Is It Worth It?

Early in the year I have set some targets to achieve. The first that I have achieved is getting certified as a NLP Practitioner. In addition, I've also been certified as a Time Line Theraphy(TM) practitioner. It was indeed a great experience and the best thing is, I did it on my own accord. Of course, I wouldn't have done it without the support of my husband and my kids. I practically had to leave them at home for three weekends in a row!

In the weeks that follow, I had to travel up and down and couldn't be home most of the time. Even when I'm home, I have to focus on my studies. As such that I am neglecting my kids and their studies. I know that they need someone to look over when they are doing their homework or exercise. Otherwise, they will play truant or not doing any exercise at all. And Kakak, my daughter, is sitting for her UPSR (Year 6 exams).

Most of the time I feel guilty for not being there for them. And that got me to thinking...is it all worth it?

I mean yeah...the money is good and it provides for all our needs. In trade of my time spent with them and my attention. Which is more important to me? It's my family, of course. But I can't be everywhere at the same time and do everything at the same time. And my heart is always at home, with them.

So I have to keep on searching and keep on looking out for opportunities where I can generate income while not affecting my time with and attention for my family.  After all, I am still the wife and mother.

Seven Years In Summary

This is a continuation to the post that I wrote back in 2015 (click to read):-


2017 is going to an end in about two and a half month's time. Reflecting on my life the past 7 years, this is to summarise it:
2010 - Anger & Frustration
2011 - Repentance
2012 & 2013 - Sadness
2014 - Trying Hard To Forget
2015 - Peace & Coming Home
2016 - Hope
2017 - Development

This year, I've developed myself to overcome the grieve following my brother's passing. At the same time I've developed myself in a few new areas, especially at work.

My wish for 2018 - it's going to be a year of New Beginning. Insya Allah.

A Pinch On The Arm

I'd consider this as a low point in my life. Not as low as I used to be...but the "sinking" feeling is there. No, I don't like this situation. Not at all.

It makes me feel HELPLESS.

I can't breathe properly. That makes it difficult to walk. I'd cough every time I take a breath. After every cough, I'd feel breathless. Its the spasm, as the Doctor said. It makes the bronchial in my lungs constricted, thus restricting air flow. To add to this 'situation' my daughter is having chicken pox! So she's confined at home. Luckily it's school holiday for the week.

It keeps me thinking....did I 'invite' all these into my life? Probably I did. Subconsciously. Who knows?

Since I had that small talk with Lina a few weeks back, I started to think back to what I had been planning a few years back. I've made a very good Life Plan, the most comprehensive plan I've ever done in my whole life! It covers almost every aspect, concisely.

How much time have I wasted? How far have I gone astray from my plans? How could I have forgotten? How could I become easily distracted?

I dawned on me that my focus has shifted since I started working. I am now living the life of others, than my own. Of course, I need the money to settle all my debts. But I'm not supposed to forget what I have planned. I'm supposed to follow through with the plans on weekly and monthly basis. I've neglected the most important person in my life ever since then. ME!

This illness could be a reminder from the AlMighty. Like a pinch on the arm. So that I'd turn around and keep stock of what I have done and what I have missed. Probably He was trying to tell me that I should retrace my steps. Go back to what I have planned before.

Ironically, I bought a book from Amazon which I received last week. It's a book written by a friend I met at Success Resources programs. The Way of Achievers, by Maitha J. Al Shamsi. In the first few pages, she wrote "I have seen people get sick due to work pressure which creates all kind of health issues and disease". That kind of alerted me. In the Chapter that follows, she gave a step-by-step process on creating vision. This book was like taking me back in time.

Sure. I believe the Universe is trying to tell me something. This low point that I am experiencing was indeed my own fault. I didn't follow through with my plans. So what should I do now?

The wisest move is to turn back and retrace.

What Matters Most

I was hospitalised in August, after having a bad cough for a few days. Luckily it wasn't tuberculosis or anything serious. It was first diagnosed as bronchitis. After a few round of tests, the Specialist finally diagnosed me as having 'Cough-Variant' Asthma. She said was a rare kind of asthma. Hardly found in any of her patients. So she considered my condition as unusual, in a special kind of way.

I was warded for four days and given the next week off. At the time of discharge I knew I was still unwell. Even after the week's off and when I got back to work, I was still coughing and wheezing. I had a hard time sleeping at night. Started to snore. I've never snored!

