I have been thinking about this for a few days now. I feel the need to send this message out to the world.
At first, I wanted to make a video of it. But I don't want people to be mistaken belief that I am still thinking of my past.
That's not the intention why I'm writing this.
I have a VERY SERIOUS message to send out. Please bear with me.
Heartbreaks seem like a usual growing up and life process. I'm sure, 9 out of 10 of you have experienced this at some point in your life. And you know how it feels.
I cannot take it when people say "move on" or "forget her/him" to someone who had just experienced a heartbreak.
Get this, people: IT'S NOT JUST A FREAKING HEARTBREAK!
This is not a drama that we get to see on TV. This is for real. Heartbreaks are the evil of all dark emotions.
A simple heartbreak can cause the life of a person. Trust me, I know.
You see, heartbreaks can lead to a lot of limiting beliefs and dark emotions. Apart from feeling frustrated, these are some of the deeper emotions that someone who has suffered a heartbreak can feel:
1. FEAR - heartbreaks lead to fear of losing someone whom we love, fear of being rejected, fear of being left alone, fear of not being wanted and fear of trusting someone else.
2. LOW SELF-ESTEEM - heartbreaks caused someone to have a low self-esteem. They felt that they were not good enough and that's why the person whom they loved, left them. Having such low self-esteem can even cause that person to become anti-social, they will shut themselves out from the world, they can become hermits.
3. ANGER - heartbreaks can turn someone into a grouch who in turn will cause him/her to experience anger management issue. He/she can't be angry at the person whom have left them, because they love that person very much. So they vent their anger at the rest of the world.
4. SADNESS - someone who suffered a heartbreak is as sad as someone whose loved ones died. They suffer the feeling of loss. Their sadness is beyond words.
5. GUILT - the feeling of guilt would arise when they think that they have cause the person to leave them. Probably something that they have said or do or didn't say and didn't do.
6. REGRET - especially when he/she has spent a lot of time and effort to be with that person whom he/she loved. Deeper regret is felt when the relationship that they had was supposed to bring them to the altar (dais). They would live with such remorseful feeling for as long as they could.
7. DESPONDENT / DEJECTED - someone who experienced this feeling after a heartbreak can make them feel depressed. They will give up hope, give up the will to live and give up the need to be happy again.
8. VINDICTIVE - having the vengeance against the person who hurt them, is normal, so to speak. But the darkest form of vengeance is when they let it out on others. They will break other people's heart carelessly or even cause other relationships to break, just to satisfy their own vindictive feeling.
Some people would have all these feelings mixed together. Unknowingly, they would carry on with these feelings even when they have found another love.
To those fortunate, they would snap out of these dark emotions and continue living. However, to some unfortunate ones, these feelings would lead to depression. Depression would lead to suicidal thoughts and if left untreated, these suicidal thoughts could cause them their lives.
You see, it's not "just another heartbreak".
IN ALL EARNEST, IN ALL SINCERITY AND IN THE NAME OF HUMANITY, I BEG OF YOU...HUSBANDS, WIVES, BOYFRIENDS, GIRLFRIENDS, LOVERS...TO PLEASE... PLEASE... PLEASE.... PLEASE.... BE COMPASSIONATE WHEN YOU WANT TO BREAK SOMEONE'S HEART.
IF YOU REALLY HAVE TO DO IT, PLEASE HAVE THE COURAGE TO FACE THAT PERSON AND TELL THEM NICELY. MAN UP! MOST IMPORTANTLY, APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING TO DO THAT TO THEM.
DON'T TREAT THEM LIKE SHIT. DON'T JUST DUMP THEM LIKE THEY DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU. DON'T TREAT THEM LIKE THEY HAVE NO FEELINGS.
I BEG OF YOU.
PLEASE....
P/S: Kindly share this message. I'd appreciate it very much.
Regards,
ZADE
Sunday, 18 November 2018
Monday, 12 November 2018
Holding on to the Past
Sometimes I wonder, what makes me always thinking of the past. Why, at some point, I still couldn't move on.
Someone made me realize that I have been harping on the past and keep on thinking about it. She suggested that I should let it go. I've been holding on to the past for so long. I know it's dragging me down. I'm not happy.
There are things that I couldn't let go. I'm afraid if I do, I will lose the memory. Good or bad. As if the memories are the only things that can keep me going, moving ahead. When in fact, they are just dragging me back.
I'm not moving. Not progressing at all. Even when there are 'some' development. Actually, there's nothing much. Frankly. And sadly.
As I sit and type this, all those memories, all those feelings, came flooding back. However, this time I'm making them conscious. I want to see and feel them. I want to know how it really feels at its darkest moment.
Fear. That's what I'm feeling after the deaths of my parents and my elder brother. It came in the form of sadness. Disguised itself so that I couldn't realize it for what it actually was.
Guilt. That's what I felt after my elder brother passed on. I felt guilty because I wasn't able to do the best that I should, for him, when he needed me. Guilt because I knew I should have done more. However, the fear that I felt kept me away from him.
Self-pity. I've had this for the longest time. I think probably it went back to my teenage years. Or probably since I was a young child. Pity myself for not having the love and attention that I wanted. This is the deepest feeling that I have ever felt. One which even my alter ego wouldn't confessed of having.
Self-pity was also the reason why I feel dejected all these while. The reason why I had the suicidal thoughts not too long ago. The reason why I refused to let go of the past. By far, I think this is the cruellest form of a dark feeling.
At some point, I knew these were the reason why I kept on changing my lifestyle and my needs. I didn't actually know what I want until I realised these were the darkest secret that my own being have been keeping from me.
Now that I know, I need to deal with them. Once and for all!
Someone made me realize that I have been harping on the past and keep on thinking about it. She suggested that I should let it go. I've been holding on to the past for so long. I know it's dragging me down. I'm not happy.
There are things that I couldn't let go. I'm afraid if I do, I will lose the memory. Good or bad. As if the memories are the only things that can keep me going, moving ahead. When in fact, they are just dragging me back.
I'm not moving. Not progressing at all. Even when there are 'some' development. Actually, there's nothing much. Frankly. And sadly.
As I sit and type this, all those memories, all those feelings, came flooding back. However, this time I'm making them conscious. I want to see and feel them. I want to know how it really feels at its darkest moment.
Fear. That's what I'm feeling after the deaths of my parents and my elder brother. It came in the form of sadness. Disguised itself so that I couldn't realize it for what it actually was.
Guilt. That's what I felt after my elder brother passed on. I felt guilty because I wasn't able to do the best that I should, for him, when he needed me. Guilt because I knew I should have done more. However, the fear that I felt kept me away from him.
Self-pity. I've had this for the longest time. I think probably it went back to my teenage years. Or probably since I was a young child. Pity myself for not having the love and attention that I wanted. This is the deepest feeling that I have ever felt. One which even my alter ego wouldn't confessed of having.
Self-pity was also the reason why I feel dejected all these while. The reason why I had the suicidal thoughts not too long ago. The reason why I refused to let go of the past. By far, I think this is the cruellest form of a dark feeling.
At some point, I knew these were the reason why I kept on changing my lifestyle and my needs. I didn't actually know what I want until I realised these were the darkest secret that my own being have been keeping from me.
Now that I know, I need to deal with them. Once and for all!
Saturday, 4 August 2018
Writer for Hire
What's next? I wondered.
Once I made the decision to quit working, I knew that I'll be facing the same issue as I did back in 2010 and 2015. That my husband will be the sole breadwinner of the family and we need to be prudent in our spending.
While he has no objection to my quitting, I think deep down in his heart, he must be worried about our expenses and liabilities. His is not ours alone. He has his family to take care of, too.
So I've been doing a lot of thinking. I need to do something to get some income. And I need to do something that I can do from home or wherever, without being stuck to the 9-5 routine.
