I am the Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul

I just love this poem. It was written by William Ernest Henley (1849–1903) in 1875. It was given the title "Invictus" by Arthur Quiller-Couch (no date reference given). This poem was read by Morgan Freeman in the film "Invictus". Invictus is Latin for 'unconquered".

 I'd read it every time I started doubting myself. I especially like the last two verses.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

Self Regulating

Almost every day I'd read news about accidents. Sadly, most of them involved fatalities. Sometimes they were reported as speeding, sometimes because of road conditions, sometimes because of negligence. It was sad, reading those news. Heart wrenching, even, to look at the gruesome photos.

When I was driving around, I think I'd know why accidents happen. Like for example, one car skidded and hit the road barrier. All on its own. How? Why did that not happen to other cars? On rainy days, while driving along the highway, more often than not I'd see a few cars involved in accidents - bumper to bumper. Sometimes on its own. How? Why?

I can also see a lot of motorcyclists speeding, not wearing helmets, go against the red lights, go against the traffic and overtake on left side instead of right. On the highway, I'd see them following closely behind lorries (especially), I think because they wanted to get away from the wind.

To me, most of the accidents occurred because of negligence. Either negligence of the second party or the first party. Of course, nobody 'wanted' to get involved in accidents. But without realising, their behaviours tend to increase the risk of getting into fatal accidents. Speeding caused fatality when involved in accidents. I'm not good at physics, but I would think that when something is moving fast, it would definitely create bigger impact when it hits on something. 

Apart from speed, not wearing helmets could contribute to fatality when involved in accidents because your head is not protected. So would going against the red lights, so on and so forth. Yet when accidents happened, people blame the authorities for not being able to take proper actions or their lack of initiatives to prevent accidents from happening.

I don't deny the fact that our roads can be very dark at night. Then again, if it's dark, we should drive carefully according to the speed limit. Below, not beyond. What I mean to say is....we should be able to self-regulate ourselves. We know the rules and regulations of driving and riding a motor vehicle the moment we took driving classes for the driving license. So everyone who has a valid driving license should already know the rules and regulations. But the trend is, as long as there is no police officer then we can go against the rules.

Picture a four-junction without traffic lights. See how chaotic the traffic can be at peak periods. That's exactly how chaotic the road is if people just simply refused to abide by the rules. The way I look at it, a person of integrity would follow the rules no matter where he/she is. And following the rules might save your live, the lives of your loved ones and the lives of other road users.

I'd say "Self Regulating Starts From Me".

The Leader In Me

I am a second child. I grew up learning that a second child is best being a follower than a leader. Compared to first child whom they say are naturally born leaders. So I carried that picture throughout my life. I was never good at leading a team. I felt I was only good when I work alone and on my own. That’s what I was ingrained to believe.

 

Then I made a dash at attending this Ultimate Leadership Certification camp in September this year. It was a 5-days’ camp. I thought this is going to be a breakthrough for me. Or perhaps trying to prove myself that I am worthy of being a leader. That camp was so intense that I broke down on the third day. I couldn’t take it anymore. What’s the point? I didn’t think I fare very well with my teammates. I missed my kids terribly at that time. All I could think of was to pack up and leave. Then a dear friend of mine convinced me to stay on. I mean, I’ve actually learned this from the very beginning of my journey with Success Resources – that we don’t just GET to the finish line, we go THROUGH the finish line. So I stayed. By end of the camp, I got my certificate and I got something else too…my COURAGE.

 

Throughout the camp, I always have the same thought that I wasn’t good at being a leader. Never was. Never will. But they gave me a chance. Every once in a while in the activities, I was made to lead the team. The crux of the matter was not about the activity or the game itself but it was about how I conducted myself as a leader of the team. The moment I came back from the camp, the first thing I thought to myself was “To be a leader, I have to be able to lead myself first. So what was it that I’ve been wanting to do?”.  And that’s when I made the decision to quit from my job.

 

I’ve actually done the same feat back in 2010. But then, it was for the wrong reasons. I quit my job then, for the wrong reasons. And I wasn’t ready to take actions. Now I am confident that I made the right decision. I am ready to DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to succeed as a working-from-home mom.

 

I’m doing this for my family and I’m doing this for myself. I’ve been wanting to work on my own for ages but I didn’t have the guts to do so. Now is the chance. If I don’t do this now, I’ll never do it at all. I’ve invested a lot of money to build myself up. I’m not going to waste all that for doing nothing! I’m going to take charge of my own life from now on. I’m going to lead myself to success.

 

What ever the odds are, I will take it on. I pray that God will always give me the strength and the courage to keep moving on. Insya Allah.

  

-This article was published on Wordpress November 11, 2014.

 

Sacrifice, what?