When I had to see the Doctor again for follow-up check, she found that my coughing had worsened and she admitted me again. Wow! Hospitalised again! She was actually at lost with what kind of treatment should be given to me. For she had given me the best and the strongest of medicines. For the second time, I was warded for five days. When I was discharged, I felt a little bit better.

This morning, I went to the Doctor. For follow-up check again. But also because I had an asthma attack on Friday, three days ago. The Doctor told me that my condition is chronic. She told me that she had given me the best treatment and I took the medications (particularly the inhaler) according to her prescriptions. The only thing that could have made my condition worsened was the triggering factor. After discussing about it, we came to a conclusion that my asthma can be triggered by cold environment. Air-conditioned room / car, rain, fan. Rainy season is definitely not my good friend. When it rains in the night, I'll catch this big A in the morning. Most of the time.

I could also get it easily when I'm having flu. The mucus will block my nostrils and my air passageway, making it difficult to breathe. That'll create spasms in the lungs, thus creating 'ronchi' as the Doctor told me.

This coughing, I've actually had it for a long long time. I knew that I'm an asthmatic. My panel doctors know that I'm asthmatic. But I didn't know that there is such a specific name for it. And according to the Specialist, this kind of asthma cannot be easily identified. Not many Doctors would have given the correct diagnose. So I consider myself lucky for having met with this Specialist.

When you're having health problems that leaves you choking for breath every time it occurs, you'll start thinking if this is the last breath. It'll make you feel even worse when you have kids and work to worry about. At this point of time, I'd say that health is more valuable than any amount of money and materials that we have in this world.

HEALTH is all that matters.

Life and Death

Seems like I have not been keeping my own part of the deal to keep this Blog going. I should have used it to pen down my thoughts and my feelings. But I have been turning to Facebook in doing all that nowadays though this Blog has always been on my mind. 

I wrote in 2015 that 2016 was going to be a year of HOPE. In way, it has. 

This photo was captured in 2015

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, I managed to secure a job in the middle of the year. Based in Johor where my family resides. I thought all was well until I had to travel more often than I thought I would. Not only because of my work but also because I had to attend to my elder brother.

Sadly, he was diagnosed with cancer sometime in September. Stage 4! Not any kind of cancer, it was pancreatic cancer. One of the rarest kind. It was indeed a devastating news for all of us. He was in shock. So was I and my other siblings. How could we afford another loss after all those years trying to get over the sorrow of losing both my parents?  

Since my brother was a bachelor, I knew I had to be there for him to support and help him in anyway I could. Hence I travelled from JB to KL almost every other weekend to attend to him. That's over 600km to and fro. He started his chemotherapy session in October. Prior to that, we tried to look for other alternative treatment but they were too expensive. So my brother decided to go for chemo first. 

At first, he was put on the normal chemo regime for 6 cycles. Every cycle would require him to undergo treatment once a week for three weeks. Then he'd go on 'break' for two weeks before he would go for the second cycle. However, he did only the first cycle before the Doctor at the ward asked him to go home and spend time with family. Just because the treatment has no effect on my brother! How insensitive. But the Head of Oncology asked him to be put on another regime. This time, my brother had to take the chemo pouch home for 48 hours every alternate week. There was quite an improvement. 

Unfortunately, my brother became weaker and weaker by the weeks. He couldn't eat very much. What he did was drink milk made for diabetics. Every now and then he'd ask me to buy some food but when I put them in front of him he just won't touch it. People said that's what chemo did for patients. It kills their appetite. 

My brother passed away on 20th March 2017. Most people thought that he fought the Big C in a matter of 6 months, because that was when he got to know about it. But I knew and the Head of Oncology said it himself, that he's been having this dreadful thing for almost 2 years before he was diagnosed. 

Laid to rest.

I was indeed a very sad moment for me and my two younger brothers. We've lost yet another family member. But who are we to deny his fate? 

My brother was laid to rest in line with my parents' grave. Our family and his friends were there to bid him farewell. They were there when he breathed his last breath at the hospital. Others gave tribute to him through his Facebook timeline and also through their own Blogs. It was so heart wrenching. I didn't know that my brother had contributed so much to the creative industry. 

So, 2016 was indeed a Hopeful year because we were hopeful that my brother would overcome the Big C. Finally he succumbed to it in 2017. 

Us. 1971.

In trying to make this year an awesome year, I have to face this challenge of getting over my brother's passing. It's not as easy as it seems. Me and my brother was only 11 months apart. He was my best friend and my foe since we were kids. Most people don't understand how it feels. Only those who have lost their loved ones one after the other would feel the pain. So yes, I am still in grieve although it has been more than a month. Given time, I will get over this sinking feeling. Insya Allah. 

