Five Years in Summary

Soon, very soon, 2015 is going to leave us. And soon, very soon, 2016 will come a knocking.

Reflecting on my life the past 6 years, this is to summarise it:
2010 - Anger & Frustration
2011 - Repentance
2012 & 2013 - Sadness
2014 - Trying Hard To Forget
2015 - Peace & Coming Home

For 2016, I place my hope. So it'll be a year of Hope.

Reflection

Tonight I had the chance to reflect on my life. I mean, really reflect.

I have carried this hurt, this pain, this frustration and this disappointment for 20 years. Yes, that is a long time. In suffering those feelings, I became angry and laid it out on other people. I wasn't being a happy person. I wasn't being me. I blamed it on those who have hurt me, those whom I consider the cause of this hurt, this pain, this frustration, this disappointment. People often say "time would heal". I can't deny that. Yes, time would heal. But it took me 20 years! That was almost half my life.

I've wasted away my youth. I was trying to find 'true happiness' and yet, I led myself to being hurt one after another. Then I became a workaholic. I failed to see all the beautiful things that have happened to me along the way. I wasn't being ungrateful, no. I was only living my life on 'auto pilot' (if you know what I mean). I couldn't appreciate the life that I was living. How foolish of me.

Then, God gave me the opportunity to heal. He showed me how to find myself. Again. I am glad. Because then I was able to really get it into my head and my heart that all these while, it wasn't those people who made my life miserable. It was me. I failed to understand that it was all fated. Written in my Book long before I was put into my mother's womb. I know about it, but I failed to make my thoughts and my feelings understand it. But since God has opened my heart to Him, I finally do understand. The feeling was like coming out to the open after being shut in a dark room. Everything became clear to me. And I really felt like a bonehead!

As Jennifer Steed would have put it, I "came home". I am now at peace. I am myself. I am so grateful that Allah has given me this chance yet again to find my true path. Allah is the AlMighty. He made everything happen according to His Qudrah and Iradah. Indeed, He has given me everything that I NEED. And I realise that now. And I pray that He will guide me on the right path til the day I go back to Him. Insya Allah.

‪#‎AllahKnowsBest‬

Soul Search

I have to admit, ever since I quit my job in December 2014, I have been a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). I send my kids to school, pick them up, do the laundry and cook.

Day after day, it becomes monotonous. Most of the time I'll be wondering what to cook because I've been cooking the same dish day after day. However, I am grateful that my husband and my kids are not picky eaters. They will eat whatever I serve on the table. Though sometimes they will request what dish they want me to cook. And I would oblige.

I have also been praying and reading the Al Quran. A realisation came to me when I was warded in the hospital on the second day of Ramadhan. I realised that I have not been a good servant. When I was working, I didn't take care of my prayers. Most of the time I didn't complete the five times.

But since Ramadhan, I have been praying and reading the Al Quran so much that I think I prayed and read the Al Quran verses more in these few months than I ever did in the past years. How ignorant can I be, huh?

Apart from that, I have also been very grateful for what I have in life and I'll tell God that I am grateful. Even though I now have less money than I had before, I think now I have what I haven't had before (or what I haven't been truly grateful for) and that is my family.

Being Hungry

Apart from growing up, there is one thing that you should not stop doing - be HUNGRY. Not hungry for food, but hungry for INFORMATION.

Everyone of us started as babies who didn't know anything. As we grow older, we picked up some words and we know when we are hungry (for food). When we go to school, we learn a lot of new things. We learn how to write, read and speak. But once we get out of study, when we finished college (or University), we went to work and then we stop learning. We learn only the things that we need to know about the job that we are doing.

We need to learn about other things as well. Most importantly, we must learn how to develop ourselves. So how do we do this? There are three things we can do:

1. Read a lot. Regardless of the material, read! But, make sure we read only positive stuffs.

2. Go for trainings. Some people refused to go for trainings because they think they already know so much. There is actually no limit to the knowledge in this world. Nobody could possibly 'know everything'.

3. Mix with the right kind of people. If you want to know more about cars, mix with those involved in the automotive industry. If you want to know more about film-making, mix with those involved in the film industry. If you want to know more about how to become a better father / husband, mix with those who are spiritually and mentally motivated and those who have already succeeded as a father / husband.