The only skill I have is writing. I think, that's the only thing I know and good at. Even after all these years working.
And I need to expand my knowledge that I've gained in GBI, TTT and EWTC into something for the future generation. Probably a talking gig...a book...articles of sort. I don't know. Anything that I can explore upon.
I'm in the midst of writing a book. My first book. If God's willing. But I'm not hoping for this book to become best seller or to give me loads of royalties. My intention was just to come out with my first book.
For the income, I thought of being a Writer for Hire. Ghostwriter. Copywriter. Proofreader. Someone whom others could seek for help with, when they need something to be written. Though I have never done that, I know it is something that I can learn. I mean, I am a fast learner!
I am feeling very uncomfortable right now. Lots of things I need to adjust with this new life. I need to be more discipline in terms of time. I need to focus on learning the new skill, I need to read a lot. At the same time, I need to also focus on my studies.
I have an assignment coming up for my MBA. Then there's a proposal for the Management Research Challenge that I need to work on. Last but not least, there's the Personal Development assignment I need to also work on, by end of this year.
Wow! Lots of things on my hands, it seems.
I hope I won't get overwhelmed again.
Once I made the decision to quit working, I knew that I'll be facing the same issue as I did back in 2010 and 2015. That my husband will be the sole breadwinner of the family and we need to be prudent in our spending.
While he has no objection to my quitting, I think deep down in his heart, he must be worried about our expenses and liabilities. His is not ours alone. He has his family to take care of, too.
So I've been doing a lot of thinking. I need to do something to get some income. And I need to do something that I can do from home or wherever, without being stuck to the 9-5 routine.
The only skill I have is writing. I think, that's the only thing I know and good at. Even after all these years working.
And I need to expand my knowledge that I've gained in GBI, TTT and EWTC into something for the future generation. Probably a talking gig...a book...articles of sort. I don't know. Anything that I can explore upon.
I'm in the midst of writing a book. My first book. If God's willing. But I'm not hoping for this book to become best seller or to give me loads of royalties. My intention was just to come out with my first book.
For the income, I thought of being a Writer for Hire. Ghostwriter. Copywriter. Proofreader. Someone whom others could seek for help with, when they need something to be written. Though I have never done that, I know it is something that I can learn. I mean, I am a fast learner!
I am feeling very uncomfortable right now. Lots of things I need to adjust with this new life. I need to be more discipline in terms of time. I need to focus on learning the new skill, I need to read a lot. At the same time, I need to also focus on my studies.
I have an assignment coming up for my MBA. Then there's a proposal for the Management Research Challenge that I need to work on. Last but not least, there's the Personal Development assignment I need to also work on, by end of this year.
Wow! Lots of things on my hands, it seems.
I hope I won't get overwhelmed again.
Tuesday, 31 July 2018
Another Stop
I've resigned from my job on 29 July 2018.
I made the decision in April after I've thought long and hard about it. When I sent the resignation notice to my boss, I gave my health condition and my kids as the main reason why I wanted to quit. No, I did not discuss about it with him before I sent the notice out. But I did discuss with my previous boss.
I found that once I've made that decision in my mind (prior to sending out the notice) it was difficult to retract.
I've since thought about the actual reason why I wanted to leave. I mean, it was a high-paying job and I was working in the line of transport which I have always wanted. Leaving the job means that we will go back to 2010 and 2015 when my husband became the sole breadwinner of the family. I know that when I leave, we will not have the luxury and comfort of things and expenditure like we used to have.
At the end of 2014, I left the same organisation, with whom I've worked with in KL for almost 4 years. Since my Mom passed away in 2013, it was very difficult for me to pick up the pieces. Her death has shattered my life and broke my soul. The only way I could deal with it was to get out from the house and move back to JB. And we did.
So in 2015, I wasn't working. I attended to my family, especially my school-going kids. By end of the year we started having financial difficulty. I still had two personal loans to serve and the housing loan to pay. My husband couldn't help me with the personal loans and the banks were chasing me like crazy.
Fate has it that the same organisation opened up an office in JB. So I tried my luck. It wasn't smooth. In the end, I was accepted and started working in May 2016. I was tasked to oversee the offices in JB and Malacca.
I thought that with the office in JB, my life would be so much easier. Commuting from home to office took only about 20 minutes or so. Unlike previously when it took me nearly 2 hours, just one way. By 6pm I would already be at home. The best thing is, my workday was the same as the school day. Meaning that I had my weekend on Friday and Saturday. So there was no issue with the kids.
Unfortunately, my elder brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer back in Sept 2016. So I need to attend to him for his chemotherapy, almost every weekend. I'd take the bus on Thursday night and come back on Sunday morning, straight to the office. Sometimes I spent the night at the hospital with him. Sometimes, instead of taking the bus I'd drive.
Eventually, he passed away in March 2017. Another sad episode of my life.
Since his passing, I became ill. I started having flu in early January, after I came back from London in Dec 2016. I guess the climate change took a toll on my poor health. Ever since, I didn't seem to recover. The flu came and went.
On top of that, I think my brother's passing took some more pieces of me away. Him and me, we were only 11 months apart. I loved him dearly, even though we were not very close. Until he became sick. The realization that I now have no father, mother and elder brother is very sad. I have nobody to turn to.
My grieving period wasn't that long, surprisingly. I was soon caught up with work. it became intense. I had to travel JB-KL almost every alternate week. Coincidentally, the driver got involved in an auto accident and was on medical leave for the whole year! So more often than not I had to drive my own car or take the midnight bus.
I think being exposed to the air-condition at night, being exhausted physically and mentally, made me even sick. In August 2017, I was diagnosed with Cough Variant Asthma, a rare form of asthma. I'd have asthma attacks especially early in the morning.
I tried my best to carry out my duties. However, in early 2018 I started thinking about my life's purpose. I started thinking about my priorities. I started thinking about myself. I started thinking about my future.
The job, even though lucrative and interesting, didn't actually add any value to my personal development. It wasn't anything new, except for the surrounding. The bureaucracies and some issues with internal as well as external parties were making me more frustrated and demotivated. Deep within those thoughts, I came to realize that I was doing all these not for myself but for others. That's why I wasn't happy.
So I decided to quit.
What motivated me to send in the notice was the fact that having been sick all the time, I wasn't really in the office most of the time and had to rely on my officers. Which to me, didn't do any justice to them. It didn't do any justice to me as well, when I had to monitor them and read / reply to emails from home when I was on medical leave!
Then there was my kids.
Their exam results were not at all encouraging since early in the year. Probably because I wasn't around that much to closely monitor them (at times I had to work outstation for 2 - 3 days. Once, I was away for 5 days). So they didn't care very much to study.
My daughter will be sitting for an important exam end of September. Therefore, I thought if I tendered my resignation by end of April and served a 3-months' notice, my last day will be at the end of July. So I'd have approximately two months to work with her on her studies.
I know that the decision was based purely on emotion. It was something that I felt I had to do. For whatever reason, I just had to resign. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to move forward. This time, I did it for me. This is for my future.
May God The AlMighty bless my intentions.
I made the decision in April after I've thought long and hard about it. When I sent the resignation notice to my boss, I gave my health condition and my kids as the main reason why I wanted to quit. No, I did not discuss about it with him before I sent the notice out. But I did discuss with my previous boss.
I found that once I've made that decision in my mind (prior to sending out the notice) it was difficult to retract.
I've since thought about the actual reason why I wanted to leave. I mean, it was a high-paying job and I was working in the line of transport which I have always wanted. Leaving the job means that we will go back to 2010 and 2015 when my husband became the sole breadwinner of the family. I know that when I leave, we will not have the luxury and comfort of things and expenditure like we used to have.
At the end of 2014, I left the same organisation, with whom I've worked with in KL for almost 4 years. Since my Mom passed away in 2013, it was very difficult for me to pick up the pieces. Her death has shattered my life and broke my soul. The only way I could deal with it was to get out from the house and move back to JB. And we did.