As a Muslim, I have to move on with life. Yet I can't forget that soon, my time will also come to join my parents and my brother wherever they are. I have to live my life as it is while at the same time make the effort to increase my investment for the hereafter. For that's where my final destination will be.  

AMRI ROHAYAT BIN AHMAD RANI (2/10/1968 - 20/3/2017)

May Allah bless his soul and place him among the righteous. May Allah ease this sorrow and grieve that I am feeling and place it with His never ending love, forgiveness and mercy. 

Amiinnn.


On the News

2016

Hello!
It seems like I have neglected this Blog since we arrived at 2016. It wasn't intentional. I had some issues that I need to settle.

So...how has my 4 months been? Let's see:

1. My kids have grown up taller. My daughter has almost reached my height! And she is so proud of herself. Heh. She's going to be 10 this May and my son will be 9 in June.

2. My school friend, who had the rectum cancer, passed away on New Year's eve. I couldn't go and visit his family then. So we communicated through Facebook.

3. My cousin held a double wedding for her sons in March. It was a grand wedding! The day after the wedding, we went for a retreat at this eco-resort called 'Tanah Aina Farrah Soraya'. It was a great feeling.

4. Another school friend, whom I knew very well, passed away on April 1. It was a sudden death. Again, I wasn't able to go and visit. She had no children. So I pity her husband very much. The last time I met her was on 25th December 2015, when she was waiting on her husband who was hospitalised.

5. I didn't look for a job. But I guess I need to.

That's all in a nutshell. I'll write some more in a few days' time.

Being Hungry

Apart from growing up, there is one thing that you should not stop doing - be HUNGRY. Not hungry for food, but hungry for INFORMATION.

Everyone of us started as babies who didn't know anything. As we grow older, we picked up some words and we know when we are hungry (for food). When we go to school, we learn a lot of new things. We learn how to write, read and speak. But once we get out of study, when we finished college (or University), we went to work and then we stop learning. We learn only the things that we need to know about the job that we are doing.

We need to learn about other things as well. Most importantly, we must learn how to develop ourselves. So how do we do this? There are three things we can do:

1. Read a lot. Regardless of the material, read! But, make sure we read only positive stuffs.

2. Go for trainings. Some people refused to go for trainings because they think they already know so much. There is actually no limit to the knowledge in this world. Nobody could possibly 'know everything'.

3. Mix with the right kind of people. If you want to know more about cars, mix with those involved in the automotive industry. If you want to know more about film-making, mix with those involved in the film industry. If you want to know more about how to become a better father / husband, mix with those who are spiritually and mentally motivated and those who have already succeeded as a father / husband.

When we know a lot of things, we are able make better decisions for ourselves and our family, in times of need. We may also avoid making poor decisions that would cost us money, time and effort. We may also be able to help other people by giving them our point-of-view on certain matters. We may also be able to provide services to other people.

In other words, having more information would open wide the doors for us.

It's All A Mind's Work

I have experimented with FB for quite a while. I found that postings of anger, frustrations, sadness, etc that portray negativity would usually gain higher response than postings of happiness, gratefulness, positives, etc. Save for Birthday wishes or Anniversary wishes. Then again, this is how I look at things. You may have looked at them from a different perspective.
You see, this is one of the most important lessons in life. There are no two persons who will look at things EXACTLY the way we look at them. And this is NORMAL. It is normal...from the things that I've learned. But I don't think most people understand this.

Out of all the lessons learned for the past two months, this is the most important one : that it is ALL IN THE MIND. I mean, really. What else is there? How I look at things is exactly what I think of it at that point of time. How you look at things is exactly what you think of it at that point of time. Else why are brain dead people considered as being dead or a 'vegetable'? The mind thinks and these thoughts are manifested in many many many many many many many many ways depending on so many variables - such as upbringing, environment, 'knowledge', 'expertise'. And I think that is also how different I am not only from the person sitting next to me, but also from others in the neighbourhood, in other States, in other countries. That is also how different you are, from me.

I have known for sometime now that I can actually be anywhere I want to be, in my mind. Because I read books a lot, I can go anywhere in the world. In my mind. And I said that previously because I have no means of going abroad like other fortunate people could. Never did I realise that what I thought was true. I could be anywhere I want to be or anyone I want to be, in my mind. And that if I practise the mind power techniques I could, sooner or later, actually be in that place! I have actually experienced that, not knowing that it was the mind at work.