When we know a lot of things, we are able make better decisions for ourselves and our family, in times of need. We may also avoid making poor decisions that would cost us money, time and effort. We may also be able to help other people by giving them our point-of-view on certain matters. We may also be able to provide services to other people.

In other words, having more information would open wide the doors for us.

Have Faith #Part02

When you embark on a project or when you are fighting for a cause or when you are simply trying to go on your own path, you will sometimes face some challenges. These challenges may also come in the form of your next of kin, your own family members or those very close to you.

Have faith. Always. Even when nobody believes in you. Don't let any doubts pull you back.

It's All A Mind's Work

I have experimented with FB for quite a while. I found that postings of anger, frustrations, sadness, etc that portray negativity would usually gain higher response than postings of happiness, gratefulness, positives, etc. Save for Birthday wishes or Anniversary wishes. Then again, this is how I look at things. You may have looked at them from a different perspective.
You see, this is one of the most important lessons in life. There are no two persons who will look at things EXACTLY the way we look at them. And this is NORMAL. It is normal...from the things that I've learned. But I don't think most people understand this.

Out of all the lessons learned for the past two months, this is the most important one : that it is ALL IN THE MIND. I mean, really. What else is there? How I look at things is exactly what I think of it at that point of time. How you look at things is exactly what you think of it at that point of time. Else why are brain dead people considered as being dead or a 'vegetable'? The mind thinks and these thoughts are manifested in many many many many many many many many ways depending on so many variables - such as upbringing, environment, 'knowledge', 'expertise'. And I think that is also how different I am not only from the person sitting next to me, but also from others in the neighbourhood, in other States, in other countries. That is also how different you are, from me.

I have known for sometime now that I can actually be anywhere I want to be, in my mind. Because I read books a lot, I can go anywhere in the world. In my mind. And I said that previously because I have no means of going abroad like other fortunate people could. Never did I realise that what I thought was true. I could be anywhere I want to be or anyone I want to be, in my mind. And that if I practise the mind power techniques I could, sooner or later, actually be in that place! I have actually experienced that, not knowing that it was the mind at work.

I've learned that the mind is the most powerful instrument that I could ever have. And it is mine. No one can claim that from me. No one can take it away from me. No one can force me into giving it away. They can torture me, yes, they can. But they can't force it out of me. Do you think anyone can take your mind away from you? So that makes me reflect back to all those years of suffering, heartbreaks, frustrations, sadness, etc. and how I have managed to come back to life. It's all in my mind. If I didn't think of them as suffering, heartbreaks, frustrations and sadness, I wouldn't have to endure them at all. I thought that is life. But is it?

That's where I'm heading towards now. To make my life a better life to live just from learning how to master my mind. It's not easy...but it will be easy, once I master it.

Self Worth

I've never thought about my self worth before. I've been working for other people since I was 21 years old, after being unemployed for three months upon my graduation.

I started out as an Officer, because the company wanted to "test me out". My salary then was only RM800. I didn't mind, so long as I was given the opportunity to work. My first task was to do filing. Lots and lots and lots of Bills of Lading. The staff was too busy with their daily chores that they didn't have the time to file all the copies. I did that, for almost a month.

Then the Business Development Manager, who recruited me, wanted me to work on some Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) for the Documentation Department. I worked on that for a few months, compiled everything and showed it to him. He was quite impressed (I guess, because not long after I was promoted to Executive even though my probation period wasn't over yet). Then I got a raise. I think it was about RM1200. From then on, I developed myself horizontally. Meaning, I worked as an Executive but in different fields. During my tenure with the first company, they gave me a lot of opportunity to learn other things apart from my core function as a Documentation Executive. I was tasked to handle cargo claims and also reporting.

After about 11 years, when I was in a different company, I was promoted to a Managerial level. I remained as a Manager for almost 14 years. Again, in different functions. Still, I couldn't value my self worth. Because I was working for other people.

In December 2010 I went to this seminar called the Millionaire Mind Intensive (MMI), which is one of T. Harv Eker's signature programs. I became enthralled by the seminar so I signed up for their 'Quantum Leap' program. That entitled me to five other training programs. I'm telling you that the way they conducted all their trainings are so much different from the 'conventional' trainings aka 'classroom' trainings. After 4 years being in and out of their programs, I finally realised that my self worth is much much higher than I could ever imagined. But of course, all the experiences and trainings that I was put through in all those years working for others did add to the value.

