. Someone asked me to do the same. But I said “what for?”. I mean, it’s not like the price was hiked only for the night. If I filled up the tank tonight, it’ll dry up sooner or later and I still have to fill it in with the new price. Duhhh…

 

 

It was a frenzy on Facebook. Almost everyone was posting comments about it on their Walls and on their friends’ Walls and on their friends’ friends’ Walls. Most of ‘em thought of it negatively and I was playing along. There’s nothing much we can do about it, anyway. And no regrets to the Government of my choice during the General Election either. Oppss..! Did I just wrote that? Heh.

 

But let’s look at it from a different perspective. I’m no expert in economy so I’m not gonna blab about the ringgits and sens. I’m looking at it from what I’ve learned and from how I changed my own lifestyle. You see, all the while, since I started working, I would spend my salary mercilessly on unnecessary things. As my salary increased, so did my spending. I would end up having the same amount of money in my bank account year after year after year after year after year. Even though my salary increased almost very year. How did that happen?

 

When I came across this book – Secrets of The Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker, I started to realise that it was all in the ‘Blueprint’. My behavior towards money was the result of my money blueprint that I either inherited from my parents or that I sub-consciously learned from past experience. That’s how I ended up with the same amount of money in my bank account every month.

 

Since then I started to practise the principles given in that book. Finally, I got the chance to attend the seminar in December last year and it was an amazing experience! I started to practise even more. I still had the same amount of money in my bank account. BUT! Yes, there is a ‘BUT’ I also have some money in my savings account. At the same time, I have some money for donations, too. Now, is that good or good?

 

The guiding principle is to divide the net income into 6 parts : 50%, 10%, 10%, 10%, 10% and 10%. Here’s the breakdown:

50% is called the Necessity Account. This is where I got to spend on my necessities – meals, groceries, parkings, toll fees, fuel, school fees, tuition fees, rents, etc.

 

The first 10% is called the Financial Freedom Account (FFA a/c). This is where got to use the money for my retirement years. I will invest the amount in fixed deposits, Unit Trusts, savings accounts & such. The principle here is to treat the amount as the ‘Golden Goose’ that lays the golden eggs. You should never ‘kill’ the Golden Goose. That means you can’t spend the principal investment. It’ll be better if you don’t spend on the bonuses and profits either. Just re-invest so that you’ll have more golden eggs.

 

 

 

The second 10% is called the Long Term Saving to Spend Account (LTSS a/c). This is where I got to spend for something that I want in the near future. For example I am now saving for myself and my family to perform Umroh next year (if God’s willing). So I will keep this 10% in the Hajj savings account. If you wish to buy something expensive, like a house or a car or an iPad then you can use the money from this account. You can also use this account to settle off your debts bit by bit. For example, start with paying for one of your credit card bills. Finish it off then start to pay off the other.

 

The third 10% is called the Education Account. We don’t usually spend for our own self development. Of course sometimes we will buy the motivational books, listen to motivational CDs and all but that’s it. We don’t really invest in our own self-development. We were too busy doing and performing for others. So use the money in this account to go to seminars, trainings, conventions, buy home study courses, etc that would benefit us in the long run. Every month, this account must be emptied. I have, for the past one year, spent a lot on seminars by paying monthly instalment, using this account.

The fourth 10% is called the Play Account. We spent as little for ourselves as we spent for our own self-development. Sometimes we spent for clothings or maybe a spa treatment. But those were off the cuff spending. This account would give us the privilege to pamper ourselves, to reward ourselves for all the hard work and to let off some steam. So I will use the money from this account to buy things that would make me happy. I will spend all the money from this account on a monthly basis.
The fifth 10% is called the Give Account. We have to spend all the money from this account for donations either in cash or kind. This is how we should thank God for all the money that He has given us.

So there…that’s how I spend my money nowadays. So I will keep my expenses just within those percentages. If my necessities become more than 50%, I can adjust it to as much as 60%. But that’s about it. Actually the most you can go is 70% but that’ll make the other ‘Accounts’ suffer with less amount. The most important thing is, I need to be realistic with my spending. I need to be more prudent. If I can’t stretch my necessity account any more, then I will have to do some re-adjustment. Perhaps reduce my spending.

I’ve just started this from the beginning of this year. It takes a lot of discipline and self-reminder. It takes a lot of courage to fight off that urge to spend mercilessly because the old habit of thinking “it’s my money, so I deserve to spend it” is still there. By end of the day, I realised that it’s all about inculcating new habits. I have to keep on reminding myself to put in a ringgit or my lose coins in the FFA jar every day. And slowly but surely, I am now settling some of my debts so that my personal commitments to the banks is reduced by almost 70% in the next three (3) years!