I've learned that the mind is the most powerful instrument that I could ever have. And it is mine. No one can claim that from me. No one can take it away from me. No one can force me into giving it away. They can torture me, yes, they can. But they can't force it out of me. Do you think anyone can take your mind away from you? So that makes me reflect back to all those years of suffering, heartbreaks, frustrations, sadness, etc. and how I have managed to come back to life. It's all in my mind. If I didn't think of them as suffering, heartbreaks, frustrations and sadness, I wouldn't have to endure them at all. I thought that is life. But is it?

That's where I'm heading towards now. To make my life a better life to live just from learning how to master my mind. It's not easy...but it will be easy, once I master it.

Self Worth

I've never thought about my self worth before. I've been working for other people since I was 21 years old, after being unemployed for three months upon my graduation.

I started out as an Officer, because the company wanted to "test me out". My salary then was only RM800. I didn't mind, so long as I was given the opportunity to work. My first task was to do filing. Lots and lots and lots of Bills of Lading. The staff was too busy with their daily chores that they didn't have the time to file all the copies. I did that, for almost a month.

Then the Business Development Manager, who recruited me, wanted me to work on some Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) for the Documentation Department. I worked on that for a few months, compiled everything and showed it to him. He was quite impressed (I guess, because not long after I was promoted to Executive even though my probation period wasn't over yet). Then I got a raise. I think it was about RM1200. From then on, I developed myself horizontally. Meaning, I worked as an Executive but in different fields. During my tenure with the first company, they gave me a lot of opportunity to learn other things apart from my core function as a Documentation Executive. I was tasked to handle cargo claims and also reporting.

After about 11 years, when I was in a different company, I was promoted to a Managerial level. I remained as a Manager for almost 14 years. Again, in different functions. Still, I couldn't value my self worth. Because I was working for other people.

In December 2010 I went to this seminar called the Millionaire Mind Intensive (MMI), which is one of T. Harv Eker's signature programs. I became enthralled by the seminar so I signed up for their 'Quantum Leap' program. That entitled me to five other training programs. I'm telling you that the way they conducted all their trainings are so much different from the 'conventional' trainings aka 'classroom' trainings. After 4 years being in and out of their programs, I finally realised that my self worth is much much higher than I could ever imagined. But of course, all the experiences and trainings that I was put through in all those years working for others did add to the value.

This is my take about self worth:
When we work for other people, we are working under the 'direction' of others i.e. our immediate Superior, the Management and the Company as a whole. So we don't have the privilege to set our own dreams. Even the goals that we have to achieve, the KPIs that we set on monthly or yearly basis, are the goals set by the Company. Is it true or true?

At the same time, we are also confined to the 'mercy' of the Company. How much increment we will get, what kind of promotion, how much is the bonus, how far up can we go, et cetra, et cetra. We don't really have the opportunity to explore our own journey. Everything was already set for us. So even when we think that we have done our best or that we have 'sacrifice' our time and effort for the company, we might not get the promotion that we've been dreaming of just because the Company decided we are not fit to be upgraded. Even when we have worked the entire year without taking any medical leave or annual leave, we still didn't get that maximum bonus because the Company "said so". Or maybe because the Superior didn't like us or couldn't stand our guts. I mean, these things do happen. Can you relate to what I'm saying here?

So our self worth is determined by the amount of salary that we get every month. With the stress, the lesser time we have to spend with our loved ones and the small percentage that we actually got from the pay to spend on luxury items for ourselves, decreases our self worth even more. Sometimes, when we get frustrated with the way the Company treated us, we tend to rebel or look for a job in other Companies just to find that they are all the same. How many of you have felt and done this before? Well, I did, too.

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If you ask me what did I get out of the training programs that I've been to, my answer is "I've finally found my self worth". I can't tell you the benefits that I've reaped in terms of Ringgit and Sen (because I did not take massive actions after each trainings and I've just started doing that since October last year), but I can tell you that I have managed to find myself and realise that I can do much more than what I have done before. I can't quantify that. Its priceless. Totally priceless. I love and appreciate myself more compared to the last 25 years. I began to pursue those dreams that I've dreamt before but too scared to make the move. I finally worked on my Life Plan. Seriously worked on it and followed through with it every single day. I only have 5 years to make my Vision a reality. But as people are saying "It's never too late".

I now know that I have what it takes to achieve my dreams. I will do whatever it takes to fulfill my dreams. Nobody can say that it is right or it is wrong, because these are my dreams.




