Another Stop

I've resigned from my job on 29 July 2018.

I made the decision in April after I've thought long and hard about it. When I sent the resignation notice to my boss, I gave my health condition and my kids as the main reason why I wanted to quit. No, I did not discuss about it with him before I sent the notice out. But I did discuss with my previous boss.

I found that once I've made that decision in my mind (prior to sending out the notice) it was difficult to retract.

I've since thought about the actual reason why I wanted to leave. I mean, it was a high-paying job and I was working in the line of transport which I have always wanted. Leaving the job means that we will go back to 2010 and 2015 when my husband became the sole breadwinner of the family. I know that when I leave, we will not have the luxury and comfort of things and expenditure like we used to have.

At the end of 2014, I left the same organisation, with whom I've worked with in KL for almost 4 years. Since my Mom passed away in 2013, it was very difficult for me to pick up the pieces. Her death has shattered my life and broke my soul. The only way I could deal with it was to get out from the house and move back to JB. And we did.

So in 2015, I wasn't working. I attended to my family, especially my school-going kids. By end of the year we started having financial difficulty. I still had two personal loans to serve and the housing loan to pay. My husband couldn't help me with the personal loans and the banks were chasing me like crazy.

Fate has it that the same organisation opened up an office in JB. So I tried my luck. It wasn't smooth. In the end, I was accepted and started working in May 2016. I was tasked to oversee the offices in JB and Malacca.

I thought that with the office in JB, my life would be so much easier. Commuting from home to office took only about 20 minutes or so. Unlike previously when it took me nearly 2 hours, just one way. By 6pm I would already be at home. The best thing is, my workday was the same as the school day. Meaning that I had my weekend on Friday and Saturday. So there was no issue with the kids.

Unfortunately, my elder brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer back in Sept 2016. So I need to attend to him for his chemotherapy, almost every weekend. I'd take the bus on Thursday night and come back on Sunday morning, straight to the office. Sometimes I spent the night at the hospital with him. Sometimes, instead of taking the bus I'd drive.

Eventually, he passed away in March 2017. Another sad episode of my life.

Since his passing, I became ill. I started having flu in early January, after I came back from London in Dec 2016. I guess the climate change took a toll on my poor health. Ever since, I didn't seem to recover. The flu came and went.

On top of that, I think my brother's passing took some more pieces of me away. Him and me, we were only 11 months apart. I loved him dearly, even though we were not very close. Until he became sick. The realization that I now have no father, mother and elder brother is very sad. I have nobody to turn to.

My grieving period wasn't that long, surprisingly. I was soon caught up with work. it became intense. I had to travel JB-KL almost every alternate week. Coincidentally, the driver got involved in an auto accident and was on medical leave for the whole year! So more often than not I had to drive my own car or take the midnight bus.

I think being exposed to the air-condition at night, being exhausted physically and mentally, made me even sick. In August 2017, I was diagnosed with Cough Variant Asthma, a rare form of asthma. I'd have asthma attacks especially early in the morning.

I tried my best to carry out my duties. However, in early 2018 I started thinking about my life's purpose. I started thinking about my priorities. I started thinking about myself. I started thinking about my future.

The job, even though lucrative and interesting, didn't actually add any value to my personal development. It wasn't anything new, except for the surrounding. The bureaucracies and some issues with internal as well as external parties were making me more frustrated and demotivated. Deep within those thoughts, I came to realize that I was doing all these not for myself but for others. That's why I wasn't happy.

So I decided to quit.

What motivated me to send in the notice was the fact that having been sick all the time, I wasn't really in the office most of the time and had to rely on my officers. Which to me, didn't do any justice to them. It didn't do any justice to me as well, when I had to monitor them and read / reply to emails from home when I was on medical leave!

Then there was my kids.

Their exam results were not at all encouraging since early in the year. Probably because I wasn't around that much to closely monitor them (at times I had to work outstation for 2 - 3 days. Once, I was away for 5 days). So they didn't care very much to study.

My daughter will be sitting for an important exam end of September. Therefore, I thought if I tendered my resignation by end of April and served a 3-months' notice, my last day will be at the end of July. So I'd have approximately two months to work with her on her studies.

I know that the decision was based purely on emotion. It was something that I felt I had to do. For whatever reason, I just had to resign. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to move forward. This time, I did it for me. This is for my future.

May God The AlMighty bless my intentions.