When we have this new habit kicks in, we won’t be in such a knee jerk reaction or a panicky state when some costs go up or some subsidies were withdrawn or some new expenses came along. We won’t get so frustrated and become so violent. We just have to make some reality checks along the way.

-This article was published on Wordpress September 3, 2013

Independence Day

Today is Malaysia’s 56th year of Independence.

 

What’s the country’s Independence means to me? Well…here goes.

 

I was born after the country gained her Independence. YEARSSSS after. So I don’t actually know what happened then or what happened before we got the Independence. But I’ve heard a lot of stories from my grandad and my grandma. Theirs were gruesome stories of the Japanese and communists era and how terrified they were then. The effect on my grandad was that he couldn’t stand us throwing away used clothes and wasting away food. It was scarce, during the Japanese invasion, he said, and also during the communists terrorism. They had to hide how little food they had so that it wouldn’t be snatched. Not much was complained about the British. Though my grandad despised Mat Salleh. He could understand English even though he didn’t speak it (I learned what ‘unconditional love’ means, through him).

 

No, honouring the Independence of Malaya and thereafter Malaysia, was not something that was ‘taught’ to me. It was just through observation and reading the histories apart from listening to my grandad’s recounts of events. Sad enough that we had to declare an Independence of our own soil which was actually invaded and colonised by others. We were not naturally colonised, weren’t we? Something like a Trademark or Intellectual Property that we created and was taken by others and then we won the legal battle to get it back.

 

Not necessarily am I not patriotic when I speak English more than I speak Malay. As I usually said “I think in Malay but I write and speak in English”. Not necessarily am I not a patriot just because I seldom wear the baju kurung and rarely wear the batik sarong. Not necessarily am I lacking of patriotism when I applauded the major development of Malaysia.

 

No, we can’t judge one’s patriotism through just an observation. We cannot pass judgement against the spirit of nationalism in others just because they fail to observe the Malaysian culture. Who knows, the spirit is much stronger in others.

 

Listening to the deafening sounds of the jet fighters flying above KL Sentral earlier today, I couldn’t help but imagine if I were to hear that kind of sound every day and every night, coupled with the sound of explosions, burning buildings, dead bodies all around and chaos. Couldn’t imagine the type of life my fellow brothers and sisters in war-torn countries are living right now. Couldn’t imagine the fright of having to lose my house and my family to a frightful hurricane or tornado or earthquake or erupting volcanoes. Then the deafening sound faded away and I was glad. I was grateful. I was happy. I was contented. That I am here, in Malaysia. That I was born to this beautiful country; grew up; made a lot of friends namely Malays, Chinese, Indians, Serani, Sikhs, Muslims, Christians, Buddhists, Hindus and others; worked with many foreigners including those from France, Holland, Netherlands, Germany, America, Japan,Taipei, Thailand, Singapore and Indonesia; had my education from primary school until I graduated and now working HERE, in this blessed land called MALAYSIA.

 

What more could a human being asked for?

 

Independence is about appreciating the harmony, diversity, robust development, opportunities, abundance, prosperous and peaceful environment that we are enjoying right now. I might want to go abroad. I might want to go and visit other countries, had a taste of different weather and foreign cultures. But never, the thought of migrating to another country.

So if you ask me about my patriotism…this is my answer : I am a Malaysian. Always have. Always will be.

- This article was published on Wordpress August 31, 2013.

Adapt

A simple word that carries a big meaning. One who knows how to adapt oneself to any situation that they were being pushed into, would  survive the challenge and acquire priceless experience. Some people don’t actually know how to adapt themselves to a given situation. They tend to find an easy way out. That is, to get out from the situation. By doing so, they failed to realise their own potentials. They failed to challenge themselves in different situation and learn from the process.

I’ve seen many a times when people failed to adapt themselves. And I’ve also seen many a times when people found it easy to adapt. I’ve since learned that adapting to a situation requires certain set of skills that can be learned. Else one will have to spend a longer time to adapt and also make a lot of mistakes along the way. Sometimes, costly mistakes. So why reinvent the wheel? Learn how to adapt to a situation and you will find it easier for you and also the others around you.

By asking you to learn the skills do not necessarily mean that you will skip the process of learning from your mistakes. Even when you have acquired the skills of adapting you might find yourself in different situations at any given time. So you will need to make adjustments and while making the adjustments, you might make some mistakes. Here and there. But not to worry…if you already have the skills, you’ll rectify your mistakes in a jiffy.

-This article was published on Wordpress August 20, 2013

Eid Ul Fitri 2013

Last year we spent the Eid ul Fitri in mediocrity because my dad just passed away. My mom didn’t actually have the heart to celebrate at all. But when my brother insisted, she prepared some food for us and also for family members who came to visit. I think at that time she was trying hard to put up a strong fight against her bereavement.