My Life Plan - target for accomplishment in 5 years

Celebrate!!

I went to a training camp in September of 2014. It was a 5-days' camp. I'll tell you all about it in my next post, tomorrow.

All in all, I realised that the one thing missing from most of our lives is to celebrate every little achievement. We'd usually celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, engagements and such. But we failed to celebrate the small little achievements on daily basis.

I'm now teaching my kids to celebrate their achievements, every day. How do we celebrate? Well, we will get into a circle, put our hand on each other's shoulder and jump up and down while shouting "Yay!!". There is a reason why we do that. I'll tell you in the post about that camp, tomorrow.

For the past three days, I'm celebrating the achievements of my headscarf sales. Only one, per day. But that is a big thing for me. So I celebrated all the three wins, tonight. I even wrote them down in my journal.

Why don't you start to celebrate your wins?

A Helping Hand

I took my kids for ice skating yesterday. That was the first time for me and them. I thought it was fairly easy, because I used to roller skate, but it wasn't! So I just hang on to the sides and never dared to move to the center. Finally, I stopped and quit. But while I was trying to move along the side, there were people who held out their hands to help me move forward. When I had to go over someone else, hands were offered to help me find my balance and keep moving. I never knew those people.

My daughter, like me, was very scared. She watched others fall down so she became afraid. And she too, hang on to the sides. Then there was a half-hour break when they clean the rink, we had to get out. After the break, my daughter picked up her courage to move to the center. She fell down many times until her clothes were drenched wet. But she had fun.

While I watched the rink from the outside, I saw that whenever someone fell down, there's always someone else to help them get up. Friends and strangers alike helped others when they were in need. Even those who were still new, extended their helping hands to others and sometimes, they fell down together. It was hilarious.

My daughter being assisted

But two great things I learned from that sight:
1. We should never be afraid to fall down. What's most important is, whenever we fall down, we have to get back up.
2. Whenever we fall down, there will always be a helping hand to help us get back up. So we should never be afraid.

So I'll take this learning for my next skating trip. That, I challenge myself. I will also teach my kids about this new learning.

Moving On

2012 and 2013 were not good years for me. Abah and Mak (my father and my mother) left me for good, respectively. In fact, half of my adolescent and adult life were not good for me because I was still harping on the past. Hanging on to those heartbreaks and frustrations. I was carrying the burden of those yesteryears. I became angry and revengeful.

Then I spent half of 2014 missing my Mak and Abah terribly. I still do (will always do). I won't even hear of people trying to take away their things. Their belongings. But I have decided to move on. I have decided to let go of the sadness. Let go of the anger, the revenge. I feel soooooo much better now. And I'm looking forward to a brand new life. I'm looking forward to 2015. This new year will be the year for me to rebuild my life.

I'm moving on. I'm moving on.

Sacrifice, what?

A few years ago, I experienced a very difficult time in my life. I didn’t have a job yet I had so much financial commitments, too heavy a burden for my husband to carry alone. Day by day tension gripped our lives and the situation became worse. I had to borrow lots of money from family and friends just to ensure that the companies didn’t file bankruptcy against me. I became hostile towards my husband because I thought that he was unable to fend for us. When actually it was all my fault. My own doing.

 

When things got better and I was able to manage my financials, all of a sudden I was declared a bankrupt by a hire purchase company because the borrower defaulted his payment. I was the sole guarantor. It was a very frustrating episode. Very frustrating. To think that I had done all I could to avoid being made a bankrupt then suddenly I became one and it was not even my fault! I couldn’t accept it at first. I was frustrated. Angry. Furious! Especially at my husband. I didn’t tell anyone about it because I didn’t want my parents to know. Bankruptcy was a taboo for them. So I kept on praying for Allah to show me the way. To get me (get us) out of the situation. I had two options i.e. to pay a lump sum and clear my name before the other creditors found out OR to pay in monthly instalment for a certain period of time and let the other creditors found out about my status.

 

At that time, our concern was the house. If the bank took it away, where would we live? My main concern was my goodwill. I have all throughout my working life been safeguarding my name against bankruptcy. In that situation, I fought with my husband a lot. It was all about getting the money. Then it hit me that it was all a test. His test. All the things in my life was His. Actually. Including my body and soul. And if my marriage broke up, the satan would be very happy. I shouldn’t have worried about losing the properties. Even the house. Those were not mine anyway. I should put my faith fully in Allah and that He would take care of us.

