Writer for Hire

What's next? I wondered.

Once I made the decision to quit working, I knew that I'll be facing the same issue as I did back in 2010 and 2015. That my husband will be the sole breadwinner of the family and we need to be prudent in our spending.

While he has no objection to my quitting, I think deep down in his heart, he must be worried about our expenses and liabilities. His is not ours alone. He has his family to take care of, too.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking. I need to do something to get some income. And I need to do something that I can do from home or wherever, without being stuck to the 9-5 routine.

The only skill I have is writing. I think, that's the only thing I know and good at. Even after all these years working.

And I need to expand my knowledge that I've gained in GBI, TTT and EWTC into something for the future generation. Probably a talking gig...a book...articles of sort. I don't know. Anything that I can explore upon.

I'm in the midst of writing a book. My first book. If God's willing. But I'm not hoping for this book to become best seller or to give me loads of royalties. My intention was just to come out with my first book.

For the income, I thought of being a Writer for Hire. Ghostwriter. Copywriter. Proofreader. Someone whom others could seek for help with, when they need something to be written. Though I have never done that, I know it is something that I can learn. I mean, I am a fast learner!

I am feeling very uncomfortable right now. Lots of things I need to adjust with this new life. I need to be more discipline in terms of time. I need to focus on learning the new skill, I need to read a lot. At the same time, I need to also focus on my studies.

I have an assignment coming up for my MBA. Then there's a proposal for the Management Research Challenge that I need to work on. Last but not least, there's the Personal Development assignment I need to also work on, by end of this year.

Wow! Lots of things on my hands, it seems.

I hope I won't get overwhelmed again.

Frustration

I just came back from a 5 days' travel outstation. Found out that my kids have not done their exercises and didn't focus on their studies. My son, on the other hand, went for a competition and I had to miss it. I have tried, in all might, to attend every programs and to be there where their school matters. My husband is working on shift, so he couldn't be there as well.

I couldn't help but feel frustrated with myself. I am supposed to be there for my son, to support him morally and I know he would have loved it. I feel frustrated with my daughter because she couldn't sustain herself when I am not around. And she is having an important exam by end of the year. Not that I impose strongly on her that she must obtain straight As in the exam, I just don't want her to be left out.

I'm not putting the blame on myself either, because I know we can't afford to have only one breadwinner in the household. I'm just thinking if there is another way out...

So I need to justify what are the most important things in my life right now. Money and position are not part of it. That's for sure.

Confused

More often than not, I will get confused between what I want and what I am supposed to be doing. For example, I want to do something for myself like travel the world. But at the same time I need to be here to take care of my kids and my family. Most importantly, I need to work so that I will get the income for our sustenance.

After reading other successful people's Blogs, FB postings and Instagrams, I realised that in order to be happy and being satisfied with my life, I have to go after my dreams. Meaning that I need to forgo whatever that I am doing now and go after my dreams. And I need to do that now, or never.

So at times, I get confused. Or probably that's my mindfrick working their tricks on my mind. I don't know. Probably they are.

Currently, I'm trying to think how best can I get out of this dilemma. Of course, one way or the other, there will be things that I have to let go. I will gain some and lose some. And I have to be prepared.

I've been through the same back in 2010 and the results were not as expected. It was terrible. The decision I made then have turned my life and my family, upside down. I don't want the same to be repeated. So I may have to take more time in thinking about it and taking the necessary steps to ensure everything will be taken care of, when I finally made my decision.

I have faith in God who Knows what is best for me and I have faith that He will answer my calling and provide the proper guidance to my worries.

Overwhelmed

Sometimes, I want to do so many things at the same time that I got overwhelmed. I have only a few hours in the evening, after work, to get things done at personal front. On weekdays I have between 7pm to 11pm and most of the time 7pm to 9pm would be filled with kids...kids...kids... That's the time when we would have dinner and to cram a bit of time for their studies.

From 9pm to 11pm is my me-time. That's when I got overwhelmed with the amount of knowledge I want to acquire, books to read, assignments to complete and sources to search. At times it makes me confused and I ended up doing nothing! Haha. Such an excuse, eh?

I need to be more attentive towards keeping to my time management or else I will lose a lot of opportunity in making the most out of the time I have.

Is It Worth It?

