HEARTBREAKS

I have been thinking about this for a few days now. I feel the need to send this message out to the world.

At first, I wanted to make a video of it. But I don't want people to be mistaken belief that I am still thinking of my past.

That's not the intention why I'm writing this.

I have a VERY SERIOUS message to send out. Please bear with me.

Heartbreaks seem like a usual growing up and life process. I'm sure, 9 out of 10 of you have experienced this at some point in your life. And you know how it feels.

I cannot take it when people say "move on" or "forget her/him" to someone who had just experienced a heartbreak.

Get this, people: IT'S NOT JUST A FREAKING HEARTBREAK!

This is not a drama that we get to see on TV. This is for real. Heartbreaks are the evil of all dark emotions.

A simple heartbreak can cause the life of a person. Trust me, I know.
You see, heartbreaks can lead to a lot of limiting beliefs and dark emotions. Apart from feeling frustrated, these are some of the deeper emotions that someone who has suffered a heartbreak can feel:

1. FEAR - heartbreaks lead to fear of losing someone whom we love, fear of being rejected, fear of being left alone, fear of not being wanted and fear of trusting someone else.

2. LOW SELF-ESTEEM - heartbreaks caused someone to have a low self-esteem. They felt that they were not good enough and that's why the person whom they loved, left them. Having such low self-esteem can even cause that person to become anti-social, they will shut themselves out from the world, they can become hermits.

3. ANGER - heartbreaks can turn someone into a grouch who in turn will cause him/her to experience anger management issue. He/she can't be angry at the person whom have left them, because they love that person very much. So they vent their anger at the rest of the world.

4. SADNESS - someone who suffered a heartbreak is as sad as someone whose loved ones died. They suffer the feeling of loss. Their sadness is beyond words.

5. GUILT - the feeling of guilt would arise when they think that they have cause the person to leave them. Probably something that they have said or do or didn't say and didn't do.

6. REGRET - especially when he/she has spent a lot of time and effort to be with that person whom he/she loved. Deeper regret is felt when the relationship that they had was supposed to bring them to the altar (dais). They would live with such remorseful feeling for as long as they could.

7. DESPONDENT / DEJECTED - someone who experienced this feeling after a heartbreak can make them feel depressed. They will give up hope, give up the will to live and give up the need to be happy again.

8. VINDICTIVE - having the vengeance against the person who hurt them, is normal, so to speak. But the darkest form of vengeance is when they let it out on others. They will break other people's heart carelessly or even cause other relationships to break, just to satisfy their own vindictive feeling.
Some people would have all these feelings mixed together. Unknowingly, they would carry on with these feelings even when they have found another love.

To those fortunate, they would snap out of these dark emotions and continue living. However, to some unfortunate ones, these feelings would lead to depression. Depression would lead to suicidal thoughts and if left untreated, these suicidal thoughts could cause them their lives.

You see, it's not "just another heartbreak".

IN ALL EARNEST, IN ALL SINCERITY AND IN THE NAME OF HUMANITY, I BEG OF YOU...HUSBANDS, WIVES, BOYFRIENDS, GIRLFRIENDS, LOVERS...TO PLEASE... PLEASE... PLEASE.... PLEASE.... BE COMPASSIONATE WHEN YOU WANT TO BREAK SOMEONE'S HEART.

IF YOU REALLY HAVE TO DO IT, PLEASE HAVE THE COURAGE TO FACE THAT PERSON AND TELL THEM NICELY. MAN UP! MOST IMPORTANTLY, APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING TO DO THAT TO THEM.

DON'T TREAT THEM LIKE SHIT. DON'T JUST DUMP THEM LIKE THEY DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU. DON'T TREAT THEM LIKE THEY HAVE NO FEELINGS.

I BEG OF YOU.

PLEASE....

P/S: Kindly share this message. I'd appreciate it very much.

Regards,
ZADE

Holding on to the Past

Sometimes I wonder, what makes me always thinking of the past. Why, at some point, I still couldn't move on.

Someone made me realize that I have been harping on the past and keep on thinking about it. She suggested that I should let it go. I've been holding on to the past for so long. I know it's dragging me down. I'm not happy.

There are things that I couldn't let go. I'm afraid if I do, I will lose the memory. Good or bad. As if the memories are the only things that can keep me going, moving ahead. When in fact, they are just dragging me back.