 

So I told my husband that if we could not find the means to pay in lump sum, we could just pay a minimum amount on monthly basis. I told him that I didn’t care about the house anymore. If it was fated for us to lose the house, so be it.  Even though I have worked so hard to earn that house. I was just willing to let go.

 

I submitted myself to God. I asked for His forgiveness. I asked for His guidance. I asked for His wisdom. Finally, He paved the way for us. He gave my husband a sum of money to pay a lump sum. The whole process was smooth. My name was cleared in no time. I was so grateful for that. So so so grateful! I was also grateful that He had avoided the other creditors from reporting us. So we had to pay only that sum of money owed to the hire purchase company. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

 



Photo credit of Amir Rozaini Ahmad Rani

Yesterday was the day when Muslims around the world celebrated the Eid Ul Adha to honor the willingness of prophet Ibrahim a.s. to sacrifice his own son, Ismail. Not only that, it was also in honor of Ismail who was willing to let himself be slaughtered by his own father, for sake of Allah. In celebrating the day, Muslims would slaughter cows, goats, lambs and such to symbolise the sacrifice made by Ibrahim and Ismail. I embraced this day in remembrance of the experience I’ve had. Though I wasn’t about to lose my life nor the life of my loved ones, it was painful nonetheless. The very thought of losing the house, tainting my good name and being a bankrupt was all too daunting. But once I decided to let them all go, to be accepting, be willing, the difficult situation became easier. The burden was lifted off my shoulders. And Allah helped me settled it.

 

From that day on, I’ve had a new perspective of Eid Ul Adha. It was not about the slaughtering, but it was about the spirit behind the sacrifice. That actually, when one is willing, there is no sacrifice at all.

 

-This article was published on Wordpress October 16, 2013.

 

Adapt

A simple word that carries a big meaning. One who knows how to adapt oneself to any situation that they were being pushed into, would  survive the challenge and acquire priceless experience. Some people don’t actually know how to adapt themselves to a given situation. They tend to find an easy way out. That is, to get out from the situation. By doing so, they failed to realise their own potentials. They failed to challenge themselves in different situation and learn from the process.

I’ve seen many a times when people failed to adapt themselves. And I’ve also seen many a times when people found it easy to adapt. I’ve since learned that adapting to a situation requires certain set of skills that can be learned. Else one will have to spend a longer time to adapt and also make a lot of mistakes along the way. Sometimes, costly mistakes. So why reinvent the wheel? Learn how to adapt to a situation and you will find it easier for you and also the others around you.

By asking you to learn the skills do not necessarily mean that you will skip the process of learning from your mistakes. Even when you have acquired the skills of adapting you might find yourself in different situations at any given time. So you will need to make adjustments and while making the adjustments, you might make some mistakes. Here and there. But not to worry…if you already have the skills, you’ll rectify your mistakes in a jiffy.

-This article was published on Wordpress August 20, 2013

Eid Ul Fitri 2013

Last year we spent the Eid ul Fitri in mediocrity because my dad just passed away. My mom didn’t actually have the heart to celebrate at all. But when my brother insisted, she prepared some food for us and also for family members who came to visit. I think at that time she was trying hard to put up a strong fight against her bereavement.

 

This year…it was much lesser than that. I spent the eve of Eid ul Fitri together with my two kids at the house. Just for sake of keeping the spirit alive. Because every year we would have people from the madrasah came to the house after Isya’ prayers to perform the Takbir. We had them last year, in spite of. I didn’t see why we shouldn’t do it this year too. So I made plans with our neighbours to prepare food for the night, just like we had done previously.

 

It was a lonely day. The feeling of void was there. Always. Tugging at my heart. And I was trying hard not to break down. I guess that was how Mak would’ve felt last year. After Maghrib, we sent the food to the neighbour’s house. It was nothing much. I prepared desserts – fruits and fruit punch plus some delicacies. When the crowd came at about 9.30 p.m. my neighbour’s husband brought them in. It felt so awkward, not having men in the house. I wished my husband was there.

I’ve prepared some money in the Raya packets to give away. I gave them to the neighbour’s husband so that he could help me distribute them to the jemaah. After the Takbir and a short du’a they asked me to say a few word. Gosh…it was embarrassing! I spoke to them on behalf of my late father and mother, thanked them for coming and told them that we’ve prepared food at the neighbour’s house. After the men had left to other houses in the neighbourhood, I sat down with the ladies to eat. It was very very very awkward. But we sat and talked, occasionally about my mom, while the kids played with fire crackers, til about 12am. Then we all went home to rest.