Early in the year I have set some targets to achieve. The first that I have achieved is getting certified as a NLP Practitioner. In addition, I've also been certified as a Time Line Theraphy(TM) practitioner. It was indeed a great experience and the best thing is, I did it on my own accord. Of course, I wouldn't have done it without the support of my husband and my kids. I practically had to leave them at home for three weekends in a row!

In the weeks that follow, I had to travel up and down and couldn't be home most of the time. Even when I'm home, I have to focus on my studies. As such that I am neglecting my kids and their studies. I know that they need someone to look over when they are doing their homework or exercise. Otherwise, they will play truant or not doing any exercise at all. And Kakak, my daughter, is sitting for her UPSR (Year 6 exams).

Most of the time I feel guilty for not being there for them. And that got me to thinking...is it all worth it?

I mean yeah...the money is good and it provides for all our needs. In trade of my time spent with them and my attention. Which is more important to me? It's my family, of course. But I can't be everywhere at the same time and do everything at the same time. And my heart is always at home, with them.

So I have to keep on searching and keep on looking out for opportunities where I can generate income while not affecting my time with and attention for my family.  After all, I am still the wife and mother.

A New Year Has Begun

Hey, it's 2018! And we are already in the mid of January...how time flies.

I'm writing to reflect on how 2017 was and how 2018 has been treating me so far. 

Well, 2017 ended subtly.

Looking back, I'd say that it was generally a good year despite the fact that I've lost my dear brother to the Big C. Probably, realising the fact that he passed on in a good way and towards a much better place gave my heart some assurance that all is not lost after all. Probably also, because of the healing my friend did on me that made it easier to let go of my grieve. Sadness still lurks around sometimes.


Just before 2017 ended, I've made up my mind not to have any New Year Resolutions this time around. Instead, I have listed down the things that I want to focus on, this year. Here they are:

1. Going for NLP Practitioner Certification.
2. Completing my Stage 2 MBA.
3. Spend time with my kids, going through their studies. Especially Kakak, because she'll be sitting for her UPSR (Year 6 exams) end of the year.
4. To complete the book for my kids and launch it by July 2018.
5. Focus on my speaking programs.
6. Improve my health through healthier diet and exercise.

I think I am wiser than I was to maintain my focus this year so that I will achieve all the above successfully.

I am, after all, a WARRIOR and warriors go through the Finish Line, warriors take action in spite of fear and mood. 

So, here's to a great and fulfilling year!The year of New Beginning!

Whirpool

This one week has been like a whirlpool for me. I don't even have time to listen to my what I'm thinking. Too busy. Mostly with the preparations for my Exams. At the same time, I could still feel 'empty' and lonely even when I'm in a crowded place. My mind is occupied. But with only one thing - the Exams.

Now, why am I so concerned? The lecturers said it doesn't matter how much we score because by end of the day we will still get the MBA. But how can I just sit back and relax when my other team members are studying like crazy? Huh?

The marks do matter, actually. The results I got for my Financial Resources and Managing People assignments were not that good. I need at least 50% marks for each from the Exams in order to get a "Pass". Otherwise I will have to resit the papers next year. Not something I am looking forward to. So might as well I study hard now.

This MBA matters much to me in my quest for self-actualisation. I don't know what I would do once I get over this (in another TWO years). I don't know if I would ever GET over it. As the saying goes "just go with the flow". Deep down in my heart I know that this is something that I need to do. I just know it. It's a "Now or Never" kind of thing. In that sense, no matter how difficult, no matter how hard and no matter how challenging the path is, I will make sure to thread through it with grace.

I stand guided by the knowledge and guidance given to me by the AlMighty. For He is the only One Who Knoweth all.

Reflection #03

Been a while. Yes. I have been struggling with my health for the past three months. Now I'm feeling fine. Still recuperating. Still managing the asthma. Getting to the pink of health. Insya Allah. Slowly but surely.

I watched a video by Robert Riopel earlier today, in his Fan Page. That video brought me back to home. He reminded me of what I am supposed to be doing and WHY I'm doing it. Yes, one of the reasons why people failed in life is because they don't know what they are after. So how could they succeed if they don't even know what to achieve? True or true? Same here with me.

Engulfed with self-pity from the heartbreaks of many many years ago, added with the deep grieve I felt after my parents were gone and then my elder brother, I came to realise that I have actually neglected myself for so long. I have become a victim without me knowing it. Or probably I do but I chose to ignore. One of the things that I know I know and I chose not to know.