So in 2015, I wasn't working. I attended to my family, especially my school-going kids. By end of the year we started having financial difficulty. I still had two personal loans to serve and the housing loan to pay. My husband couldn't help me with the personal loans and the banks were chasing me like crazy.
Fate has it that the same organisation opened up an office in JB. So I tried my luck. It wasn't smooth. In the end, I was accepted and started working in May 2016. I was tasked to oversee the offices in JB and Malacca.
I thought that with the office in JB, my life would be so much easier. Commuting from home to office took only about 20 minutes or so. Unlike previously when it took me nearly 2 hours, just one way. By 6pm I would already be at home. The best thing is, my workday was the same as the school day. Meaning that I had my weekend on Friday and Saturday. So there was no issue with the kids.
Unfortunately, my elder brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer back in Sept 2016. So I need to attend to him for his chemotherapy, almost every weekend. I'd take the bus on Thursday night and come back on Sunday morning, straight to the office. Sometimes I spent the night at the hospital with him. Sometimes, instead of taking the bus I'd drive.
Eventually, he passed away in March 2017. Another sad episode of my life.
Since his passing, I became ill. I started having flu in early January, after I came back from London in Dec 2016. I guess the climate change took a toll on my poor health. Ever since, I didn't seem to recover. The flu came and went.
On top of that, I think my brother's passing took some more pieces of me away. Him and me, we were only 11 months apart. I loved him dearly, even though we were not very close. Until he became sick. The realization that I now have no father, mother and elder brother is very sad. I have nobody to turn to.
My grieving period wasn't that long, surprisingly. I was soon caught up with work. it became intense. I had to travel JB-KL almost every alternate week. Coincidentally, the driver got involved in an auto accident and was on medical leave for the whole year! So more often than not I had to drive my own car or take the midnight bus.
I think being exposed to the air-condition at night, being exhausted physically and mentally, made me even sick. In August 2017, I was diagnosed with Cough Variant Asthma, a rare form of asthma. I'd have asthma attacks especially early in the morning.
I tried my best to carry out my duties. However, in early 2018 I started thinking about my life's purpose. I started thinking about my priorities. I started thinking about myself. I started thinking about my future.
The job, even though lucrative and interesting, didn't actually add any value to my personal development. It wasn't anything new, except for the surrounding. The bureaucracies and some issues with internal as well as external parties were making me more frustrated and demotivated. Deep within those thoughts, I came to realize that I was doing all these not for myself but for others. That's why I wasn't happy.
So I decided to quit.
What motivated me to send in the notice was the fact that having been sick all the time, I wasn't really in the office most of the time and had to rely on my officers. Which to me, didn't do any justice to them. It didn't do any justice to me as well, when I had to monitor them and read / reply to emails from home when I was on medical leave!
Then there was my kids.
Their exam results were not at all encouraging since early in the year. Probably because I wasn't around that much to closely monitor them (at times I had to work outstation for 2 - 3 days. Once, I was away for 5 days). So they didn't care very much to study.
My daughter will be sitting for an important exam end of September. Therefore, I thought if I tendered my resignation by end of April and served a 3-months' notice, my last day will be at the end of July. So I'd have approximately two months to work with her on her studies.
I know that the decision was based purely on emotion. It was something that I felt I had to do. For whatever reason, I just had to resign. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to move forward. This time, I did it for me. This is for my future.
May God The AlMighty bless my intentions.
Wednesday, 21 March 2018
Oh, my poor girl!
My daughter bought a scrap book that costs about RM22.00 earlier today. She told me that she wanted to work on a 'project' for my upcoming Anniversary. She wanted to make an album of me and my husband.
When we arrived home, she immediately went to scour the photo albums looking for photos that she'd put in the scrapbook. She found a hands' full of photos and came to my room to scan them. In colour! I looked through the photos, rejected a few and finally I nagged at her for being so engrossed with this 'project' while not doing anything when I asked her to study. I told her that while she refused to do what I have asked her to do, now she is asking me to do something there and then. So I asked her to put the photos on my table and that I will "scan them when I'm free".
I told her that I appreciate what she was trying to do but all I want from her was to study. She slowly picked up the photos and left the room. I called her back, asked her to give me the photos. She said that she's not going to do it anymore. She'll just make me a card.
Awwww....!!! Now doesn't that sound so saddddd??? What have I done?!
I've turned into my parents!
I've shot dead my daughter's enthusiasm tonight. Why...oh why...did I do just that?
I could've handled the situation in a much better way. Instead, I unconsciously turn myself into my late Mom (sorry Mak!) and nagged at her. I should've encouraged her!
Oh...I need some coaxing to do. My poor girl!
When we arrived home, she immediately went to scour the photo albums looking for photos that she'd put in the scrapbook. She found a hands' full of photos and came to my room to scan them. In colour! I looked through the photos, rejected a few and finally I nagged at her for being so engrossed with this 'project' while not doing anything when I asked her to study. I told her that while she refused to do what I have asked her to do, now she is asking me to do something there and then. So I asked her to put the photos on my table and that I will "scan them when I'm free".
I told her that I appreciate what she was trying to do but all I want from her was to study. She slowly picked up the photos and left the room. I called her back, asked her to give me the photos. She said that she's not going to do it anymore. She'll just make me a card.
Awwww....!!! Now doesn't that sound so saddddd??? What have I done?!
I've turned into my parents!
I've shot dead my daughter's enthusiasm tonight. Why...oh why...did I do just that?
I could've handled the situation in a much better way. Instead, I unconsciously turn myself into my late Mom (sorry Mak!) and nagged at her. I should've encouraged her!
Oh...I need some coaxing to do. My poor girl!
Monday, 26 February 2018
Time
People come and go in our lives. Some will come back and some don't. Some will leave a big void in our hearts, longing for their return. Wanting so much to see them again, to hug and to kiss or just to talk to them. But that's not possible. So we have to deal with it.
We have to manage the fact. Even if they come back, things may not be the same anymore.
They are not ours to keep. No matter how painful and heartbreaking it is, we still have to deal with it. Sooner or later, may time heals the pain and fills the void.
Me for one, have been praying for God to make this pain go away yet I'm still feeling it. I'm still longing for the one who is lost. Though I know that I'm just another leaf in the clover or another fraction of a memory. How sad...How sad indeed.
And to pretend that all is okay makes it more difficult and painful.
Frustration
I just came back from a 5 days' travel outstation. Found out that my kids have not done their exercises and didn't focus on their studies. My son, on the other hand, went for a competition and I had to miss it. I have tried, in all might, to attend every programs and to be there where their school matters. My husband is working on shift, so he couldn't be there as well.
I couldn't help but feel frustrated with myself. I am supposed to be there for my son, to support him morally and I know he would have loved it. I feel frustrated with my daughter because she couldn't sustain herself when I am not around. And she is having an important exam by end of the year. Not that I impose strongly on her that she must obtain straight As in the exam, I just don't want her to be left out.
I'm not putting the blame on myself either, because I know we can't afford to have only one breadwinner in the household. I'm just thinking if there is another way out...
So I need to justify what are the most important things in my life right now. Money and position are not part of it. That's for sure.
I couldn't help but feel frustrated with myself. I am supposed to be there for my son, to support him morally and I know he would have loved it. I feel frustrated with my daughter because she couldn't sustain herself when I am not around. And she is having an important exam by end of the year. Not that I impose strongly on her that she must obtain straight As in the exam, I just don't want her to be left out.
I'm not putting the blame on myself either, because I know we can't afford to have only one breadwinner in the household. I'm just thinking if there is another way out...
So I need to justify what are the most important things in my life right now. Money and position are not part of it. That's for sure.