Again, I went back to an empty house. Very empty. Usually my mom would’ve been busy in the kitchen preparing ‘rendang’ a spicy coconut milk gravy with chicken or beef, to eat with ‘lemang’ – glutinous rice stuffed in bambu and ‘grilled’ over fire. The tugging feeling felt even more.
The next morning I couldn’t get the kids to get up early. Perhaps they slept very late that night. So I missed my Eid ul Fitri prayers that morning. I spent the morning attending to their clothes. I need to pack up for JB later that day. While doing that I was listening to the Takbir on TV. It was so heart wrenching and the flood gate was opened. I couldn’t stop crying. I missed my mom and dad. And I missed my husband who was in JB that time. The kids woke up around 9am. Then we got ready and I took them to visit my parents. I read the Yaasiin for both of them. When we got home, we went to visit the neighbours.

We were supposed to be happy on the morning of Eid ul Fitri. It was a symbol of glory, winning and celebration for the month spent fasting before. But I didn’t feel the glory. I didn’t feel the happiness. It was all done in spite. As people often said to me “life has to go on”. Of course it has to. Though it would never be the same anymore.



Abah's grave at the back, Mak's forefront

Mak and Abah (mom and dad) will always be loved and sorely missed. Not a thing in this world can replace them. Al-Fatihah (Al-Quran 1: 1 – 7).

- This article was posted on Wordpress August 10, 2013



Opposites Attract & The Jigsaw

In reference to a relationshiop, a magnet symbolises two things - 1. Couples going in different directions (one to the South, the other to the North); and 2. Couples attracted to each other (opposites). "Opposites Attract"...so they say. But do they really?

I married a guy who is generally different from me. Sometimes I think it's impossible for us to even talk to each other. We just can't understand what the other meant! At first it was difficult for me to comprehend. Always told myself that I've found the wrong man. Always told myself that I should have looked for a guy who could understand me better.

But as the years went by, I started to understand. Though we are different, we are actually complementing each other. I was always the forgetful and he would remind me. He would always mis-understand something and I would clarify it to him. I was always rushing into things...he would show me the yellow light to make me stop and think it over.

Nobody is perfect. So, what we are lacking is filled in by our partners and our team members. There's no harm in getting a different partner or totally the opposite from us. We only need to understand each other's strengths & weaknesses. Each one of us is like a piece of the jigsaw puzzle. Only when we are attached to each other, would we make a complete picture.

Sure, some people say that life would be more fun if we found those who are like us. But is it really going to be more fun? We'd be doing the same thing together, share the same interest, watch the same kind of movie and listen to the same genre of music. Maybe in years to come we'd be tired of all those things that we have been doing and then what?

Imagine that we have members who think & have the same interest as us, in our team. Whatever ideas we brought forth, would be agreed by them with no objections. Whatever strategies we thought of, are okay with them. What would eventually happen to the team? It'll lack enthusiasm, lack new ideas, lack new interest. The team members won't have to stretch their minds to think 'out of the box' already.

 

In short, life needs variety, don't you think?

A Shoulder To Lean On

When I was living in Subang Jaya, I used to take the Metro Bus from / to KL. From KL, the bus stop was in front of Kotaraya. I'd always have to rush over to board it along with the many other passengers; because that bus was always full to the stairs.

Most of the time, it seemed to be full because most of them didn't want to go further inside. So most of the time too, I had to squeeze myself in. Thanks to the then my petite figure. Haha. And as I was in, of course I'd have to stand. Sometimes there'll be a gentleman who would give his seat for me. But most of the time I'd have to wait for someone to get down.

There were times when I was fortunate enough to get a seat. There were also times when the passenger sitting next to me dozed off to sleep (who would not, if one would have to wake up early in the morning to go to work and come back when it was already dark). When they were deep in sleep, they'd tend to slump over on to my shoulder. I wouldn't mind if it was a lady...but if it was a guy...duhhh!! They're heavy!

Come to think of it, in life, sometimes we do need a shoulder to lean on. Not necessarily a well-known shoulder as in our best friend or confidante, but sometimes we could pass for a stranger. And not necessarily we hope for them to solve our problems....just to ease the burden off our own shoulders. But of course, not many people like this idea.

Don't get the wrong idea, though. I'm not suggesting that you pour your heart out to every stranger you met. It's just that sometimes we don't want to bog our friends down with our petty problems or self-insufficiencies...and sometimes we want to protect our pride too, eh? And who knows....strangers could become friends. It's not uncommon.