A few years ago, I experienced a very difficult time in my life. I didn’t have a job yet I had so much financial commitments, too heavy a burden for my husband to carry alone. Day by day tension gripped our lives and the situation became worse. I had to borrow lots of money from family and friends just to ensure that the companies didn’t file bankruptcy against me. I became hostile towards my husband because I thought that he was unable to fend for us. When actually it was all my fault. My own doing.

 

When things got better and I was able to manage my financials, all of a sudden I was declared a bankrupt by a hire purchase company because the borrower defaulted his payment. I was the sole guarantor. It was a very frustrating episode. Very frustrating. To think that I had done all I could to avoid being made a bankrupt then suddenly I became one and it was not even my fault! I couldn’t accept it at first. I was frustrated. Angry. Furious! Especially at my husband. I didn’t tell anyone about it because I didn’t want my parents to know. Bankruptcy was a taboo for them. So I kept on praying for Allah to show me the way. To get me (get us) out of the situation. I had two options i.e. to pay a lump sum and clear my name before the other creditors found out OR to pay in monthly instalment for a certain period of time and let the other creditors found out about my status.

 

At that time, our concern was the house. If the bank took it away, where would we live? My main concern was my goodwill. I have all throughout my working life been safeguarding my name against bankruptcy. In that situation, I fought with my husband a lot. It was all about getting the money. Then it hit me that it was all a test. His test. All the things in my life was His. Actually. Including my body and soul. And if my marriage broke up, the satan would be very happy. I shouldn’t have worried about losing the properties. Even the house. Those were not mine anyway. I should put my faith fully in Allah and that He would take care of us.

 

So I told my husband that if we could not find the means to pay in lump sum, we could just pay a minimum amount on monthly basis. I told him that I didn’t care about the house anymore. If it was fated for us to lose the house, so be it.  Even though I have worked so hard to earn that house. I was just willing to let go.

 

I submitted myself to God. I asked for His forgiveness. I asked for His guidance. I asked for His wisdom. Finally, He paved the way for us. He gave my husband a sum of money to pay a lump sum. The whole process was smooth. My name was cleared in no time. I was so grateful for that. So so so grateful! I was also grateful that He had avoided the other creditors from reporting us. So we had to pay only that sum of money owed to the hire purchase company. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

 



Photo credit of Amir Rozaini Ahmad Rani

Yesterday was the day when Muslims around the world celebrated the Eid Ul Adha to honor the willingness of prophet Ibrahim a.s. to sacrifice his own son, Ismail. Not only that, it was also in honor of Ismail who was willing to let himself be slaughtered by his own father, for sake of Allah. In celebrating the day, Muslims would slaughter cows, goats, lambs and such to symbolise the sacrifice made by Ibrahim and Ismail. I embraced this day in remembrance of the experience I’ve had. Though I wasn’t about to lose my life nor the life of my loved ones, it was painful nonetheless. The very thought of losing the house, tainting my good name and being a bankrupt was all too daunting. But once I decided to let them all go, to be accepting, be willing, the difficult situation became easier. The burden was lifted off my shoulders. And Allah helped me settled it.

 

From that day on, I’ve had a new perspective of Eid Ul Adha. It was not about the slaughtering, but it was about the spirit behind the sacrifice. That actually, when one is willing, there is no sacrifice at all.

 

-This article was published on Wordpress October 16, 2013.

 

All in 44 Years

 

44 years ago I was born in a house on 96 Jalan Pekeliling, Kuala Lipis, Pahang. I was the second child of a teacher-couple Ahmad Rani Idris and Ragayah Hj Ismayatim. Since then I’ve had a blessed life. I remember growing up in that house with someone to take care of me, apart from Wan and Tok (my grandma and grandpa). Kak Enab, Wa Zah, Kak Mah, Mak Timah, just to name a few, who would cook and look after my wellbeing. I went to the Clifford Primary School (Sek. Ren. Clifford) til I was 12. Then we moved to Raub where I went to the Methodist Girls School (Primary) and later on to Methodist Girls School (Secondary) til I was 15, where I sat for my SRP (Sijil Rendah Pelajaran) now known as PMR. Then I went to Mahmud School, Raub til I was 17 where I sat for my SPM (Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia).

 

Well, I actually had the opportunity to go to a boarding school after SRP but Mak didn’t let me go. She said the school had water issues. But the truth is, they won’t let me out of their sight. After SPM, I went to Lower Six for a while before I was called to register in ITM Shah Alam. Mak said Abah had to let me go then, for my future’s sake. They were very protective of me. And that sort of made me a rebel.

After college, I was unemployed for about three months. Then I got a job with a shipping company in Port Klang. It was in 1991. Since then, I was away from home til two years ago. I became very independent. In mid 2000, led by a major heartbreak, I moved to Johor where I had no family and only a few friends. That move sort of made my grandpa worried. But I told him it was only temporary. A few months later he passed away. Oh, my grandma passed away long before, when I was still in college. I could still remember my uncle asking me how long will I be staying in Johor and I told him that if I couldn’t find a suitor, I’d be back in two years. Fate has it that I found my suitor and we got married in 2004. I was 35. I gave birth to my daughter when I was 37 and to my son, a year later.