Confused
More often than not, I will get confused between what I want and what I am supposed to be doing. For example, I want to do something for myself like travel the world. But at the same time I need to be here to take care of my kids and my family. Most importantly, I need to work so that I will get the income for our sustenance.
After reading other successful people's Blogs, FB postings and Instagrams, I realised that in order to be happy and being satisfied with my life, I have to go after my dreams. Meaning that I need to forgo whatever that I am doing now and go after my dreams. And I need to do that now, or never.
So at times, I get confused. Or probably that's my mindfrick working their tricks on my mind. I don't know. Probably they are.
Currently, I'm trying to think how best can I get out of this dilemma. Of course, one way or the other, there will be things that I have to let go. I will gain some and lose some. And I have to be prepared.
I've been through the same back in 2010 and the results were not as expected. It was terrible. The decision I made then have turned my life and my family, upside down. I don't want the same to be repeated. So I may have to take more time in thinking about it and taking the necessary steps to ensure everything will be taken care of, when I finally made my decision.
I have faith in God who Knows what is best for me and I have faith that He will answer my calling and provide the proper guidance to my worries.
After reading other successful people's Blogs, FB postings and Instagrams, I realised that in order to be happy and being satisfied with my life, I have to go after my dreams. Meaning that I need to forgo whatever that I am doing now and go after my dreams. And I need to do that now, or never.
So at times, I get confused. Or probably that's my mindfrick working their tricks on my mind. I don't know. Probably they are.
Currently, I'm trying to think how best can I get out of this dilemma. Of course, one way or the other, there will be things that I have to let go. I will gain some and lose some. And I have to be prepared.
I've been through the same back in 2010 and the results were not as expected. It was terrible. The decision I made then have turned my life and my family, upside down. I don't want the same to be repeated. So I may have to take more time in thinking about it and taking the necessary steps to ensure everything will be taken care of, when I finally made my decision.
I have faith in God who Knows what is best for me and I have faith that He will answer my calling and provide the proper guidance to my worries.
Wednesday, 14 February 2018
Overwhelmed
Sometimes, I want to do so many things at the same time that I got overwhelmed. I have only a few hours in the evening, after work, to get things done at personal front. On weekdays I have between 7pm to 11pm and most of the time 7pm to 9pm would be filled with kids...kids...kids... That's the time when we would have dinner and to cram a bit of time for their studies.
From 9pm to 11pm is my me-time. That's when I got overwhelmed with the amount of knowledge I want to acquire, books to read, assignments to complete and sources to search. At times it makes me confused and I ended up doing nothing! Haha. Such an excuse, eh?
I need to be more attentive towards keeping to my time management or else I will lose a lot of opportunity in making the most out of the time I have.
From 9pm to 11pm is my me-time. That's when I got overwhelmed with the amount of knowledge I want to acquire, books to read, assignments to complete and sources to search. At times it makes me confused and I ended up doing nothing! Haha. Such an excuse, eh?
I need to be more attentive towards keeping to my time management or else I will lose a lot of opportunity in making the most out of the time I have.
Is It Worth It?
Early in the year I have set some targets to achieve. The first that I have achieved is getting certified as a NLP Practitioner. In addition, I've also been certified as a Time Line Theraphy(TM) practitioner. It was indeed a great experience and the best thing is, I did it on my own accord. Of course, I wouldn't have done it without the support of my husband and my kids. I practically had to leave them at home for three weekends in a row!
In the weeks that follow, I had to travel up and down and couldn't be home most of the time. Even when I'm home, I have to focus on my studies. As such that I am neglecting my kids and their studies. I know that they need someone to look over when they are doing their homework or exercise. Otherwise, they will play truant or not doing any exercise at all. And Kakak, my daughter, is sitting for her UPSR (Year 6 exams).
Most of the time I feel guilty for not being there for them. And that got me to thinking...is it all worth it?
I mean yeah...the money is good and it provides for all our needs. In trade of my time spent with them and my attention. Which is more important to me? It's my family, of course. But I can't be everywhere at the same time and do everything at the same time. And my heart is always at home, with them.
So I have to keep on searching and keep on looking out for opportunities where I can generate income while not affecting my time with and attention for my family. After all, I am still the wife and mother.
In the weeks that follow, I had to travel up and down and couldn't be home most of the time. Even when I'm home, I have to focus on my studies. As such that I am neglecting my kids and their studies. I know that they need someone to look over when they are doing their homework or exercise. Otherwise, they will play truant or not doing any exercise at all. And Kakak, my daughter, is sitting for her UPSR (Year 6 exams).
Most of the time I feel guilty for not being there for them. And that got me to thinking...is it all worth it?
I mean yeah...the money is good and it provides for all our needs. In trade of my time spent with them and my attention. Which is more important to me? It's my family, of course. But I can't be everywhere at the same time and do everything at the same time. And my heart is always at home, with them.
So I have to keep on searching and keep on looking out for opportunities where I can generate income while not affecting my time with and attention for my family. After all, I am still the wife and mother.
Wednesday, 17 January 2018
A New Year Has Begun
Hey, it's 2018! And we are already in the mid of January...how time flies.
I'm writing to reflect on how 2017 was and how 2018 has been treating me so far.
Well, 2017 ended subtly.
Looking back, I'd say that it was generally a good year despite the fact that I've lost my dear brother to the Big C. Probably, realising the fact that he passed on in a good way and towards a much better place gave my heart some assurance that all is not lost after all. Probably also, because of the healing my friend did on me that made it easier to let go of my grieve. Sadness still lurks around sometimes.
Just before 2017 ended, I've made up my mind not to have any New Year Resolutions this time around. Instead, I have listed down the things that I want to focus on, this year. Here they are:
1. Going for NLP Practitioner Certification.
2. Completing my Stage 2 MBA.
3. Spend time with my kids, going through their studies. Especially Kakak, because she'll be sitting for her UPSR (Year 6 exams) end of the year.
4. To complete the book for my kids and launch it by July 2018.
5. Focus on my speaking programs.
6. Improve my health through healthier diet and exercise.
I think I am wiser than I was to maintain my focus this year so that I will achieve all the above successfully.
I am, after all, a WARRIOR and warriors go through the Finish Line, warriors take action in spite of fear and mood.
So, here's to a great and fulfilling year!The year of New Beginning!
I'm writing to reflect on how 2017 was and how 2018 has been treating me so far.
Well, 2017 ended subtly.
Looking back, I'd say that it was generally a good year despite the fact that I've lost my dear brother to the Big C. Probably, realising the fact that he passed on in a good way and towards a much better place gave my heart some assurance that all is not lost after all. Probably also, because of the healing my friend did on me that made it easier to let go of my grieve. Sadness still lurks around sometimes.
Just before 2017 ended, I've made up my mind not to have any New Year Resolutions this time around. Instead, I have listed down the things that I want to focus on, this year. Here they are:
1. Going for NLP Practitioner Certification.
2. Completing my Stage 2 MBA.
3. Spend time with my kids, going through their studies. Especially Kakak, because she'll be sitting for her UPSR (Year 6 exams) end of the year.
4. To complete the book for my kids and launch it by July 2018.
5. Focus on my speaking programs.
6. Improve my health through healthier diet and exercise.
I think I am wiser than I was to maintain my focus this year so that I will achieve all the above successfully.
I am, after all, a WARRIOR and warriors go through the Finish Line, warriors take action in spite of fear and mood.
So, here's to a great and fulfilling year!The year of New Beginning!
Sunday, 17 December 2017
Taking Things for Granted
As the manager / head of department, sometimes we take things for granted because we know our subordinates will do the job for us. So we skip the details. Sometimes we don't even read correspondences and reports. All we do when we receive them was to forward the correspondences and reports to the subordinates and let them deal with all the information. We wait only for the summary.
Sometimes we take it for granted that the staff knows what he is doing, when actually he doesn't. We take it for granted that the staff likes what he is doing, when actually he is not interested at all. We take it for granted that the staff is healthy and well, when actually he was struggling with health issues.
