Life and Death

Seems like I have not been keeping my own part of the deal to keep this Blog going. I should have used it to pen down my thoughts and my feelings. But I have been turning to Facebook in doing all that nowadays though this Blog has always been on my mind. 

I wrote in 2015 that 2016 was going to be a year of HOPE. In way, it has. 

This photo was captured in 2015

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, I managed to secure a job in the middle of the year. Based in Johor where my family resides. I thought all was well until I had to travel more often than I thought I would. Not only because of my work but also because I had to attend to my elder brother.

Sadly, he was diagnosed with cancer sometime in September. Stage 4! Not any kind of cancer, it was pancreatic cancer. One of the rarest kind. It was indeed a devastating news for all of us. He was in shock. So was I and my other siblings. How could we afford another loss after all those years trying to get over the sorrow of losing both my parents?  

Since my brother was a bachelor, I knew I had to be there for him to support and help him in anyway I could. Hence I travelled from JB to KL almost every other weekend to attend to him. That's over 600km to and fro. He started his chemotherapy session in October. Prior to that, we tried to look for other alternative treatment but they were too expensive. So my brother decided to go for chemo first. 

At first, he was put on the normal chemo regime for 6 cycles. Every cycle would require him to undergo treatment once a week for three weeks. Then he'd go on 'break' for two weeks before he would go for the second cycle. However, he did only the first cycle before the Doctor at the ward asked him to go home and spend time with family. Just because the treatment has no effect on my brother! How insensitive. But the Head of Oncology asked him to be put on another regime. This time, my brother had to take the chemo pouch home for 48 hours every alternate week. There was quite an improvement. 

Unfortunately, my brother became weaker and weaker by the weeks. He couldn't eat very much. What he did was drink milk made for diabetics. Every now and then he'd ask me to buy some food but when I put them in front of him he just won't touch it. People said that's what chemo did for patients. It kills their appetite. 

My brother passed away on 20th March 2017. Most people thought that he fought the Big C in a matter of 6 months, because that was when he got to know about it. But I knew and the Head of Oncology said it himself, that he's been having this dreadful thing for almost 2 years before he was diagnosed. 

Laid to rest.

I was indeed a very sad moment for me and my two younger brothers. We've lost yet another family member. But who are we to deny his fate? 

My brother was laid to rest in line with my parents' grave. Our family and his friends were there to bid him farewell. They were there when he breathed his last breath at the hospital. Others gave tribute to him through his Facebook timeline and also through their own Blogs. It was so heart wrenching. I didn't know that my brother had contributed so much to the creative industry. 

So, 2016 was indeed a Hopeful year because we were hopeful that my brother would overcome the Big C. Finally he succumbed to it in 2017. 

Us. 1971.

In trying to make this year an awesome year, I have to face this challenge of getting over my brother's passing. It's not as easy as it seems. Me and my brother was only 11 months apart. He was my best friend and my foe since we were kids. Most people don't understand how it feels. Only those who have lost their loved ones one after the other would feel the pain. So yes, I am still in grieve although it has been more than a month. Given time, I will get over this sinking feeling. Insya Allah. 

As a Muslim, I have to move on with life. Yet I can't forget that soon, my time will also come to join my parents and my brother wherever they are. I have to live my life as it is while at the same time make the effort to increase my investment for the hereafter. For that's where my final destination will be.  

AMRI ROHAYAT BIN AHMAD RANI (2/10/1968 - 20/3/2017)

May Allah bless his soul and place him among the righteous. May Allah ease this sorrow and grieve that I am feeling and place it with His never ending love, forgiveness and mercy. 

Amiinnn.


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