I'm not moving. Not progressing at all. Even when there are 'some' development. Actually, there's nothing much. Frankly. And sadly.

As I sit and type this, all those memories, all those feelings, came flooding back. However, this time I'm making them conscious. I want to see and feel them. I want to know how it really feels at its darkest moment.

Fear. That's what I'm feeling after the deaths of my parents and my elder brother. It came in the form of sadness. Disguised itself so that I couldn't realize it for what it actually was.

Guilt. That's what I felt after my elder brother passed on. I felt guilty because I wasn't able to do the best that I should, for him, when he needed me. Guilt because I knew I should have done more. However, the fear that I felt kept me away from him.

Self-pity. I've had this for the longest time. I think probably it went back to my teenage years. Or probably since I was a young child. Pity myself for not having the love and attention that I wanted. This is the deepest feeling that I have ever felt. One which even my alter ego wouldn't confessed of having.

Self-pity was also the reason why I feel dejected all these while. The reason why I had the suicidal thoughts not too long ago. The reason why I refused to let go of the past. By far, I think this is the cruellest form of a dark feeling.

At some point, I knew these were the reason why I kept on changing my lifestyle and my needs. I didn't actually know what I want until I realised these were the darkest secret that my own being have been keeping from me.

Now that I know, I need to deal with them. Once and for all!

Writer for Hire

What's next? I wondered.

Once I made the decision to quit working, I knew that I'll be facing the same issue as I did back in 2010 and 2015. That my husband will be the sole breadwinner of the family and we need to be prudent in our spending.

While he has no objection to my quitting, I think deep down in his heart, he must be worried about our expenses and liabilities. His is not ours alone. He has his family to take care of, too.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking. I need to do something to get some income. And I need to do something that I can do from home or wherever, without being stuck to the 9-5 routine.

The only skill I have is writing. I think, that's the only thing I know and good at. Even after all these years working.

And I need to expand my knowledge that I've gained in GBI, TTT and EWTC into something for the future generation. Probably a talking gig...a book...articles of sort. I don't know. Anything that I can explore upon.

I'm in the midst of writing a book. My first book. If God's willing. But I'm not hoping for this book to become best seller or to give me loads of royalties. My intention was just to come out with my first book.

For the income, I thought of being a Writer for Hire. Ghostwriter. Copywriter. Proofreader. Someone whom others could seek for help with, when they need something to be written. Though I have never done that, I know it is something that I can learn. I mean, I am a fast learner!

I am feeling very uncomfortable right now. Lots of things I need to adjust with this new life. I need to be more discipline in terms of time. I need to focus on learning the new skill, I need to read a lot. At the same time, I need to also focus on my studies.

I have an assignment coming up for my MBA. Then there's a proposal for the Management Research Challenge that I need to work on. Last but not least, there's the Personal Development assignment I need to also work on, by end of this year.

Wow! Lots of things on my hands, it seems.

I hope I won't get overwhelmed again.

Another Stop

I've resigned from my job on 29 July 2018.

I made the decision in April after I've thought long and hard about it. When I sent the resignation notice to my boss, I gave my health condition and my kids as the main reason why I wanted to quit. No, I did not discuss about it with him before I sent the notice out. But I did discuss with my previous boss.

I found that once I've made that decision in my mind (prior to sending out the notice) it was difficult to retract.

I've since thought about the actual reason why I wanted to leave. I mean, it was a high-paying job and I was working in the line of transport which I have always wanted. Leaving the job means that we will go back to 2010 and 2015 when my husband became the sole breadwinner of the family. I know that when I leave, we will not have the luxury and comfort of things and expenditure like we used to have.

At the end of 2014, I left the same organisation, with whom I've worked with in KL for almost 4 years. Since my Mom passed away in 2013, it was very difficult for me to pick up the pieces. Her death has shattered my life and broke my soul. The only way I could deal with it was to get out from the house and move back to JB. And we did.

So in 2015, I wasn't working. I attended to my family, especially my school-going kids. By end of the year we started having financial difficulty. I still had two personal loans to serve and the housing loan to pay. My husband couldn't help me with the personal loans and the banks were chasing me like crazy.