At times, we take it for granted that all our subordinates were trustworthy so we didn't check on what they were doing, even when they were dealing with cash. Delegate, by all means. But don't just let it go 100%. As the head of department, we are still responsible for what the staff does and we are accountable for their actions. Donald Trump wrote this in his book Dream Big and Kick Ass in Business and Life : "Employ the best people, but watch them like a hawk".
As a subordinate, we should not take things for granted just because we have the head of department to 'protect' us. We are at work, we are supposed to be able to work independently with minimal supervision. We are not reporting to teachers like we are in school or reporting to professors at the Universities. We are supposed to have the initiative to make things happen, not to just wait and see; not even to ignore what is going on around us.
We should not take things for granted by thinking that the head of department is doing lesser job, so he should have all the time to check on the documents that we have submitted or to follow through on what we were supposed to do.
But some people take these things for granted. For example, when asked to prepare the minutes of meeting, they would do it just because they were asked to. Not because they thought the minutes of meeting is an important document that could be used as a point of reference in the future. Not even because they thought they could learn something from the meeting or even learning how to improve their writing skills or written language while doing the minutes. Important points were not captured, grammar wasn't checked, spelling wasn't correct and at times even the formatting was wrong. Probably because they thought someone would surely check on it (or someone won't!).
At times I would get a simple "I'm not sure" response when asked about a particular information. There wasn't even a glint of effort to tell me that they will at least try to get the information. The least they could do was to say "Let me check on the details and get back to you". It makes a lot of difference. To me the former just shows that they were taking things for granted and they didn't even know what was going on.
People who take things for granted probably think they are indispensable from the company. Probably they are already in their comfort zone and so they thought there is no need to work harder or to know more because what they are having now is good enough. Probably they think if they know more, their responsibilities will be greater and they don't want additional responsibilities. They just want to be where they are. They didn't realise that 'employability' or 'marketability' of a person depends on how resourceful they are. The less resourceful they are, the lesser their 'employability' and 'marketability'.
Lest we forget, nobody is indispensable.
If heads of departments take things for granted and leave it all to the subordinates, you will have problem when your subordinates fall ill or on leave. Worse, if they leave the company, taking their knowledge (and their skills) with them!
If subordinates take things for granted that the head of departments would be there to answer on their behalf or even to 'protect' them, they are in for trouble when there is restructuring in the organisation or when there is a shift in leadership. Worse, if they are asked to leave the company. Where would they go? What would they do? What value have they gained for themselves in order to increase their 'employability' and 'marketability' ?
So lets not take things for granted at the work place. Take responsibility on what we are doing. Own it.
Tuesday, 28 November 2017
Whirpool
This one week has been like a whirlpool for me. I don't even have time to listen to my what I'm thinking. Too busy. Mostly with the preparations for my Exams. At the same time, I could still feel 'empty' and lonely even when I'm in a crowded place. My mind is occupied. But with only one thing - the Exams.
Now, why am I so concerned? The lecturers said it doesn't matter how much we score because by end of the day we will still get the MBA. But how can I just sit back and relax when my other team members are studying like crazy? Huh?
The marks do matter, actually. The results I got for my Financial Resources and Managing People assignments were not that good. I need at least 50% marks for each from the Exams in order to get a "Pass". Otherwise I will have to resit the papers next year. Not something I am looking forward to. So might as well I study hard now.
This MBA matters much to me in my quest for self-actualisation. I don't know what I would do once I get over this (in another TWO years). I don't know if I would ever GET over it. As the saying goes "just go with the flow". Deep down in my heart I know that this is something that I need to do. I just know it. It's a "Now or Never" kind of thing. In that sense, no matter how difficult, no matter how hard and no matter how challenging the path is, I will make sure to thread through it with grace.
I stand guided by the knowledge and guidance given to me by the AlMighty. For He is the only One Who Knoweth all.
Now, why am I so concerned? The lecturers said it doesn't matter how much we score because by end of the day we will still get the MBA. But how can I just sit back and relax when my other team members are studying like crazy? Huh?
The marks do matter, actually. The results I got for my Financial Resources and Managing People assignments were not that good. I need at least 50% marks for each from the Exams in order to get a "Pass". Otherwise I will have to resit the papers next year. Not something I am looking forward to. So might as well I study hard now.
This MBA matters much to me in my quest for self-actualisation. I don't know what I would do once I get over this (in another TWO years). I don't know if I would ever GET over it. As the saying goes "just go with the flow". Deep down in my heart I know that this is something that I need to do. I just know it. It's a "Now or Never" kind of thing. In that sense, no matter how difficult, no matter how hard and no matter how challenging the path is, I will make sure to thread through it with grace.
I stand guided by the knowledge and guidance given to me by the AlMighty. For He is the only One Who Knoweth all.
Saturday, 25 November 2017
Reflection #03
Been a while. Yes. I have been struggling with my health for the past three months. Now I'm feeling fine. Still recuperating. Still managing the asthma. Getting to the pink of health. Insya Allah. Slowly but surely.
I watched a video by Robert Riopel earlier today, in his Fan Page. That video brought me back to home. He reminded me of what I am supposed to be doing and WHY I'm doing it. Yes, one of the reasons why people failed in life is because they don't know what they are after. So how could they succeed if they don't even know what to achieve? True or true? Same here with me.
Engulfed with self-pity from the heartbreaks of many many years ago, added with the deep grieve I felt after my parents were gone and then my elder brother, I came to realise that I have actually neglected myself for so long. I have become a victim without me knowing it. Or probably I do but I chose to ignore. One of the things that I know I know and I chose not to know.
This realisation...this sudden awareness, I think has something to do with the healing that my friend Lina Masrina did on me when she came to visit not too long ago. I think the healing has cleared the path for my self-pity to finally find its way out and roam free. Because from that day onwards, as though in trance, I felt at ease and in peace with myself. I began to be AWARE. I began to think what I think and feel what I feel. The most recent heartbreak, though I have been carrying with me for the past 18 or so years, have disappeared into thin air. I could still remember but no longer do I feel the pain. I could finally FORGIVE myself and let go. Really, really let go.
Amazing, isn't it? How a 30-minutes healing could make a 26 years of inner pain, suffering and self-pity dissolved into thin air and purify the soul? That, was indeed a purification for me.
Since then on, everyday my senses seem to be awake. Like I have just got out from a coma. To my amazement, most of the time things that I've been thinking would physically appear. For example if I've been thinking of a certain words of wisdom, in an instance I would be reading the same in a book. It all started only recently.
When I bought the book, The Way of Achievers written by a warrior-friend, Maitha al-Shamsi. I had just been planning and writing down the scopes of the book for my kids. Something that I have actually planned for many years and did nothing. In her book, Maitha wrote exactly what I need to do in order to make sure the book is written!
Robert, on the other hand, spoke in his video about what a warrior should be doing at this time of the year. Yes, a warrior will go THROUGH the Finish Line, instead of waiting for the year to end and to start all over again in 2018. These two, coupled with the first few pages of High Performance Habits written by Brendon Burchard that I'm starting to read, gave me sort of an assurance that I am actually going into the right direction. Okay, I've said this once a few years ago and I'm still here at the Start, but this time I'm afraid things will change. Because I, will make that change happen!
First thing's first...I'm going to go through with the exams for my MBA that is due in 9 days. After the exams, I will resume with my daily commitment to work on the book for my kids. At the same time, I have committed myself to something else in January 2018 and have started paying for it progressively. I have also committed myself to the Stage 2 of the MBA Programme that will start in February.