Never Say "Never"

When hardships befallen, most of the time you'd here people say "I swear I'll never do that again" or "I will never forgive you" or "I'll never speak to you again". You'd also sometimes hear people say "I'll never leave you".

And then, some time later in life...those 'never' turns out otherwise. When you heard them say "I'll never leave you"...sooner or later they will. When you heard them say "I'll never do that again"...sooner or later they will. On the other hand, if you heard them say "I'll never forgive you" or "I'll never speak to you again"...don't worry, sooner or later they will take it back. They will forgive you and they will speak to you again. But in the meantime, just let it go.

"Never" is a strong word. Never say "Never". Because we do not know what is in store for us, in the future.

There's Always A First Time For Everything

Some people are afraid to try something new. Some are afraid of changes, thus the term "Resistant to Change". Some would say "I don't know how to do it". Are they being paranoid? Let's see....

The first company that I started to work with, Pesaka Jardine, taught me a lot of things. For one, I was taught on 'doing things right for the first time'. In terms of work, this would eventually help to reduce wastage and redundancies. But would this apply in a real life situation? I guess not.

There's always a first time for everything. But how would you do it right the first time if you don't know what you're in for, right? So what differentiates us from one another is our ability to learn from that first time. Sometimes you'll get it right the first time...(perhaps you're being lucky). Sometimes you won't. So what if you don't? Learn from the mistake. Either you don't repeat the same thing again, or you try to do it better.

For example, you are entering into a business venture. That's your first time and you failed. Don't give up. Think back on what you have done (or have not done) that leads to the failure. Change your strategies...learn from those who are experienced... There's always a first time for everything.

There's a first interview. A first time falling heads over heels for a cute gal. A first time you fall out of love. A first time you fall face down onto the sidewalk. A first time you have to talk in front of a large audience. A first meeting with all the top management. A first time you have a baby. A first time you were scolded in front of your co-workers. A first time you went totally broke...bla bla bla..

The point is...don't be too paranoid. Don't be too afraid. If you have to do it, just do it. It's okay if you fouled up. It's okay if you make a mistake. Just learn from it and move on. So what...

There's always a first time for everything...

You Will Get What You Wished For

When I started working back in 1991, my first pay was only RM800. I envied my friends who earned RM1200 - RM1500 then. When my elder brother got back from the UKs and started working, he earned almost RM8,000. So I wished that one day I would earn RM10,000. 19 years later, I got what I wished for. My last drawn salary was RM10,600. But I quit the job!

Those days, my only wish was to have my own house and a car. My first car was a CLK (Cute Little Kancil), that I bought after working for 5 years. I bought my first house after working for about 10 years.

When I was in my early twenties and already working, most of my lady colleagues got hitched between 22 - 25 years of age. So people started to ask me "When are you getting married?". I told them that "There are still a lot of things I wanted to achieve in life. Marriage is the last thing on my mind right now". So I got married when I was 35 years old. By then, I've already travelled to all the 12 States in Malaysia (save for Sarawak), I've had a great time jungle trekking and been up to Mt. Kinabalu; I was already a successful worker, I have my own house and my own car.

But there were frustrations and heartbreaks over the years that made me think, why didn't I get what I wanted? I wanted to marry my ex-boyfriend but finally I got ditched. I wanted to buy an apartment somewhere in Subang Jaya but finally I bought a landed property in Gelang Patah, Johor. I wanted to be one of the first ladies to hold an important position in a port, but I ended up leaving the port industry to become a housemaker.

After much thoughts, I figured that we don't always get what we want...but we'll get what we wished for.

So if any one of you wanted to marry Prince William...dream on. You'll never get it. Well...you could. But the odds are...you won't! But if you wish to marry a Prince or someone with loads of money...God willing, you will. Wish for a luxury car. God willing, you'll get either a BMW Sport, a Mercedes Benz, a Volvo or a Porsche. But if you wish for a BMW X5...you might not get it and you'll get frustrated. Wish for a house. God willing, you'll get either a bangalow, an intermediate terrace, a semi-D or a condo.

If you want to get married, wish for a good guy who would love you like nobody else would love you. God willing, you will get the all-in-one package - a handsome, well-off and a good, lovable guy. If you wish for a handsome man, you might get one who is penniless or a hooligan or even worse, a playboy! If you wish for a rich man, you might get one who is bald and bulky. Haha.

Get it?