 

Now that I’m 44, I’d like to look back to my whole journey in life and would summarise it as follows:

 

In Kampung Tempoyang, Kuala Lipis, Pahang
At the back was Tok's Beetle

My childhood life was full of fun and tender loving care. I was surrounded by a close knit family to whom I got too attached to, especially my late aunt – Mak Long Zawiyah (arwah). She was like a second mother to me cause I spent a lot of time at her house in Kuala Atok and experienced the kampung (village) life to the fullest. My only friend then (other than friends at school) was my elder brother til he went to boarding school when he was 12.

 

Netball Team, MGS Raub

 

My teenage life was full of energy – activities and sports. I was in to netball and field sports (100m, 200m, 400m, 4x200m, long jump and jogathon); too scared for hockey. I was also in to a lot of performances – poetry, story telling, singing and acting; and I was also on the Bahasa Malaysia debate team, apart from the Puteri Islam and Arts societies. Yup, I was a ‘socialite’ then. Heh. No wonder I turned out to be a tomboy. During my teens, I was a happy-go-lucky brat. Trying so hard to find myself. To try and understand love. But I was lucky that I had a very supportive group of friends. They were at par with me – not too spoiled, not too naughty, not lacking in studies either. I think I owe my well-to-do SRP and SPM results to them!



Jelawang Waterfall, Kuala Krai

My adolescent life was full of confusion. Though it was still a fun and exciting life. I got to experience love and heartbreaks. I got to experience the truth in Islam and understand why I was born to this world. I got to experience having my own money and to prove my own’s worth. Best of all, I got to experience nature by going on jungle trekking expeditions. Basically, I got to do what I had been wanting to do. Only that when I looked back now, I wished that I had known how to save and invest my money. I could’ve been very rich by now!

 

My adult life (and that’s when I reach 40, I guess) was of a dilemma. A life full of responsibilities. At some point I think I’ve turned myself into a grouch. I don’t think I’ve enjoyed being an adult. I was a stylo person, before I got married. I used to have colour-schemed clothes and accessories to go with ‘em. I used to wear high heels and quite fashionable, too. Perhaps due to the dilemma (some said ‘mid-life crisis’) I forgot to take care of myself. I didn’t care what clothes I was wearing and whether they were mis-matched. I wore high heels no more, not even a smack of lipstick. I lost track of my fashion instinct. I gained a lot of weight since I got pregnant and didn’t have the urge to shed them off. Til now.

 

ITM, Shah Alam

I got to experience all sorts of emotions – happiness, craziness, sadness, grievance, depression, etc. The happiest, I think, was when I gave birth to my daughter. She was the best gift I’ve ever got. She was my parents’ first grandchild. And less than a year later I got my son, another great gift. Not only I gave my husband an heir, I gave my parents their first grandson. Due to their attachment to the kids and since I’ve never had the chance to really live in with them, I decided to move back to Bentong some time in 2011. A good start which ended with tears.

My Abah passed away in August 2012, about one and a half years after I moved in.

 

I thought that I had never done enough to take care of him as a daughter. I was too engrossed with my own family life. So I tried to take care of my Mak since then. Now that my Mak has gone to join my Abah in heaven, I became to rethink what my priorities are. I’m a workaholic, you see. All the time my mind is filled with things about work. How to improve this, what should I do next, who should I email to, etc etc etc. I could spend all night doing my work that I’d spend so little time to go over my children’s school work. I know, I’m missing a lot on them. That’s why I said I became to rethink what my priorities are.

 

Looking back, I know I’ve always been blessed with all the good things in life. I’ve never experienced hunger, though at times I did fall short of cash. I’ve never experienced not having a roof over my head. Now I’ve got what I’ve dreamed of having years ago. I’ve got my own house, a good husband, two great kids and a good job. My working life has given me a lot of opportunities to learn from others in various aspects. I owe it to my Abah for instilling the ‘hunger for knowledge’ in me through reading and learning. So I’ve acquired a lot of knowledge throughout. I was also fortunate that throughout those years, I had good people as my superiors. And I learned a lot from them, too. They were my teachers in working life.

 

All in all, the past 44 years have given me so much wealth in knowledge and experience that I wouldn’t trade them for anything else. I may not live for another 44 years! Knowing that my adult life was not as interesting, I think I had to search for that happy-go-lucky gal again. I may not go to the extent of being as crazy as I was then (though it was a great thing, being crazy). Who knows..the next chapters of my life would be more interesting and meaningful.

 



My Future



 

 

-This article was published on Wordpress September 21, 2013