I am still searching for my calling. Up to now, all I can feel tightly hugging my very own soul and tugging at my conscience is writing. I have a few ideas in my mind, need to put them into actions. But who knows...I may end up doing Stand-up Comedy. Haha. 😄
I watched a video by Robert Riopel earlier today, in his Fan Page. That video brought me back to home. He reminded me of what I am supposed to be doing and WHY I'm doing it. Yes, one of the reasons why people failed in life is because they don't know what they are after. So how could they succeed if they don't even know what to achieve? True or true? Same here with me.
Engulfed with self-pity from the heartbreaks of many many years ago, added with the deep grieve I felt after my parents were gone and then my elder brother, I came to realise that I have actually neglected myself for so long. I have become a victim without me knowing it. Or probably I do but I chose to ignore. One of the things that I know I know and I chose not to know.
This realisation...this sudden awareness, I think has something to do with the healing that my friend Lina Masrina did on me when she came to visit not too long ago. I think the healing has cleared the path for my self-pity to finally find its way out and roam free. Because from that day onwards, as though in trance, I felt at ease and in peace with myself. I began to be AWARE. I began to think what I think and feel what I feel. The most recent heartbreak, though I have been carrying with me for the past 18 or so years, have disappeared into thin air. I could still remember but no longer do I feel the pain. I could finally FORGIVE myself and let go. Really, really let go.
Amazing, isn't it? How a 30-minutes healing could make a 26 years of inner pain, suffering and self-pity dissolved into thin air and purify the soul? That, was indeed a purification for me.
Since then on, everyday my senses seem to be awake. Like I have just got out from a coma. To my amazement, most of the time things that I've been thinking would physically appear. For example if I've been thinking of a certain words of wisdom, in an instance I would be reading the same in a book. It all started only recently.
When I bought the book, The Way of Achievers written by a warrior-friend, Maitha al-Shamsi. I had just been planning and writing down the scopes of the book for my kids. Something that I have actually planned for many years and did nothing. In her book, Maitha wrote exactly what I need to do in order to make sure the book is written!
Robert, on the other hand, spoke in his video about what a warrior should be doing at this time of the year. Yes, a warrior will go THROUGH the Finish Line, instead of waiting for the year to end and to start all over again in 2018. These two, coupled with the first few pages of High Performance Habits written by Brendon Burchard that I'm starting to read, gave me sort of an assurance that I am actually going into the right direction. Okay, I've said this once a few years ago and I'm still here at the Start, but this time I'm afraid things will change. Because I, will make that change happen!
First thing's first...I'm going to go through with the exams for my MBA that is due in 9 days. After the exams, I will resume with my daily commitment to work on the book for my kids. At the same time, I have committed myself to something else in January 2018 and have started paying for it progressively. I have also committed myself to the Stage 2 of the MBA Programme that will start in February.
I am still searching for my calling. Up to now, all I can feel tightly hugging my very own soul and tugging at my conscience is writing. I have a few ideas in my mind, need to put them into actions. But who knows...I may end up doing Stand-up Comedy. Haha. 😄
Tuesday, 17 October 2017
Seven Years In Summary
This is a continuation to the post that I wrote back in 2015 (click to read):-
2017 is going to an end in about two and a half month's time. Reflecting on my life the past 7 years, this is to summarise it:
2010 - Anger & Frustration
2011 - Repentance
2012 & 2013 - Sadness
2014 - Trying Hard To Forget
2015 - Peace & Coming Home
2016 - Hope
2017 - Development
This year, I've developed myself to overcome the grieve following my brother's passing. At the same time I've developed myself in a few new areas, especially at work.
My wish for 2018 - it's going to be a year of New Beginning. Insya Allah.
2017 is going to an end in about two and a half month's time. Reflecting on my life the past 7 years, this is to summarise it:
2010 - Anger & Frustration
2011 - Repentance
2012 & 2013 - Sadness
2014 - Trying Hard To Forget
2015 - Peace & Coming Home
2016 - Hope
2017 - Development
This year, I've developed myself to overcome the grieve following my brother's passing. At the same time I've developed myself in a few new areas, especially at work.
My wish for 2018 - it's going to be a year of New Beginning. Insya Allah.
Monday, 16 October 2017
A Pinch On The Arm
I'd consider this as a low point in my life. Not as low as I used to be...but the "sinking" feeling is there. No, I don't like this situation. Not at all.
It makes me feel HELPLESS.
I can't breathe properly. That makes it difficult to walk. I'd cough every time I take a breath. After every cough, I'd feel breathless. Its the spasm, as the Doctor said. It makes the bronchial in my lungs constricted, thus restricting air flow. To add to this 'situation' my daughter is having chicken pox! So she's confined at home. Luckily it's school holiday for the week.
It keeps me thinking....did I 'invite' all these into my life? Probably I did. Subconsciously. Who knows?
Since I had that small talk with Lina a few weeks back, I started to think back to what I had been planning a few years back. I've made a very good Life Plan, the most comprehensive plan I've ever done in my whole life! It covers almost every aspect, concisely.
How much time have I wasted? How far have I gone astray from my plans? How could I have forgotten? How could I become easily distracted?
I dawned on me that my focus has shifted since I started working. I am now living the life of others, than my own. Of course, I need the money to settle all my debts. But I'm not supposed to forget what I have planned. I'm supposed to follow through with the plans on weekly and monthly basis. I've neglected the most important person in my life ever since then. ME!
This illness could be a reminder from the AlMighty. Like a pinch on the arm. So that I'd turn around and keep stock of what I have done and what I have missed. Probably He was trying to tell me that I should retrace my steps. Go back to what I have planned before.
Ironically, I bought a book from Amazon which I received last week. It's a book written by a friend I met at Success Resources programs. The Way of Achievers, by Maitha J. Al Shamsi. In the first few pages, she wrote "I have seen people get sick due to work pressure which creates all kind of health issues and disease". That kind of alerted me. In the Chapter that follows, she gave a step-by-step process on creating vision. This book was like taking me back in time.
Sure. I believe the Universe is trying to tell me something. This low point that I am experiencing was indeed my own fault. I didn't follow through with my plans. So what should I do now?
The wisest move is to turn back and retrace.
It makes me feel HELPLESS.
I can't breathe properly. That makes it difficult to walk. I'd cough every time I take a breath. After every cough, I'd feel breathless. Its the spasm, as the Doctor said. It makes the bronchial in my lungs constricted, thus restricting air flow. To add to this 'situation' my daughter is having chicken pox! So she's confined at home. Luckily it's school holiday for the week.
It keeps me thinking....did I 'invite' all these into my life? Probably I did. Subconsciously. Who knows?
Since I had that small talk with Lina a few weeks back, I started to think back to what I had been planning a few years back. I've made a very good Life Plan, the most comprehensive plan I've ever done in my whole life! It covers almost every aspect, concisely.
How much time have I wasted? How far have I gone astray from my plans? How could I have forgotten? How could I become easily distracted?
I dawned on me that my focus has shifted since I started working. I am now living the life of others, than my own. Of course, I need the money to settle all my debts. But I'm not supposed to forget what I have planned. I'm supposed to follow through with the plans on weekly and monthly basis. I've neglected the most important person in my life ever since then. ME!
This illness could be a reminder from the AlMighty. Like a pinch on the arm. So that I'd turn around and keep stock of what I have done and what I have missed. Probably He was trying to tell me that I should retrace my steps. Go back to what I have planned before.
Ironically, I bought a book from Amazon which I received last week. It's a book written by a friend I met at Success Resources programs. The Way of Achievers, by Maitha J. Al Shamsi. In the first few pages, she wrote "I have seen people get sick due to work pressure which creates all kind of health issues and disease". That kind of alerted me. In the Chapter that follows, she gave a step-by-step process on creating vision. This book was like taking me back in time.
Sure. I believe the Universe is trying to tell me something. This low point that I am experiencing was indeed my own fault. I didn't follow through with my plans. So what should I do now?
The wisest move is to turn back and retrace.
