Holding on to the Past

Sometimes I wonder, what makes me always thinking of the past. Why, at some point, I still couldn't move on.

Someone made me realize that I have been harping on the past and keep on thinking about it. She suggested that I should let it go. I've been holding on to the past for so long. I know it's dragging me down. I'm not happy.

There are things that I couldn't let go. I'm afraid if I do, I will lose the memory. Good or bad. As if the memories are the only things that can keep me going, moving ahead. When in fact, they are just dragging me back.

I'm not moving. Not progressing at all. Even when there are 'some' development. Actually, there's nothing much. Frankly. And sadly.

As I sit and type this, all those memories, all those feelings, came flooding back. However, this time I'm making them conscious. I want to see and feel them. I want to know how it really feels at its darkest moment.

Fear. That's what I'm feeling after the deaths of my parents and my elder brother. It came in the form of sadness. Disguised itself so that I couldn't realize it for what it actually was.

Guilt. That's what I felt after my elder brother passed on. I felt guilty because I wasn't able to do the best that I should, for him, when he needed me. Guilt because I knew I should have done more. However, the fear that I felt kept me away from him.

Self-pity. I've had this for the longest time. I think probably it went back to my teenage years. Or probably since I was a young child. Pity myself for not having the love and attention that I wanted. This is the deepest feeling that I have ever felt. One which even my alter ego wouldn't confessed of having.

Self-pity was also the reason why I feel dejected all these while. The reason why I had the suicidal thoughts not too long ago. The reason why I refused to let go of the past. By far, I think this is the cruellest form of a dark feeling.

At some point, I knew these were the reason why I kept on changing my lifestyle and my needs. I didn't actually know what I want until I realised these were the darkest secret that my own being have been keeping from me.

Now that I know, I need to deal with them. Once and for all!

Oh, my poor girl!

My daughter bought a scrap book that costs about RM22.00 earlier today. She told me that she wanted to work on a 'project' for my upcoming Anniversary. She wanted to make an album of me and my husband.

When we arrived home, she immediately went to scour the photo albums looking for photos that she'd put in the scrapbook. She found a hands' full of photos and came to my room to scan them. In colour! I looked through the photos, rejected a few and finally I nagged at her for being so engrossed with this 'project' while not doing anything when I asked her to study. I told her that while she refused to do what I have asked her to do, now she is asking me to do something there and then. So I asked her to put the photos on my table and that I will "scan them when I'm free".

I told her that I appreciate what she was trying to do but all I want from her was to study. She slowly picked up the photos and left the room. I called her back, asked her to give me the photos. She said that she's not going to do it anymore. She'll just make me a card.

Awwww....!!! Now doesn't that sound so saddddd??? What have I done?!

I've turned into my parents!

I've shot dead my daughter's enthusiasm tonight. Why...oh why...did I do just that?

I could've handled the situation in a much better way. Instead, I unconsciously turn myself into my late Mom (sorry Mak!) and nagged at her. I should've encouraged her!

Oh...I need some coaxing to do. My poor girl!

Frustration

I just came back from a 5 days' travel outstation. Found out that my kids have not done their exercises and didn't focus on their studies. My son, on the other hand, went for a competition and I had to miss it. I have tried, in all might, to attend every programs and to be there where their school matters. My husband is working on shift, so he couldn't be there as well.

I couldn't help but feel frustrated with myself. I am supposed to be there for my son, to support him morally and I know he would have loved it. I feel frustrated with my daughter because she couldn't sustain herself when I am not around. And she is having an important exam by end of the year. Not that I impose strongly on her that she must obtain straight As in the exam, I just don't want her to be left out.

I'm not putting the blame on myself either, because I know we can't afford to have only one breadwinner in the household. I'm just thinking if there is another way out...

So I need to justify what are the most important things in my life right now. Money and position are not part of it. That's for sure.

Confused

More often than not, I will get confused between what I want and what I am supposed to be doing. For example, I want to do something for myself like travel the world. But at the same time I need to be here to take care of my kids and my family. Most importantly, I need to work so that I will get the income for our sustenance.

After reading other successful people's Blogs, FB postings and Instagrams, I realised that in order to be happy and being satisfied with my life, I have to go after my dreams. Meaning that I need to forgo whatever that I am doing now and go after my dreams. And I need to do that now, or never.

So at times, I get confused. Or probably that's my mindfrick working their tricks on my mind. I don't know. Probably they are.

Currently, I'm trying to think how best can I get out of this dilemma. Of course, one way or the other, there will be things that I have to let go. I will gain some and lose some. And I have to be prepared.

