Another Stop

I've resigned from my job on 29 July 2018.

I made the decision in April after I've thought long and hard about it. When I sent the resignation notice to my boss, I gave my health condition and my kids as the main reason why I wanted to quit. No, I did not discuss about it with him before I sent the notice out. But I did discuss with my previous boss.

I found that once I've made that decision in my mind (prior to sending out the notice) it was difficult to retract.

I've since thought about the actual reason why I wanted to leave. I mean, it was a high-paying job and I was working in the line of transport which I have always wanted. Leaving the job means that we will go back to 2010 and 2015 when my husband became the sole breadwinner of the family. I know that when I leave, we will not have the luxury and comfort of things and expenditure like we used to have.

At the end of 2014, I left the same organisation, with whom I've worked with in KL for almost 4 years. Since my Mom passed away in 2013, it was very difficult for me to pick up the pieces. Her death has shattered my life and broke my soul. The only way I could deal with it was to get out from the house and move back to JB. And we did.

So in 2015, I wasn't working. I attended to my family, especially my school-going kids. By end of the year we started having financial difficulty. I still had two personal loans to serve and the housing loan to pay. My husband couldn't help me with the personal loans and the banks were chasing me like crazy.

Fate has it that the same organisation opened up an office in JB. So I tried my luck. It wasn't smooth. In the end, I was accepted and started working in May 2016. I was tasked to oversee the offices in JB and Malacca.

I thought that with the office in JB, my life would be so much easier. Commuting from home to office took only about 20 minutes or so. Unlike previously when it took me nearly 2 hours, just one way. By 6pm I would already be at home. The best thing is, my workday was the same as the school day. Meaning that I had my weekend on Friday and Saturday. So there was no issue with the kids.

Unfortunately, my elder brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer back in Sept 2016. So I need to attend to him for his chemotherapy, almost every weekend. I'd take the bus on Thursday night and come back on Sunday morning, straight to the office. Sometimes I spent the night at the hospital with him. Sometimes, instead of taking the bus I'd drive.

Eventually, he passed away in March 2017. Another sad episode of my life.

Since his passing, I became ill. I started having flu in early January, after I came back from London in Dec 2016. I guess the climate change took a toll on my poor health. Ever since, I didn't seem to recover. The flu came and went.

On top of that, I think my brother's passing took some more pieces of me away. Him and me, we were only 11 months apart. I loved him dearly, even though we were not very close. Until he became sick. The realization that I now have no father, mother and elder brother is very sad. I have nobody to turn to.

My grieving period wasn't that long, surprisingly. I was soon caught up with work. it became intense. I had to travel JB-KL almost every alternate week. Coincidentally, the driver got involved in an auto accident and was on medical leave for the whole year! So more often than not I had to drive my own car or take the midnight bus.

I think being exposed to the air-condition at night, being exhausted physically and mentally, made me even sick. In August 2017, I was diagnosed with Cough Variant Asthma, a rare form of asthma. I'd have asthma attacks especially early in the morning.

I tried my best to carry out my duties. However, in early 2018 I started thinking about my life's purpose. I started thinking about my priorities. I started thinking about myself. I started thinking about my future.

The job, even though lucrative and interesting, didn't actually add any value to my personal development. It wasn't anything new, except for the surrounding. The bureaucracies and some issues with internal as well as external parties were making me more frustrated and demotivated. Deep within those thoughts, I came to realize that I was doing all these not for myself but for others. That's why I wasn't happy.

So I decided to quit.

What motivated me to send in the notice was the fact that having been sick all the time, I wasn't really in the office most of the time and had to rely on my officers. Which to me, didn't do any justice to them. It didn't do any justice to me as well, when I had to monitor them and read / reply to emails from home when I was on medical leave!

Then there was my kids.

Their exam results were not at all encouraging since early in the year. Probably because I wasn't around that much to closely monitor them (at times I had to work outstation for 2 - 3 days. Once, I was away for 5 days). So they didn't care very much to study.

My daughter will be sitting for an important exam end of September. Therefore, I thought if I tendered my resignation by end of April and served a 3-months' notice, my last day will be at the end of July. So I'd have approximately two months to work with her on her studies.