What Matters Most
I was hospitalised in August, after having a bad cough for a few days. Luckily it wasn't tuberculosis or anything serious. It was first diagnosed as bronchitis. After a few round of tests, the Specialist finally diagnosed me as having 'Cough-Variant' Asthma. She said was a rare kind of asthma. Hardly found in any of her patients. So she considered my condition as unusual, in a special kind of way.
I was warded for four days and given the next week off. At the time of discharge I knew I was still unwell. Even after the week's off and when I got back to work, I was still coughing and wheezing. I had a hard time sleeping at night. Started to snore. I've never snored!
When I had to see the Doctor again for follow-up check, she found that my coughing had worsened and she admitted me again. Wow! Hospitalised again! She was actually at lost with what kind of treatment should be given to me. For she had given me the best and the strongest of medicines. For the second time, I was warded for five days. When I was discharged, I felt a little bit better.
This morning, I went to the Doctor. For follow-up check again. But also because I had an asthma attack on Friday, three days ago. The Doctor told me that my condition is chronic. She told me that she had given me the best treatment and I took the medications (particularly the inhaler) according to her prescriptions. The only thing that could have made my condition worsened was the triggering factor. After discussing about it, we came to a conclusion that my asthma can be triggered by cold environment. Air-conditioned room / car, rain, fan. Rainy season is definitely not my good friend. When it rains in the night, I'll catch this big A in the morning. Most of the time.
I could also get it easily when I'm having flu. The mucus will block my nostrils and my air passageway, making it difficult to breathe. That'll create spasms in the lungs, thus creating 'ronchi' as the Doctor told me.
This coughing, I've actually had it for a long long time. I knew that I'm an asthmatic. My panel doctors know that I'm asthmatic. But I didn't know that there is such a specific name for it. And according to the Specialist, this kind of asthma cannot be easily identified. Not many Doctors would have given the correct diagnose. So I consider myself lucky for having met with this Specialist.
When you're having health problems that leaves you choking for breath every time it occurs, you'll start thinking if this is the last breath. It'll make you feel even worse when you have kids and work to worry about. At this point of time, I'd say that health is more valuable than any amount of money and materials that we have in this world.
HEALTH is all that matters.
I was warded for four days and given the next week off. At the time of discharge I knew I was still unwell. Even after the week's off and when I got back to work, I was still coughing and wheezing. I had a hard time sleeping at night. Started to snore. I've never snored!
When I had to see the Doctor again for follow-up check, she found that my coughing had worsened and she admitted me again. Wow! Hospitalised again! She was actually at lost with what kind of treatment should be given to me. For she had given me the best and the strongest of medicines. For the second time, I was warded for five days. When I was discharged, I felt a little bit better.
This morning, I went to the Doctor. For follow-up check again. But also because I had an asthma attack on Friday, three days ago. The Doctor told me that my condition is chronic. She told me that she had given me the best treatment and I took the medications (particularly the inhaler) according to her prescriptions. The only thing that could have made my condition worsened was the triggering factor. After discussing about it, we came to a conclusion that my asthma can be triggered by cold environment. Air-conditioned room / car, rain, fan. Rainy season is definitely not my good friend. When it rains in the night, I'll catch this big A in the morning. Most of the time.
I could also get it easily when I'm having flu. The mucus will block my nostrils and my air passageway, making it difficult to breathe. That'll create spasms in the lungs, thus creating 'ronchi' as the Doctor told me.
This coughing, I've actually had it for a long long time. I knew that I'm an asthmatic. My panel doctors know that I'm asthmatic. But I didn't know that there is such a specific name for it. And according to the Specialist, this kind of asthma cannot be easily identified. Not many Doctors would have given the correct diagnose. So I consider myself lucky for having met with this Specialist.
When you're having health problems that leaves you choking for breath every time it occurs, you'll start thinking if this is the last breath. It'll make you feel even worse when you have kids and work to worry about. At this point of time, I'd say that health is more valuable than any amount of money and materials that we have in this world.
HEALTH is all that matters.
Tuesday, 19 September 2017
Tribute To Self
To the Most Beautiful Soul in the world,
Have I told you lately that I love you? I do. With all my heart!
First and foremost, I must apologise for being unfair to you. After all these years I have never acknowledged you. Let alone to appraise you. I have never told you that I love you, either. Today, as you are celebrating your 48th birthday I thought it might be fitting for this more than rare or possibly extra ordinary tribute, to be given in such a manner.
So here goes...
I have known you all my life. I have seen your ups and downs, your highs and lows, your laughter and your tears, your anger and your jubilation, your warmth and your wrath, your happiness and your sadness, your success and your failures. I must say that I have never seen anyone as determined, deep-rooted, strong-spirited and principled as you are. Your parents have taught you well, my dear. Your surroundings have definitely educated and groomed you up to become a better person, too.
You were once a happy-go-lucky gal who cares of nothing evil in this world. You've had a fair share of a good time in your youth. You have enjoyed your life so much. You have laughed, danced and sang to the songs of life. It was full of colours. Full of joy. Life was so much simpler then, hence your tagline 'Simple Is The Best'. I am proud to have been a part of it.
However, when your heart was broken, your life seems to have faded away. You were listing your life to the near end. After your parents passed on, followed by your beloved brother Amri, it was as if there was no more life in that soul of yours. There was no more joy, no more happiness that radiates through that smile. Your eyes could only see sadness and despair. With all that has happened, you became a very deep person. People could hardly understand you, even those who are closest to you. I could hardly recognise you! And I began to wonder...where was that cheeky little girl that I once knew? Where have that happy-go-lucky girl who loved sports, nature and adventure went to? What have you done to her?
This is why I must apologise to you again. I have not been a good companion to you. I merely watched you wasted your adult life away without doing anything. But I must say that you are one hell of a tough hag!
Every time you fell into misery, every time sadness came to you, every time your heart broke and every time you became lost, you came back. You will always have your head high above the waters even when you were about to drown in your suffering. Yes...I must admit that your mind is your most powerful strength. I admire you for that. You have my highest respect for being able to make it thus far.
As the late Muhammad Ali once said "It's not a matter of how many times you were knocked down, but how many times you got back up after being knocked down". You did just that! You got back up on your feet, held your head up high and moved on with your life. Every time you fell, you got back up. Every time you failed, you came back with sheer determination to make things right. Every time you got lost, you found your way back home. It shows that you can do whatever you want to, if you really put your mind to it.
On this auspicious day of your life, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. You are the most wonderful person that I have ever known. You have the kindest of heart that would reach out to others even when yours are bleeding. You have the purest and most beautiful soul I have ever met. You are the most loving, most gracious, most intelligent and the most caring. Most importantly, you have the brightest of smiles. Nothing else in this whole wide world could match your endearing love and affection for your kids. Your kids are very lucky to have you as their mother. My heart is about to burst with the intensity of my love for you.
And I am asking you, my dearest beloved, to please live happily again. After all that you have endured, you deserve to be happy. Find your passion. Go out and enjoy nature like you once did. Laugh! Sing! Play! Do whatever you have to do to find that glint or that flicker of happiness. Bring that ol' Lepih girl back to life! So that that wonderful smile of yours will radiate the world and shine through the universe once again. Can't wait to explore the world with you,babe!
I will be here for you for ever and ever and for eternity. No one will ever love you as much as I do. Because you are part of me and I, part of you.
REMEMBER!
You are a beautiful soul.
In the meantime.....CELEBRATE!!!!
Yours Forever,
ZADE.
P/S: This song is specially dedicated to you....Special Song for a Special Person
Have I told you lately that I love you? I do. With all my heart!
First and foremost, I must apologise for being unfair to you. After all these years I have never acknowledged you. Let alone to appraise you. I have never told you that I love you, either. Today, as you are celebrating your 48th birthday I thought it might be fitting for this more than rare or possibly extra ordinary tribute, to be given in such a manner.
