Reflection #01

There are times when I feel like I have not done enough in my life. Even though I now have my own family with two wonderful kids, I have my own house that I call "home", I have a steady income and almost anything that I could ever think of.

Why is that so?

Most people would say that I am being ungrateful. I don't think so. I am always grateful for what God has bestowed upon me all these years. Since I was young, I have never lived a life of misery. My family was never "dirt poor". We would always have something to eat, a house to live in, clothes to wear (even if they were hand-me-downs from my cousins) and we were always able to go to school. Though it wasn't luxurious, we had what we need.

I have been thinking about what I'm feeling for the past few days. Looking back at my life, I realised that this feeling is not about 'what' is missing but it is about 'how'.

I was the second child in the family. More often than not, second child is labelled as 'The Rebels'. Probably because we do rebel a lot. But why we do that? It wasn't because we envy the first child. It wasn't because we wanted the attention. But it was because we were not given the attention that we were supposed to get. More so when the third or fourth or fifth child came along. The second would always remain as a second.

In my case, sadly enough, I was always compared to, against my elder brother by my mother. Not only in terms of education but also in terms of behaviors. Yes, I was the active one. Yes, I was the naughty one. Yes, sometimes words that came out of my mouth were unwarranted words, unworthy of being spoken by a child. Should I be punished and labelled as "spoiled" just because of that? Should I be denied of the attention and love that I was supposed to receive just because of who I was?

I've been trying in vain to let go of these ill feelings. At times, I am proud of myself for all the achievements that I have gained in my adult years. I am proud that I managed to score the same grades as my brother did, twice! Perhaps that's why sometimes I feel like I'm letting myself down. I put high expectations on myself! So, when I couldn't meet those expectations, of course I would feel bad and incapable.

No, this is not easy but I have to try and get it over with.

To all you parents out there, my plea to you is this:
Please DO NOT differentiate the treatment between your children. Each of them, has their own uniqueness. Just monitor and manage. If there is a need, change it individually so that they can become a better person. But down downgrade them against their own siblings.