I know that the decision was based purely on emotion. It was something that I felt I had to do. For whatever reason, I just had to resign. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to move forward. This time, I did it for me. This is for my future.

May God The AlMighty bless my intentions.

Oh, my poor girl!

My daughter bought a scrap book that costs about RM22.00 earlier today. She told me that she wanted to work on a 'project' for my upcoming Anniversary. She wanted to make an album of me and my husband.

When we arrived home, she immediately went to scour the photo albums looking for photos that she'd put in the scrapbook. She found a hands' full of photos and came to my room to scan them. In colour! I looked through the photos, rejected a few and finally I nagged at her for being so engrossed with this 'project' while not doing anything when I asked her to study. I told her that while she refused to do what I have asked her to do, now she is asking me to do something there and then. So I asked her to put the photos on my table and that I will "scan them when I'm free".

I told her that I appreciate what she was trying to do but all I want from her was to study. She slowly picked up the photos and left the room. I called her back, asked her to give me the photos. She said that she's not going to do it anymore. She'll just make me a card.

Awwww....!!! Now doesn't that sound so saddddd??? What have I done?!

I've turned into my parents!

I've shot dead my daughter's enthusiasm tonight. Why...oh why...did I do just that?

I could've handled the situation in a much better way. Instead, I unconsciously turn myself into my late Mom (sorry Mak!) and nagged at her. I should've encouraged her!

Oh...I need some coaxing to do. My poor girl!

Time

People come and go in our lives. Some will come back and some don't. Some will leave a big void in our hearts, longing for their return. Wanting so much to see them again, to hug and to kiss or just to talk to them. But that's not possible. So we have to deal with it.

We have to manage the fact. Even if they come back, things may not be the same anymore.

They are not ours to keep. No matter how painful and heartbreaking it is, we still have to deal with it. Sooner or later, may time heals the pain and fills the void.

Me for one, have been praying for God to make this pain go away yet I'm still feeling it. I'm still longing for the one who is lost. Though I know that I'm just another leaf in the clover or another fraction of a memory. How sad...How sad indeed.

And to pretend that all is okay makes it more difficult and painful.

Frustration

I just came back from a 5 days' travel outstation. Found out that my kids have not done their exercises and didn't focus on their studies. My son, on the other hand, went for a competition and I had to miss it. I have tried, in all might, to attend every programs and to be there where their school matters. My husband is working on shift, so he couldn't be there as well.

I couldn't help but feel frustrated with myself. I am supposed to be there for my son, to support him morally and I know he would have loved it. I feel frustrated with my daughter because she couldn't sustain herself when I am not around. And she is having an important exam by end of the year. Not that I impose strongly on her that she must obtain straight As in the exam, I just don't want her to be left out.

I'm not putting the blame on myself either, because I know we can't afford to have only one breadwinner in the household. I'm just thinking if there is another way out...

So I need to justify what are the most important things in my life right now. Money and position are not part of it. That's for sure.

Confused

More often than not, I will get confused between what I want and what I am supposed to be doing. For example, I want to do something for myself like travel the world. But at the same time I need to be here to take care of my kids and my family. Most importantly, I need to work so that I will get the income for our sustenance.

After reading other successful people's Blogs, FB postings and Instagrams, I realised that in order to be happy and being satisfied with my life, I have to go after my dreams. Meaning that I need to forgo whatever that I am doing now and go after my dreams. And I need to do that now, or never.

So at times, I get confused. Or probably that's my mindfrick working their tricks on my mind. I don't know. Probably they are.

Currently, I'm trying to think how best can I get out of this dilemma. Of course, one way or the other, there will be things that I have to let go. I will gain some and lose some. And I have to be prepared.

I've been through the same back in 2010 and the results were not as expected. It was terrible. The decision I made then have turned my life and my family, upside down. I don't want the same to be repeated. So I may have to take more time in thinking about it and taking the necessary steps to ensure everything will be taken care of, when I finally made my decision.

I have faith in God who Knows what is best for me and I have faith that He will answer my calling and provide the proper guidance to my worries.