A Pinch On The Arm

I'd consider this as a low point in my life. Not as low as I used to be...but the "sinking" feeling is there. No, I don't like this situation. Not at all.

It makes me feel HELPLESS.

I can't breathe properly. That makes it difficult to walk. I'd cough every time I take a breath. After every cough, I'd feel breathless. Its the spasm, as the Doctor said. It makes the bronchial in my lungs constricted, thus restricting air flow. To add to this 'situation' my daughter is having chicken pox! So she's confined at home. Luckily it's school holiday for the week.

It keeps me thinking....did I 'invite' all these into my life? Probably I did. Subconsciously. Who knows?

Since I had that small talk with Lina a few weeks back, I started to think back to what I had been planning a few years back. I've made a very good Life Plan, the most comprehensive plan I've ever done in my whole life! It covers almost every aspect, concisely.

How much time have I wasted? How far have I gone astray from my plans? How could I have forgotten? How could I become easily distracted?

I dawned on me that my focus has shifted since I started working. I am now living the life of others, than my own. Of course, I need the money to settle all my debts. But I'm not supposed to forget what I have planned. I'm supposed to follow through with the plans on weekly and monthly basis. I've neglected the most important person in my life ever since then. ME!

This illness could be a reminder from the AlMighty. Like a pinch on the arm. So that I'd turn around and keep stock of what I have done and what I have missed. Probably He was trying to tell me that I should retrace my steps. Go back to what I have planned before.

Ironically, I bought a book from Amazon which I received last week. It's a book written by a friend I met at Success Resources programs. The Way of Achievers, by Maitha J. Al Shamsi. In the first few pages, she wrote "I have seen people get sick due to work pressure which creates all kind of health issues and disease". That kind of alerted me. In the Chapter that follows, she gave a step-by-step process on creating vision. This book was like taking me back in time.

Sure. I believe the Universe is trying to tell me something. This low point that I am experiencing was indeed my own fault. I didn't follow through with my plans. So what should I do now?

The wisest move is to turn back and retrace.

Here It Comes Again

I've been trying to avoid this feeling that I feel inside. Probably trying to "ignore" it would be the best word to describe what I've been doing.

Every time this feeling creeps into my heart I would just put it aside and do something else. All the while putting up a brave face, pretending to be strong, busying myself and my mind with work and assignments and family. You know what? It's not going away. It's still there, deep inside my heart. So sometimes, like tonight, it will come back to surface.

It's been a while since the last time I cried. In fact, it's been three days. Heh. Yeah...grieve hit me that night when I was in Melaka. Because it was the 2nd of August. My Abah died on the 2nd of August, 5 years ago. Five years! Not only that, I was also crying for Mak and Abang. Oh, I missed them so much!

It cuts me deep when I feel "lost". You know, at times when we need to get away, we can always go back to our hometown and ask our mothers to cook our favourite food? Just being there was comforting. Protected, somehow. But I'm unable to do all that now. Not anymore. That thought alone, is devastating. How sad...

At the back of my mind, there is always this feeling of 'void'. Something's amiss. I once asked you, have you ever feel alone even when you are in the midst of a crowd? I get that feeling a lot.

Time will heal. So they say. I hope so, too.

Have Faith #Part02

When you embark on a project or when you are fighting for a cause or when you are simply trying to go on your own path, you will sometimes face some challenges. These challenges may also come in the form of your next of kin, your own family members or those very close to you.

Have faith. Always. Even when nobody believes in you. Don't let any doubts pull you back.

The Leader In Me

I am a second child. I grew up learning that a second child is best being a follower than a leader. Compared to first child whom they say are naturally born leaders. So I carried that picture throughout my life. I was never good at leading a team. I felt I was only good when I work alone and on my own. That’s what I was ingrained to believe.

 

Then I made a dash at attending this Ultimate Leadership Certification camp in September this year. It was a 5-days’ camp. I thought this is going to be a breakthrough for me. Or perhaps trying to prove myself that I am worthy of being a leader. That camp was so intense that I broke down on the third day. I couldn’t take it anymore. What’s the point? I didn’t think I fare very well with my teammates. I missed my kids terribly at that time. All I could think of was to pack up and leave. Then a dear friend of mine convinced me to stay on. I mean, I’ve actually learned this from the very beginning of my journey with Success Resources – that we don’t just GET to the finish line, we go THROUGH the finish line. So I stayed. By end of the camp, I got my certificate and I got something else too…my COURAGE.