This realisation...this sudden awareness, I think has something to do with the healing that my friend Lina Masrina did on me when she came to visit not too long ago. I think the healing has cleared the path for my self-pity to finally find its way out and roam free. Because from that day onwards, as though in trance, I felt at ease and in peace with myself. I began to be AWARE. I began to think what I think and feel what I feel. The most recent heartbreak, though I have been carrying with me for the past 18 or so years, have disappeared into thin air. I could still remember but no longer do I feel the pain. I could finally FORGIVE myself and let go. Really, really let go.

Amazing, isn't it? How a 30-minutes healing could make a 26 years of inner pain, suffering and self-pity dissolved into thin air and purify the soul? That, was indeed a purification for me.

Since then on, everyday my senses seem to be awake. Like I have just got out from a coma. To my amazement, most of the time things that I've been thinking would physically appear. For example if I've been thinking of a certain words of wisdom, in an instance I would be reading the same in a book. It all started only recently.

When I bought the book, The Way of Achievers written by a warrior-friend, Maitha al-Shamsi. I had just been planning and writing down the scopes of the book for my kids. Something that I have actually planned for many years and did nothing. In her book, Maitha wrote exactly what I need to do in order to make sure the book is written!

Robert, on the other hand, spoke in his video about what a warrior should be doing at this time of the year. Yes, a warrior will go THROUGH the Finish Line, instead of waiting for the year to end and to start all over again in 2018. These two, coupled with the first few pages of High Performance Habits written by Brendon Burchard that I'm starting to read, gave me sort of an assurance that I am actually going into the right direction. Okay, I've said this once a few years ago and I'm still here at the Start, but this time I'm afraid things will change. Because I, will make that change happen!

First thing's first...I'm going to go through with the exams for my MBA that is due in 9 days. After the exams, I will resume with my daily commitment to work on the book for my kids. At the same time, I have committed myself to something else in January 2018 and have started paying for it progressively. I have also committed myself to the Stage 2 of the MBA Programme that will start in February.

I am still searching for my calling. Up to now, all I can feel tightly hugging my very own soul and tugging at my conscience is writing. I have a few ideas in my mind, need to put them into actions. But who knows...I may end up doing Stand-up Comedy. Haha. 😄

Seven Years In Summary

This is a continuation to the post that I wrote back in 2015 (click to read):-


2017 is going to an end in about two and a half month's time. Reflecting on my life the past 7 years, this is to summarise it:
2010 - Anger & Frustration
2011 - Repentance
2012 & 2013 - Sadness
2014 - Trying Hard To Forget
2015 - Peace & Coming Home
2016 - Hope
2017 - Development

This year, I've developed myself to overcome the grieve following my brother's passing. At the same time I've developed myself in a few new areas, especially at work.

My wish for 2018 - it's going to be a year of New Beginning. Insya Allah.

Past, Present and Future

After being mersmerised and in daze for a few days, I wrote this on Facebook:-

Each and every one of us has a PAST. Each and every one. It's also called HISTORY. Why? Because once upon a time families would sit around and listen to stories told by their elder ones...His story.

Some people don't want to remember their past. Mostly because it was too painful, too heartbreaking or too disappointing. So they tend to forget about it. Well, of course they would do that. Who would want to remember a painful and disheartening past, huh?

Like me. I have a lot of painful memories of the past. I put the blame on those who were involved. I even put the blame on my mother! Duhhhh....

But here's the thing.

Whatever you do, you can't change the fact that your past DID HAPPEN. Bad news, huh? Yeah, they did. Unknowingly, you are who you are today because of the incidents or events that have occurred in the past. Either you've made yourself better or worse, that was your choice. However, I am sure all of us would not want any of those to be repeated. Aye? In a way, you do have something to learn from the past. Mistakes that you did in the past, sins that you have committed, wrongdoings that you did onto other people, etc etc etc....have made you a better person today.

There are also those who are fortunate enough to have a very good past. Filled with fun, love, happiness and even success. Whether you realise that or not. Whether you accept that or not. The facts is, you HAVE CHANGED. One becomes wiser with age. Didn't the wise say that? Indeed we do become wiser as we aged.

That's why now is called the PRESENT. It is a gift for you from the yesteryears.
So you should embrace the now. Enjoy the moment of being who you are today, who is much much better than before.

Forget about thinking who you 'should've been' or 'could've been' or 'would've been' because 'should have', 'could have' and 'would have' don't exist. It was just the mind trying to trick you into believing that you could be someone else. Which is just crap. There is no such thing as should have, could have and would have! No. They don't exist.

