Time

People come and go in our lives. Some will come back and some don't. Some will leave a big void in our hearts, longing for their return. Wanting so much to see them again, to hug and to kiss or just to talk to them. But that's not possible. So we have to deal with it.

We have to manage the fact. Even if they come back, things may not be the same anymore.

They are not ours to keep. No matter how painful and heartbreaking it is, we still have to deal with it. Sooner or later, may time heals the pain and fills the void.

Me for one, have been praying for God to make this pain go away yet I'm still feeling it. I'm still longing for the one who is lost. Though I know that I'm just another leaf in the clover or another fraction of a memory. How sad...How sad indeed.

And to pretend that all is okay makes it more difficult and painful.

Frustration

I just came back from a 5 days' travel outstation. Found out that my kids have not done their exercises and didn't focus on their studies. My son, on the other hand, went for a competition and I had to miss it. I have tried, in all might, to attend every programs and to be there where their school matters. My husband is working on shift, so he couldn't be there as well.

I couldn't help but feel frustrated with myself. I am supposed to be there for my son, to support him morally and I know he would have loved it. I feel frustrated with my daughter because she couldn't sustain herself when I am not around. And she is having an important exam by end of the year. Not that I impose strongly on her that she must obtain straight As in the exam, I just don't want her to be left out.

I'm not putting the blame on myself either, because I know we can't afford to have only one breadwinner in the household. I'm just thinking if there is another way out...

So I need to justify what are the most important things in my life right now. Money and position are not part of it. That's for sure.

Confused

More often than not, I will get confused between what I want and what I am supposed to be doing. For example, I want to do something for myself like travel the world. But at the same time I need to be here to take care of my kids and my family. Most importantly, I need to work so that I will get the income for our sustenance.

After reading other successful people's Blogs, FB postings and Instagrams, I realised that in order to be happy and being satisfied with my life, I have to go after my dreams. Meaning that I need to forgo whatever that I am doing now and go after my dreams. And I need to do that now, or never.

So at times, I get confused. Or probably that's my mindfrick working their tricks on my mind. I don't know. Probably they are.

Currently, I'm trying to think how best can I get out of this dilemma. Of course, one way or the other, there will be things that I have to let go. I will gain some and lose some. And I have to be prepared.

I've been through the same back in 2010 and the results were not as expected. It was terrible. The decision I made then have turned my life and my family, upside down. I don't want the same to be repeated. So I may have to take more time in thinking about it and taking the necessary steps to ensure everything will be taken care of, when I finally made my decision.

I have faith in God who Knows what is best for me and I have faith that He will answer my calling and provide the proper guidance to my worries.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes, I want to do so many things at the same time that I got overwhelmed. I have only a few hours in the evening, after work, to get things done at personal front. On weekdays I have between 7pm to 11pm and most of the time 7pm to 9pm would be filled with kids...kids...kids... That's the time when we would have dinner and to cram a bit of time for their studies.

From 9pm to 11pm is my me-time. That's when I got overwhelmed with the amount of knowledge I want to acquire, books to read, assignments to complete and sources to search. At times it makes me confused and I ended up doing nothing! Haha. Such an excuse, eh?

I need to be more attentive towards keeping to my time management or else I will lose a lot of opportunity in making the most out of the time I have.

Is It Worth It?

Early in the year I have set some targets to achieve. The first that I have achieved is getting certified as a NLP Practitioner. In addition, I've also been certified as a Time Line Theraphy(TM) practitioner. It was indeed a great experience and the best thing is, I did it on my own accord. Of course, I wouldn't have done it without the support of my husband and my kids. I practically had to leave them at home for three weekends in a row!

In the weeks that follow, I had to travel up and down and couldn't be home most of the time. Even when I'm home, I have to focus on my studies. As such that I am neglecting my kids and their studies. I know that they need someone to look over when they are doing their homework or exercise. Otherwise, they will play truant or not doing any exercise at all. And Kakak, my daughter, is sitting for her UPSR (Year 6 exams).

Most of the time I feel guilty for not being there for them. And that got me to thinking...is it all worth it?

I mean yeah...the money is good and it provides for all our needs. In trade of my time spent with them and my attention. Which is more important to me? It's my family, of course. But I can't be everywhere at the same time and do everything at the same time. And my heart is always at home, with them.

So I have to keep on searching and keep on looking out for opportunities where I can generate income while not affecting my time with and attention for my family.  After all, I am still the wife and mother.