 

Throughout the camp, I always have the same thought that I wasn’t good at being a leader. Never was. Never will. But they gave me a chance. Every once in a while in the activities, I was made to lead the team. The crux of the matter was not about the activity or the game itself but it was about how I conducted myself as a leader of the team. The moment I came back from the camp, the first thing I thought to myself was “To be a leader, I have to be able to lead myself first. So what was it that I’ve been wanting to do?”.  And that’s when I made the decision to quit from my job.

 

I’ve actually done the same feat back in 2010. But then, it was for the wrong reasons. I quit my job then, for the wrong reasons. And I wasn’t ready to take actions. Now I am confident that I made the right decision. I am ready to DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to succeed as a working-from-home mom.

 

I’m doing this for my family and I’m doing this for myself. I’ve been wanting to work on my own for ages but I didn’t have the guts to do so. Now is the chance. If I don’t do this now, I’ll never do it at all. I’ve invested a lot of money to build myself up. I’m not going to waste all that for doing nothing! I’m going to take charge of my own life from now on. I’m going to lead myself to success.

 

What ever the odds are, I will take it on. I pray that God will always give me the strength and the courage to keep moving on. Insya Allah.

  

-This article was published on Wordpress November 11, 2014.

 

Taking A Side Step

Ever since I started working, I was always in the shipping industry. The earlier six years were spent with two distinguished shipping agencies. Then I went into the port industry. Always having to do with containerisation. That was my passion, it seems.

But since 2002, I was lured into doing marketing, a job which I had been trying to elude since my shipping agency days. I really don't like marketing. For some obvious reasons. I would rather do paperwork. But then, I had to follow the instructions. You see, when you're working for people that's your limitations. You just have to follow what they asked you to do.

This is the type of marketing where you need to do almost the impossible. Selling bare land (with basic infra) to foreign investors or even to locals. You need to also sell mangrove area (undeveloped land). And it's not just some bare land or mangrove area...they come with a sub-lease. So there's time factor involved. It was indeed a challenging and yet interesting job to do. Only that, when you work for people your limitations are also in terms of balancing between what are needed and could be done. You couldn't reach out to the global market so much because there's the budget that's tightening your every being. So you just have to be creative or play it the conventional way.

However, 8 years later and today, I'm taking a side step away from the port and shipping industry. Not totally...but I'd say almost 3/4 of me is already out. I'm now going into the property industry. I don't know how...and I don't know what it takes to play the game in this new playing field (for me). But I'm willing to give it a shot. I'll never know until and unless I've done it, right?

JBiz Management was set-up to lure foreign investors into setting up their businesses around Johor, particularly in manufacturing or warehousing. It's some sort of a consultancy work. For the time being...that's what I'm focusing on. For the mid-term, I'm going for the Real Estate License. I figured that if I want to be in it, might as well immerse myself in it. You know...

For the past few months I've been reading a lot about behavioral models and personal characteristics. Up to this point, I think and I'm sure that I have those basic criterias to make it to success. It's all up to me, whether I want to do it or not. This was the test that I wrote about in my earlier postings.

I'm starting small. But I'm dreaming big. God willing.

There's Light At The End Of The Tunnel

I'm going through this tunnel alone. It seems very long and dark. But I'm sure...if I keep on going, I will reach the end sooner or later. Even though I have to grope around and crawl on all fours to seek my way out, I can't give up. I'll never give up. There's light at the end of the tunnel; I can feel it.

There are times when I have to make a decision that will make me compromise my principles and that will make me swallow my pride. I will always go by my instincts nowadays. I don't know what lies ahead and I don't know if I'm making the right or wrong decision. But I have to decide. What will you do, if you are in my position? What will you do, if you don't have any other means to help you make a decision but your own? You'll have to go by your instincts, what you 'think' you have to do at that point of time.

As for me, I will decide whether to cross the bridge or not, only when I came to it...not before.

In this case, I'll go for what Donald Trump says in his book 'Think Big" :

1. You are on your own. You have to be able to bend but never break.

2. You must become very good at finding creative solutions to what appear to be impossible problems.

3. You have to put in long hours and face enormous challenges to be successful.

4. You have to look out for yourself and your attitude is the key to surviving a setback.

5. Never take your eye off the ball (in which I think it should be 'never take your eye off the goal).

6. if you want to be successful in life, you have to be able to handle pressure.