 

This year…it was much lesser than that. I spent the eve of Eid ul Fitri together with my two kids at the house. Just for sake of keeping the spirit alive. Because every year we would have people from the madrasah came to the house after Isya’ prayers to perform the Takbir. We had them last year, in spite of. I didn’t see why we shouldn’t do it this year too. So I made plans with our neighbours to prepare food for the night, just like we had done previously.

 

It was a lonely day. The feeling of void was there. Always. Tugging at my heart. And I was trying hard not to break down. I guess that was how Mak would’ve felt last year. After Maghrib, we sent the food to the neighbour’s house. It was nothing much. I prepared desserts – fruits and fruit punch plus some delicacies. When the crowd came at about 9.30 p.m. my neighbour’s husband brought them in. It felt so awkward, not having men in the house. I wished my husband was there.

I’ve prepared some money in the Raya packets to give away. I gave them to the neighbour’s husband so that he could help me distribute them to the jemaah. After the Takbir and a short du’a they asked me to say a few word. Gosh…it was embarrassing! I spoke to them on behalf of my late father and mother, thanked them for coming and told them that we’ve prepared food at the neighbour’s house. After the men had left to other houses in the neighbourhood, I sat down with the ladies to eat. It was very very very awkward. But we sat and talked, occasionally about my mom, while the kids played with fire crackers, til about 12am. Then we all went home to rest.

Again, I went back to an empty house. Very empty. Usually my mom would’ve been busy in the kitchen preparing ‘rendang’ a spicy coconut milk gravy with chicken or beef, to eat with ‘lemang’ – glutinous rice stuffed in bambu and ‘grilled’ over fire. The tugging feeling felt even more.
The next morning I couldn’t get the kids to get up early. Perhaps they slept very late that night. So I missed my Eid ul Fitri prayers that morning. I spent the morning attending to their clothes. I need to pack up for JB later that day. While doing that I was listening to the Takbir on TV. It was so heart wrenching and the flood gate was opened. I couldn’t stop crying. I missed my mom and dad. And I missed my husband who was in JB that time. The kids woke up around 9am. Then we got ready and I took them to visit my parents. I read the Yaasiin for both of them. When we got home, we went to visit the neighbours.

We were supposed to be happy on the morning of Eid ul Fitri. It was a symbol of glory, winning and celebration for the month spent fasting before. But I didn’t feel the glory. I didn’t feel the happiness. It was all done in spite. As people often said to me “life has to go on”. Of course it has to. Though it would never be the same anymore.



Abah's grave at the back, Mak's forefront

Mak and Abah (mom and dad) will always be loved and sorely missed. Not a thing in this world can replace them. Al-Fatihah (Al-Quran 1: 1 – 7).

- This article was posted on Wordpress August 10, 2013



Life As It Is

So much has been going on in my life for the past 3 years or so. Back in 2010 I’ve resigned from the previous company where I’ve worked for 10 years. From then til end of 2011 I tried to make it on my own but to no avail. Then I got a job in KL and moved in to live with my parents. My kids went to school there, much to the delight of my dad who became their chaperone. I had to commute from Bentong to KL on daily basis.

Earlier, I would take the bus as early as 6am and the journey took about 2 hours to reach the office. I’d usually take the last bus home which departed at 9pm. So I’d arrive home about 11pm. That was like a daily routine. Sometimes, when work is too much I would stay overnight at my cousin’s in KL. My parents would take care of the kids.

Fate has it that my dad were to pass away on 2nd August 2012. We were 12 days into the fasting month of Ramadhan then. It was so sudden. He was hospitalised for high blood pressure on Saturday. He was discharged on Wednesday, the evening of 1st August. Later that night, he fell in his room and died on the way to the hospital. Medically speaking, he could’ve got a heart attack. Since then my mom got sick. I guess losing her soulmate and life partner was too much to bear. Though she was diagnosed for having kidney failure earlier this year, she didn’t show any signs of improvement even after a few weeks being warded in a private hospital. She finally succumbed to her illness (and possibly grieve) on 25th June 2013. Yes, that was just recently. And it was only about two weeks before Ramadhan.

As I wrote, we are already in the 21st day of Ramadhan. Short of 9 days to go before the Eid ul Fitri. This time around, I won’t have both my parents to celebrate it with.

I had lots to write about that particular episode. Maybe I’ll do it later. For now, this is just a synopsis of what has been going on in my life. I’m glad that God has given me this challenge. So that I’m on my toes all the time. So that I won’t be in my comfort zone so much. So that I am able to take on the challenge and become wiser and stronger. So that I am able to accept life as it is.

Til then.

-This article was posted on Wordpress July 30, 2013.