I've been through the same back in 2010 and the results were not as expected. It was terrible. The decision I made then have turned my life and my family, upside down. I don't want the same to be repeated. So I may have to take more time in thinking about it and taking the necessary steps to ensure everything will be taken care of, when I finally made my decision.

I have faith in God who Knows what is best for me and I have faith that He will answer my calling and provide the proper guidance to my worries.

A Pinch On The Arm

I'd consider this as a low point in my life. Not as low as I used to be...but the "sinking" feeling is there. No, I don't like this situation. Not at all.

It makes me feel HELPLESS.

I can't breathe properly. That makes it difficult to walk. I'd cough every time I take a breath. After every cough, I'd feel breathless. Its the spasm, as the Doctor said. It makes the bronchial in my lungs constricted, thus restricting air flow. To add to this 'situation' my daughter is having chicken pox! So she's confined at home. Luckily it's school holiday for the week.

It keeps me thinking....did I 'invite' all these into my life? Probably I did. Subconsciously. Who knows?

Since I had that small talk with Lina a few weeks back, I started to think back to what I had been planning a few years back. I've made a very good Life Plan, the most comprehensive plan I've ever done in my whole life! It covers almost every aspect, concisely.

How much time have I wasted? How far have I gone astray from my plans? How could I have forgotten? How could I become easily distracted?

I dawned on me that my focus has shifted since I started working. I am now living the life of others, than my own. Of course, I need the money to settle all my debts. But I'm not supposed to forget what I have planned. I'm supposed to follow through with the plans on weekly and monthly basis. I've neglected the most important person in my life ever since then. ME!

This illness could be a reminder from the AlMighty. Like a pinch on the arm. So that I'd turn around and keep stock of what I have done and what I have missed. Probably He was trying to tell me that I should retrace my steps. Go back to what I have planned before.

Ironically, I bought a book from Amazon which I received last week. It's a book written by a friend I met at Success Resources programs. The Way of Achievers, by Maitha J. Al Shamsi. In the first few pages, she wrote "I have seen people get sick due to work pressure which creates all kind of health issues and disease". That kind of alerted me. In the Chapter that follows, she gave a step-by-step process on creating vision. This book was like taking me back in time.

Sure. I believe the Universe is trying to tell me something. This low point that I am experiencing was indeed my own fault. I didn't follow through with my plans. So what should I do now?

The wisest move is to turn back and retrace.

What Matters Most

I was hospitalised in August, after having a bad cough for a few days. Luckily it wasn't tuberculosis or anything serious. It was first diagnosed as bronchitis. After a few round of tests, the Specialist finally diagnosed me as having 'Cough-Variant' Asthma. She said was a rare kind of asthma. Hardly found in any of her patients. So she considered my condition as unusual, in a special kind of way.

I was warded for four days and given the next week off. At the time of discharge I knew I was still unwell. Even after the week's off and when I got back to work, I was still coughing and wheezing. I had a hard time sleeping at night. Started to snore. I've never snored!

When I had to see the Doctor again for follow-up check, she found that my coughing had worsened and she admitted me again. Wow! Hospitalised again! She was actually at lost with what kind of treatment should be given to me. For she had given me the best and the strongest of medicines. For the second time, I was warded for five days. When I was discharged, I felt a little bit better.

This morning, I went to the Doctor. For follow-up check again. But also because I had an asthma attack on Friday, three days ago. The Doctor told me that my condition is chronic. She told me that she had given me the best treatment and I took the medications (particularly the inhaler) according to her prescriptions. The only thing that could have made my condition worsened was the triggering factor. After discussing about it, we came to a conclusion that my asthma can be triggered by cold environment. Air-conditioned room / car, rain, fan. Rainy season is definitely not my good friend. When it rains in the night, I'll catch this big A in the morning. Most of the time.

I could also get it easily when I'm having flu. The mucus will block my nostrils and my air passageway, making it difficult to breathe. That'll create spasms in the lungs, thus creating 'ronchi' as the Doctor told me.

This coughing, I've actually had it for a long long time. I knew that I'm an asthmatic. My panel doctors know that I'm asthmatic. But I didn't know that there is such a specific name for it. And according to the Specialist, this kind of asthma cannot be easily identified. Not many Doctors would have given the correct diagnose. So I consider myself lucky for having met with this Specialist.

When you're having health problems that leaves you choking for breath every time it occurs, you'll start thinking if this is the last breath. It'll make you feel even worse when you have kids and work to worry about. At this point of time, I'd say that health is more valuable than any amount of money and materials that we have in this world.

HEALTH is all that matters.