7. With every action you take and every task you complete you are building momentum. To keep momentum, keep challenging yourself.

8. Never give up on yourself.

9. Time is on your side; things do not continue downward forever.

10. Learn from mistakes but never let them take you down.

I hope, you will learn as much from the above as well.

The Tough Gets Going

I find it very difficult, most of the time, to answer when people ask me "What are you doing now?". Not that I feel embarassed for leaving corporate life to become a housewife, but to sense that those who are asking are expecting something 'better' or 'greater'. Because, whenever I said "Nothing. Just staying at home, taking care of the kids" they'd gawked and responded "Oh! Really?". And I got the feel that they felt like I was kidding them. Hmmm...

No, it's not a crime for leaving a high-paying job to become a housewife, isn't it? But why can't people accept it with an open heart? I wonder...

Then comes the next question : "How do you manage?". And I wonder...yet again...if all those people who resigned from work are being asked those sets of questions. To those who left and got another job, I guess would find it easy to answer. But what about those who left to do their own thing...their own business...their own projects...? Worst, if the business or project is still in infant stage...where you'd see nothing coming out of it. Yet.

But I'd like to share with all of you out there on this particular fact:

This is a test, for me. I'm testing myself... because I want to know how far I can go. Since I've been so comfortable all those years with salaries paid into my account every month, I found that my fighting spirit has died down. So I want to challenge myself. And no, I can't tell you what I'm up to, for now. And yes, it's not a good time. I'm under pressure...a lot of pressure and so does my husband (though he doesn't show it as much). I borrowed some money from people, not knowing when I could ever pay them back. But definitely I will. That's a promise. Banks have started calling. Expenses have started to rise. Regardless...this is something I have to do, for myself. If I don't do this now, I'll never know my true potential. I'll never know the real me.

I know...some of you would say "What a stupid thing to do". I acknowledge that. For those rationally thinking people (my mom, included) would most probably say that. But all my life, I taught myself to always think differently. And I've always wanted to do things differently. So this is what I'm doing. Whether I'm right or wrong...I've yet to find out. So please don't judge me now. I know that I've not done 100% yet... I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone. I'm trying to prove something, to MYSELF. To my own self. Please understand this.

And please know this too:

I believe in myself. I put high expectation on myself and I am determined to do what I want to do. I trust that I have what it takes to survive this self-inclined ordeal and resurface. I know that I can pull this through, no matter what. I've put a certain timeframe for myself to do this. If I fail...I would want to know that I've done my best. But before I fail...I won't give up. My life's principle is always to try three times before giving up. Who knows...I might try more this time. So please...bear with me. Time...is all I need to be on my side. And courage, too.

This is the time when I can evaluate my own strength, weaknesses, opportunities and my threats. This is also the time when I can explore the inner me. And for the time being...I highly appreciate and respect my husband for his support and understanding. I love you, Ayang.

Satu Perjalanan Yang Sukar

Dah banyak kali dengar orang kata "things happen for a reason" (sesuatu tu berlaku ada sebabnya) so kita ni kena lupakan dan teruskan hidup. Kalaulah nak melupakan tu senang macam yang dikata...tak adalah orang yang sakit jiwa & mental dalam dunia ni.

Memanglah, sebagai seorang Islam kita WAJIB percaya pada Qada' & Qadar. Kita juga WAJIB percaya pada Takdir. Tapi kita ni manusia je apa... Bukan senang nak terima especially kalau hati dan perasaan kita tu dah terluka dalam giler. Tambah pulak benda tu yang bertahun2 berlalu tetiba je muncul semula. Ibarat kata orang "luka lama berdarah kembali". Kalau boleh ambik Handyplas tampal pada luka tu, senanglah cerita...uuuu...memang senang.

Tapi ada dua perkara je yang aku pikirkan skang ni:
1. Aku boleh teruskan menjeruk hati dan perasaan sampai aku jatuh sakit & mati dengan kedukaan ni;
2. Aku bangkit, teruskan hidup sampai aku berjaya supaya aku dapatkan buktikan yang aku boleh hidup dengan kedukaan ini.

Sebagai seorang yang rasional, aku akan ambil langkah yang ke-2. Aku harap dan doakan semoga Allah SWT akan memberi aku kekuatan untuk aku menyembuhkan hati aku ni dari segala kesedihan dan kedukaan.