This is my take about self worth:
When we work for other people, we are working under the 'direction' of others i.e. our immediate Superior, the Management and the Company as a whole. So we don't have the privilege to set our own dreams. Even the goals that we have to achieve, the KPIs that we set on monthly or yearly basis, are the goals set by the Company. Is it true or true?

At the same time, we are also confined to the 'mercy' of the Company. How much increment we will get, what kind of promotion, how much is the bonus, how far up can we go, et cetra, et cetra. We don't really have the opportunity to explore our own journey. Everything was already set for us. So even when we think that we have done our best or that we have 'sacrifice' our time and effort for the company, we might not get the promotion that we've been dreaming of just because the Company decided we are not fit to be upgraded. Even when we have worked the entire year without taking any medical leave or annual leave, we still didn't get that maximum bonus because the Company "said so". Or maybe because the Superior didn't like us or couldn't stand our guts. I mean, these things do happen. Can you relate to what I'm saying here?

So our self worth is determined by the amount of salary that we get every month. With the stress, the lesser time we have to spend with our loved ones and the small percentage that we actually got from the pay to spend on luxury items for ourselves, decreases our self worth even more. Sometimes, when we get frustrated with the way the Company treated us, we tend to rebel or look for a job in other Companies just to find that they are all the same. How many of you have felt and done this before? Well, I did, too.

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If you ask me what did I get out of the training programs that I've been to, my answer is "I've finally found my self worth". I can't tell you the benefits that I've reaped in terms of Ringgit and Sen (because I did not take massive actions after each trainings and I've just started doing that since October last year), but I can tell you that I have managed to find myself and realise that I can do much more than what I have done before. I can't quantify that. Its priceless. Totally priceless. I love and appreciate myself more compared to the last 25 years. I began to pursue those dreams that I've dreamt before but too scared to make the move. I finally worked on my Life Plan. Seriously worked on it and followed through with it every single day. I only have 5 years to make my Vision a reality. But as people are saying "It's never too late".

I now know that I have what it takes to achieve my dreams. I will do whatever it takes to fulfill my dreams. Nobody can say that it is right or it is wrong, because these are my dreams.




My Life Plan - target for accomplishment in 5 years

My Apologies

I told you that I'm going to write about the camp that I went to, in September last year, right? Well, I've actually written about back in November 2014. You can read it at this link:

http://iamzade.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-leader-in-me.html

Celebrate!!

I went to a training camp in September of 2014. It was a 5-days' camp. I'll tell you all about it in my next post, tomorrow.

All in all, I realised that the one thing missing from most of our lives is to celebrate every little achievement. We'd usually celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, engagements and such. But we failed to celebrate the small little achievements on daily basis.

I'm now teaching my kids to celebrate their achievements, every day. How do we celebrate? Well, we will get into a circle, put our hand on each other's shoulder and jump up and down while shouting "Yay!!". There is a reason why we do that. I'll tell you in the post about that camp, tomorrow.

For the past three days, I'm celebrating the achievements of my headscarf sales. Only one, per day. But that is a big thing for me. So I celebrated all the three wins, tonight. I even wrote them down in my journal.

Why don't you start to celebrate your wins?

Let It Go

Hi there! It's been a while since I updated this Blog. I've been quite busy offlate. Just managed to settle down this week.

As I'm writing this, I'm waiting for my kids to come home from school. We have moved back to JB, a town in the State of Johor which is located in the south of West Malaysia, since December 2014. The kids are in a new school now.

Since I came back here, my objective is to let go of the past. The past few years have been sad years for me, with the passing of my parents. I have actually been living with sadness for the past 20 years or so. Due to the heartbreaks and frustrations. And I think I have wasted much of my energy reliving the past, carrying the baggage for over 20 years. So now is a good time to let go.

So when I came back, after a few weeks I settled down and managed to arrange for the kids' transfer. Then I started to work on clearing a particular room in this house. I ended up spending almost three weeks rummaging, sorting and rearranging the stuffs I had. My oh my...some of them dated back to 1996! That's how long ago a baggage I've been carrying. I threw a lot of stuffs away. Even though some of them were books compiled by my Dad. Not that I don't treasure his gifts, but I intend to move on. So I threw away a lot of those. Finally, this room is ready for me to use as our study and also a little library. I definitely have more books now. And my objective is to complete reading all of them, at least one book a month.

Til then.