Hang on. There's more. Guess what?

Who you are TODAY will determine who you will become in the future. Be it tomorrow, the next day, next week, next month or next year. Pick the choice. It's all yours.

Then your present will eventually become your past, in your future.

I'll say that again...

Your present will eventually become your past, in your future.

Now...if you still can't get me, here's the thing:-
The PRESENT is a gift for you FROM your past and FOR your future.

Gedit?

So....if you are still unsatisfied with who you are today, make the change. If you want your future self to become better than who you are today, change it.

Nobody is more responsible for your own self, your own life, your own happiness, your own success....than YOU.

Savvy?

And I'm only saying all these because I care.

Reflection #02

A few weeks ago a friend came to visit and stayed with us for two nights. She was from Singapore. One of our fellow Warriors. I didn't know her that well but somehow there is a connection between us and it made me feel comfortable when I'm around her.

So she came, partly because it was the Eid ul Adha. Partly because I needed her help with some healing.

I was just been discharged from the hospital two days before she came, due to bronchitis. The last time I was warded was in 2015. Somehow, I felt that my illness has nothing to do with my physical being. It was more of my mental and psychological. I was losing my way. I got lost along the way.My mind, my body and soul were fighting against each other. It made me confused. It made me sick.

Of course, there was the whole thing about my grieve to deal with.

On the second day she was here, Lina (that's her name), asked me if I wanted her to help me. So I said yeah, I do. She told me that my illness went way back to a couple of years and we have to deal with that first. We went through a few sessions of healing. I can't describe to you how and what it was. One has to experience it in order to understand.

She took off layer after layer of anger, frustration, blame, self-blame, etc and make them disappear. The most important ingredient in this healing process is that you have to be true to yourself. That is, if you really want to heal yourself from all those bad vibes.

After the sessions were completed, I felt 'lighter'. Like a 20-years of burden being lifted off my shoulders. I felt light and at the same time mersmerised. It was like..."Eh, what happened'? I didn't quite know what had hit me. But I suddenly began to realise that all those 'baggage' I have been carrying on my back have taken a toll on myself. Even though I've said it before that I have forgiven and let go, I think I have not fully did. And in those healing sessions, I did. Most importantly, I have forgiven MYSELF!

After Lina went home, I was still dazed. Seems like I have finally managed to put the past behind me. Not to forget, not to remember either, but to cherish.

Reflection #01

There are times when I feel like I have not done enough in my life. Even though I now have my own family with two wonderful kids, I have my own house that I call "home", I have a steady income and almost anything that I could ever think of.

Why is that so?

Most people would say that I am being ungrateful. I don't think so. I am always grateful for what God has bestowed upon me all these years. Since I was young, I have never lived a life of misery. My family was never "dirt poor". We would always have something to eat, a house to live in, clothes to wear (even if they were hand-me-downs from my cousins) and we were always able to go to school. Though it wasn't luxurious, we had what we need.

I have been thinking about what I'm feeling for the past few days. Looking back at my life, I realised that this feeling is not about 'what' is missing but it is about 'how'.

I was the second child in the family. More often than not, second child is labelled as 'The Rebels'. Probably because we do rebel a lot. But why we do that? It wasn't because we envy the first child. It wasn't because we wanted the attention. But it was because we were not given the attention that we were supposed to get. More so when the third or fourth or fifth child came along. The second would always remain as a second.

In my case, sadly enough, I was always compared to, against my elder brother by my mother. Not only in terms of education but also in terms of behaviors. Yes, I was the active one. Yes, I was the naughty one. Yes, sometimes words that came out of my mouth were unwarranted words, unworthy of being spoken by a child. Should I be punished and labelled as "spoiled" just because of that? Should I be denied of the attention and love that I was supposed to receive just because of who I was?

I've been trying in vain to let go of these ill feelings. At times, I am proud of myself for all the achievements that I have gained in my adult years. I am proud that I managed to score the same grades as my brother did, twice! Perhaps that's why sometimes I feel like I'm letting myself down. I put high expectations on myself! So, when I couldn't meet those expectations, of course I would feel bad and incapable.

No, this is not easy but I have to try and get it over with.

To all you parents out there, my plea to you is this:
Please DO NOT differentiate the treatment between your children. Each of them, has their own uniqueness. Just monitor and manage. If there is a need, change it individually so that they can become a better person. But down downgrade them against their own siblings.