The Tough Gets Going

I find it very difficult, most of the time, to answer when people ask me "What are you doing now?". Not that I feel embarassed for leaving corporate life to become a housewife, but to sense that those who are asking are expecting something 'better' or 'greater'. Because, whenever I said "Nothing. Just staying at home, taking care of the kids" they'd gawked and responded "Oh! Really?". And I got the feel that they felt like I was kidding them. Hmmm...

No, it's not a crime for leaving a high-paying job to become a housewife, isn't it? But why can't people accept it with an open heart? I wonder...

Then comes the next question : "How do you manage?". And I wonder...yet again...if all those people who resigned from work are being asked those sets of questions. To those who left and got another job, I guess would find it easy to answer. But what about those who left to do their own thing...their own business...their own projects...? Worst, if the business or project is still in infant stage...where you'd see nothing coming out of it. Yet.

But I'd like to share with all of you out there on this particular fact:

This is a test, for me. I'm testing myself... because I want to know how far I can go. Since I've been so comfortable all those years with salaries paid into my account every month, I found that my fighting spirit has died down. So I want to challenge myself. And no, I can't tell you what I'm up to, for now. And yes, it's not a good time. I'm under pressure...a lot of pressure and so does my husband (though he doesn't show it as much). I borrowed some money from people, not knowing when I could ever pay them back. But definitely I will. That's a promise. Banks have started calling. Expenses have started to rise. Regardless...this is something I have to do, for myself. If I don't do this now, I'll never know my true potential. I'll never know the real me.

I know...some of you would say "What a stupid thing to do". I acknowledge that. For those rationally thinking people (my mom, included) would most probably say that. But all my life, I taught myself to always think differently. And I've always wanted to do things differently. So this is what I'm doing. Whether I'm right or wrong...I've yet to find out. So please don't judge me now. I know that I've not done 100% yet... I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I'm trying to prove something, to MYSELF. To my own self. Please understand this.

And please know this too:

I believe in myself. I put high expectation on myself and I am determined to do what I want to do. I trust that I have what it takes to survive this self-inclined ordeal and resurface. I know that I can pull this through, no matter what. I've put a certain timeframe for myself to do this. If I fail...I would want to know that I've done my best. But before I fail...I won't give up. My life's principle is always to try three times before giving up. Who knows...I might try more this time. So please...bear with me. Time...is all I need to be on my side. And courage, too.

This is the time when I can evaluate my own strength, weaknesses, opportunities and my threats. This is also the time when I can explore the inner me. And for the time being...I highly appreciate and respect my husband for his support and understanding. I love you, Ayang.