Fate has it that the same organisation opened up an office in JB. So I tried my luck. It wasn't smooth. In the end, I was accepted and started working in May 2016. I was tasked to oversee the offices in JB and Malacca.

I thought that with the office in JB, my life would be so much easier. Commuting from home to office took only about 20 minutes or so. Unlike previously when it took me nearly 2 hours, just one way. By 6pm I would already be at home. The best thing is, my workday was the same as the school day. Meaning that I had my weekend on Friday and Saturday. So there was no issue with the kids.

Unfortunately, my elder brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer back in Sept 2016. So I need to attend to him for his chemotherapy, almost every weekend. I'd take the bus on Thursday night and come back on Sunday morning, straight to the office. Sometimes I spent the night at the hospital with him. Sometimes, instead of taking the bus I'd drive.

Eventually, he passed away in March 2017. Another sad episode of my life.

Since his passing, I became ill. I started having flu in early January, after I came back from London in Dec 2016. I guess the climate change took a toll on my poor health. Ever since, I didn't seem to recover. The flu came and went.

On top of that, I think my brother's passing took some more pieces of me away. Him and me, we were only 11 months apart. I loved him dearly, even though we were not very close. Until he became sick. The realization that I now have no father, mother and elder brother is very sad. I have nobody to turn to.

My grieving period wasn't that long, surprisingly. I was soon caught up with work. it became intense. I had to travel JB-KL almost every alternate week. Coincidentally, the driver got involved in an auto accident and was on medical leave for the whole year! So more often than not I had to drive my own car or take the midnight bus.

I think being exposed to the air-condition at night, being exhausted physically and mentally, made me even sick. In August 2017, I was diagnosed with Cough Variant Asthma, a rare form of asthma. I'd have asthma attacks especially early in the morning.

I tried my best to carry out my duties. However, in early 2018 I started thinking about my life's purpose. I started thinking about my priorities. I started thinking about myself. I started thinking about my future.

The job, even though lucrative and interesting, didn't actually add any value to my personal development. It wasn't anything new, except for the surrounding. The bureaucracies and some issues with internal as well as external parties were making me more frustrated and demotivated. Deep within those thoughts, I came to realize that I was doing all these not for myself but for others. That's why I wasn't happy.

So I decided to quit.

What motivated me to send in the notice was the fact that having been sick all the time, I wasn't really in the office most of the time and had to rely on my officers. Which to me, didn't do any justice to them. It didn't do any justice to me as well, when I had to monitor them and read / reply to emails from home when I was on medical leave!

Then there was my kids.

Their exam results were not at all encouraging since early in the year. Probably because I wasn't around that much to closely monitor them (at times I had to work outstation for 2 - 3 days. Once, I was away for 5 days). So they didn't care very much to study.

My daughter will be sitting for an important exam end of September. Therefore, I thought if I tendered my resignation by end of April and served a 3-months' notice, my last day will be at the end of July. So I'd have approximately two months to work with her on her studies.

I know that the decision was based purely on emotion. It was something that I felt I had to do. For whatever reason, I just had to resign. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to move forward. This time, I did it for me. This is for my future.

May God The AlMighty bless my intentions.

Oh, my poor girl!

My daughter bought a scrap book that costs about RM22.00 earlier today. She told me that she wanted to work on a 'project' for my upcoming Anniversary. She wanted to make an album of me and my husband.

When we arrived home, she immediately went to scour the photo albums looking for photos that she'd put in the scrapbook. She found a hands' full of photos and came to my room to scan them. In colour! I looked through the photos, rejected a few and finally I nagged at her for being so engrossed with this 'project' while not doing anything when I asked her to study. I told her that while she refused to do what I have asked her to do, now she is asking me to do something there and then. So I asked her to put the photos on my table and that I will "scan them when I'm free".

I told her that I appreciate what she was trying to do but all I want from her was to study. She slowly picked up the photos and left the room. I called her back, asked her to give me the photos. She said that she's not going to do it anymore. She'll just make me a card.

Awwww....!!! Now doesn't that sound so saddddd??? What have I done?!

I've turned into my parents!

I've shot dead my daughter's enthusiasm tonight. Why...oh why...did I do just that?

I could've handled the situation in a much better way. Instead, I unconsciously turn myself into my late Mom (sorry Mak!) and nagged at her. I should've encouraged her!

Oh...I need some coaxing to do. My poor girl!