So here goes...
I have known you all my life. I have seen your ups and downs, your highs and lows, your laughter and your tears, your anger and your jubilation, your warmth and your wrath, your happiness and your sadness, your success and your failures. I must say that I have never seen anyone as determined, deep-rooted, strong-spirited and principled as you are. Your parents have taught you well, my dear. Your surroundings have definitely educated and groomed you up to become a better person, too.
You were once a happy-go-lucky gal who cares of nothing evil in this world. You've had a fair share of a good time in your youth. You have enjoyed your life so much. You have laughed, danced and sang to the songs of life. It was full of colours. Full of joy. Life was so much simpler then, hence your tagline 'Simple Is The Best'. I am proud to have been a part of it.
However, when your heart was broken, your life seems to have faded away. You were listing your life to the near end. After your parents passed on, followed by your beloved brother Amri, it was as if there was no more life in that soul of yours. There was no more joy, no more happiness that radiates through that smile. Your eyes could only see sadness and despair. With all that has happened, you became a very deep person. People could hardly understand you, even those who are closest to you. I could hardly recognise you! And I began to wonder...where was that cheeky little girl that I once knew? Where have that happy-go-lucky girl who loved sports, nature and adventure went to? What have you done to her?
This is why I must apologise to you again. I have not been a good companion to you. I merely watched you wasted your adult life away without doing anything. But I must say that you are one hell of a tough hag!
Every time you fell into misery, every time sadness came to you, every time your heart broke and every time you became lost, you came back. You will always have your head high above the waters even when you were about to drown in your suffering. Yes...I must admit that your mind is your most powerful strength. I admire you for that. You have my highest respect for being able to make it thus far.
As the late Muhammad Ali once said "It's not a matter of how many times you were knocked down, but how many times you got back up after being knocked down". You did just that! You got back up on your feet, held your head up high and moved on with your life. Every time you fell, you got back up. Every time you failed, you came back with sheer determination to make things right. Every time you got lost, you found your way back home. It shows that you can do whatever you want to, if you really put your mind to it.
On this auspicious day of your life, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. You are the most wonderful person that I have ever known. You have the kindest of heart that would reach out to others even when yours are bleeding. You have the purest and most beautiful soul I have ever met. You are the most loving, most gracious, most intelligent and the most caring. Most importantly, you have the brightest of smiles. Nothing else in this whole wide world could match your endearing love and affection for your kids. Your kids are very lucky to have you as their mother. My heart is about to burst with the intensity of my love for you.
And I am asking you, my dearest beloved, to please live happily again. After all that you have endured, you deserve to be happy. Find your passion. Go out and enjoy nature like you once did. Laugh! Sing! Play! Do whatever you have to do to find that glint or that flicker of happiness. Bring that ol' Lepih girl back to life! So that that wonderful smile of yours will radiate the world and shine through the universe once again. Can't wait to explore the world with you,babe!
I will be here for you for ever and ever and for eternity. No one will ever love you as much as I do. Because you are part of me and I, part of you.
REMEMBER!
You are a beautiful soul.
In the meantime.....CELEBRATE!!!!
Yours Forever,
ZADE.
P/S: This song is specially dedicated to you....Special Song for a Special Person
Sunday, 17 September 2017
Past, Present and Future
After being mersmerised and in daze for a few days, I wrote this on Facebook:-
Each and every one of us has a PAST. Each and every one. It's also called HISTORY. Why? Because once upon a time families would sit around and listen to stories told by their elder ones...His story.
Some people don't want to remember their past. Mostly because it was too painful, too heartbreaking or too disappointing. So they tend to forget about it. Well, of course they would do that. Who would want to remember a painful and disheartening past, huh?
Like me. I have a lot of painful memories of the past. I put the blame on those who were involved. I even put the blame on my mother! Duhhhh....
But here's the thing.
Whatever you do, you can't change the fact that your past DID HAPPEN. Bad news, huh? Yeah, they did. Unknowingly, you are who you are today because of the incidents or events that have occurred in the past. Either you've made yourself better or worse, that was your choice. However, I am sure all of us would not want any of those to be repeated. Aye? In a way, you do have something to learn from the past. Mistakes that you did in the past, sins that you have committed, wrongdoings that you did onto other people, etc etc etc....have made you a better person today.
There are also those who are fortunate enough to have a very good past. Filled with fun, love, happiness and even success. Whether you realise that or not. Whether you accept that or not. The facts is, you HAVE CHANGED. One becomes wiser with age. Didn't the wise say that? Indeed we do become wiser as we aged.
That's why now is called the PRESENT. It is a gift for you from the yesteryears.
So you should embrace the now. Enjoy the moment of being who you are today, who is much much better than before.
Forget about thinking who you 'should've been' or 'could've been' or 'would've been' because 'should have', 'could have' and 'would have' don't exist. It was just the mind trying to trick you into believing that you could be someone else. Which is just crap. There is no such thing as should have, could have and would have! No. They don't exist.
Hang on. There's more. Guess what?
Who you are TODAY will determine who you will become in the future. Be it tomorrow, the next day, next week, next month or next year. Pick the choice. It's all yours.
Then your present will eventually become your past, in your future.
I'll say that again...
Your present will eventually become your past, in your future.
Now...if you still can't get me, here's the thing:-
The PRESENT is a gift for you FROM your past and FOR your future.
Gedit?
So....if you are still unsatisfied with who you are today, make the change. If you want your future self to become better than who you are today, change it.
Nobody is more responsible for your own self, your own life, your own happiness, your own success....than YOU.
Savvy?
And I'm only saying all these because I care.
Each and every one of us has a PAST. Each and every one. It's also called HISTORY. Why? Because once upon a time families would sit around and listen to stories told by their elder ones...His story.
Some people don't want to remember their past. Mostly because it was too painful, too heartbreaking or too disappointing. So they tend to forget about it. Well, of course they would do that. Who would want to remember a painful and disheartening past, huh?
Like me. I have a lot of painful memories of the past. I put the blame on those who were involved. I even put the blame on my mother! Duhhhh....
But here's the thing.
Whatever you do, you can't change the fact that your past DID HAPPEN. Bad news, huh? Yeah, they did. Unknowingly, you are who you are today because of the incidents or events that have occurred in the past. Either you've made yourself better or worse, that was your choice. However, I am sure all of us would not want any of those to be repeated. Aye? In a way, you do have something to learn from the past. Mistakes that you did in the past, sins that you have committed, wrongdoings that you did onto other people, etc etc etc....have made you a better person today.
There are also those who are fortunate enough to have a very good past. Filled with fun, love, happiness and even success. Whether you realise that or not. Whether you accept that or not. The facts is, you HAVE CHANGED. One becomes wiser with age. Didn't the wise say that? Indeed we do become wiser as we aged.
That's why now is called the PRESENT. It is a gift for you from the yesteryears.
So you should embrace the now. Enjoy the moment of being who you are today, who is much much better than before.
Forget about thinking who you 'should've been' or 'could've been' or 'would've been' because 'should have', 'could have' and 'would have' don't exist. It was just the mind trying to trick you into believing that you could be someone else. Which is just crap. There is no such thing as should have, could have and would have! No. They don't exist.
Hang on. There's more. Guess what?
Who you are TODAY will determine who you will become in the future. Be it tomorrow, the next day, next week, next month or next year. Pick the choice. It's all yours.
Then your present will eventually become your past, in your future.
I'll say that again...
Your present will eventually become your past, in your future.
Now...if you still can't get me, here's the thing:-
The PRESENT is a gift for you FROM your past and FOR your future.
Gedit?
So....if you are still unsatisfied with who you are today, make the change. If you want your future self to become better than who you are today, change it.
Nobody is more responsible for your own self, your own life, your own happiness, your own success....than YOU.
Savvy?
And I'm only saying all these because I care.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)