Against All Odds

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you

You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we shared the laugh to round the pain
And even shed the tears

You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
Who has just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just a memory of your face

Take a look at me now
Who has just an empty space
And you coming back to me
Is against the odds
And thats what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around to see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why

You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

Take a look at me now
Who has just an empty space
But to wait for you is all I can do
It's the chance I've got to take

This one is dedicated especially for Jack. I hope you'd listen to the song by Phil Collins. Every word....is true to the meaning.

Sign from Above?

For the past few days, I've experienced some weird things. Not that 'something' happened...but some words that 'came' to me unexpectedly. And it happened a few times.

I told a friend via SMS not to measure himself up against those fortunates but to measure himself down against those unfortunates. So that he'll count his blessings and be grateful with what he has. Not long after that, I came across similar verse in the book I'm reading (The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari) that says 'never get into the petty habit of measuring your self-worth againats other people's net worth'.

Then my friend responded to one of my SMS very very much later saying that 'things happen for a reason. No regrets'. And that was exactly the same verse that I read in the book a few hours before. "...yet I have learned that everything happens for a reason. ...Never regret your past. Rather, embrace it as the teacher as it is".

What does all these mean? I'm sure they were coincidences. And I'm sure that He wants me to do something...to forget about the past and never to regret any of it. Because that was exactly what I'm feeling right now. I kept thinking of my past and wonder about the 'what ifs' when I know I would never be able to bring any of them forth. How could I turn back time? Who was I kidding anyway...Myself, that's who.

Instead, I have to move forward. I have to count my own blessings and be grateful with all the love I have around me. I know he loves me and in return he'll always be dear to me. I'll keep him deep inside my heart and will remember him always. I have to focus on what I'm supposed to be doing and achieve success.

Thank you, God. You have been very kind to me. Alhamdulillah.

Self Actualisation

At this point in time, it keeps me thinking of the direction towards where I'm going. Allah has answered my prayers to get away from the routine 9-5 job which I did only because I wanted the $$$. But then it doesn't matter anymore because there's no more fun at work.

Having all these idle times, I could not help but remembering that I was once a bubbly, happy-go-lucky gal with no cares and no worries in this world. Now I've become a grouch. I've lost my sense of humour...I don't know how to enjoy myself anymore...Though I laughed at the antics brought by the two kids, it was somehow full of hollow. The laughter...it's not fulfilling. What's happening? I wonder...

I think I'm losing my sense of direction again. So I'll have to find it back...seek solace from the AlMighty and pray that He would guide me back to peace.

I've been reading a lot lately. In most of the material that I've read, somehow the same question pops up : What are the things that you like to do most? And guess what...I couldn't find the answer! I love to read, that's for sure.

Going Through The Tunnel

As it is, I'm still walking inside the tunnel. It's dark and a bit scary. I know there's gonna be light on the other side and I'll just have to walk on. Time is pressing... I have to be more productive and should not linger anymore.

I have this project in hand. But I don't know how to go about charging for the fees. How could you charge fees on information that people can easily get through the Internet? Well, I can charge them based on the services I provide when they come here. But...(again), how much? Ohh...really need to get another brain storming session.

I'm having a headache now. Better sleep on it. Gud nite luv.

Just Another Update

I've been through a lot lately, especially these past few months. But I'm not going to go into details on what has happened. Let's just say that I've quit my 5-figured-pay job in early Feb and now I'm a fulltime housewife. Well..I'd like to term it as Director of Domestic Affairs, just to make it sounds like corporate.

It wasn't a bad idea though, resigning. Now I have more time with my kids (a lot more, actually) and I have flexible time on my hands. Routine job...it's still there, with the house chores and all that, but I could do all that in my own sweet time. But I think I need to be more organised so that I could optimise my time and my effort. Guess I'm still trying to get the hang of it now.

And I couldn't just hang around and do the house chores while my husband labourously work through with his pay to ensure all the loans are served. I have to do something...a lot of things, in order to gain some income. And I've had quite an exposure for the past few weeks so by now I know the 'How'. I'm just stuck a bit on the 'What'. I was supposed to think of what are the possible things I could market on the Internet...could be my hobby, my passion, my expertise, my knowledge. Help me out a bit..

My hobby is reading, that's my passion too. I love knowledege. My expertise would be in the thing that I did during my working days...investor relations. So what could I market??? Pening...pening...pening...waiting for a sign.