I've been trying to avoid this feeling that I feel inside. Probably trying to "ignore" it would be the best word to describe what I've been doing.
Every time this feeling creeps into my heart I would just put it aside and do something else. All the while putting up a brave face, pretending to be strong, busying myself and my mind with work and assignments and family. You know what? It's not going away. It's still there, deep inside my heart. So sometimes, like tonight, it will come back to surface.
It's been a while since the last time I cried. In fact, it's been three days. Heh. Yeah...grieve hit me that night when I was in Melaka. Because it was the 2nd of August. My Abah died on the 2nd of August, 5 years ago. Five years! Not only that, I was also crying for Mak and Abang. Oh, I missed them so much!
It cuts me deep when I feel "lost". You know, at times when we need to get away, we can always go back to our hometown and ask our mothers to cook our favourite food? Just being there was comforting. Protected, somehow. But I'm unable to do all that now. Not anymore. That thought alone, is devastating. How sad...
At the back of my mind, there is always this feeling of 'void'. Something's amiss. I once asked you, have you ever feel alone even when you are in the midst of a crowd? I get that feeling a lot.
Time will heal. So they say. I hope so, too.
Saturday, 5 August 2017
Monday, 10 July 2017
How Do You Get Over Grieve?
How do you deal with the loss of a loved one?
Once, I care not about this question. Though a very long time ago, when I was 12 years old, I would often dreamed of my mother passing away and I would cry in my sleep.
When my father died in 2012, I was in a short bereavement because I could comprehend the fact that he died in a blessed way. It was Ramadhan, the holy month of Islam and it was also on a Friday, the day of all days. People said that if one passed away on Friday, means he is a blessed soul. I guess Abah was doubly blessed. Not only did he passed away on Friday, but it was the holy month as well.
Besides, at that time I still had my mom to think of. Not too long after my dad's passing, she fell ill so I had to take care of her. While working and taking care of my two young kids, I had my hands' full and not so much time left to grieve.
But after my mom passed on in 2013, it was too much to bear. Probably because I felt guilty for not taking care of her as much as I should. Probably because she was my mother, the woman who had given birth to me and took care of me since I was a baby. Probably because I felt like I had no one else to turn to, now. As a muslim, I was supposed to accept the fate that every living things will die including humans. From God do we come, to Him we shall return. I did accept the fact that she was gone and will never come back. However, the feeling of sadness...oh, God! Didn't seem to go away. Was it sadness, was it guilt, was it lost, I don't know. I was in grieve. That's all I know.
Immediately after she passed away, it was as if she had taken a part of my life along with her. My spirits died with her. I had no more passion to work, I had no more need for laughter, I couldn't even bring myself to take care of my kids. Everything just....died. It was a very dreadful feeling. Emptiness. Void. Something is amiss. That kind of feeling.
I realised that it took me almost two years to get over it. TWO YEARS! Throughout those years I prayed and prayed and prayed and I cried and cried and cried and I read the Quran and its translation, something that I had never done before.
So, how did I know that I had gotten over the grieve?
It was this feeling of peace that I could finally let go of my mom and her memories. Not forgetting. But letting go.
Now the cycle begins again, after my brother died. It was too hard for me. Probably the same ol' feeling of guilt, for not taking care of him enough, not doing enough and not trying hard enough. Probably all those sadness from my father's passing and my mother's came flooding back.On top of all that, I think was this feeling that I had no one to turn to, anymore. The attachment is not here anymore. It's gone. Like a lifeline that I've been holding on to, for many many years...and suddenly it's been cut off. Or like daylight that suddenly turns to darkness.
After almost four months, I am still grieving. Deep down inside, I am still in bereavement. Even though publicly, physically, mentally, I may not have shown the traces of grieve. I still am. Physically, it is taking a toll on my health. I've been constantly sick, subconsciously. Not really in my top form. Mentally I am in an auto-pilot mode. Not really thinking on my feet.
No, it is not something that we can turn on and off like a switch. It is something that we have to endure and only time would tell when we will get out of it. IF we would ever get out of it. Some people die in their grieve. They never did get out. So I'm praying for God to grant me peace. To give His Love and Kindness to get over this pain, this suffering, this grieve. Because I still have my husband and my kids who needs me. I still have to live this life, for myself.
In time, I'm sure, I will get over this grieve. "When?" is the question I can't answer. If God is willing, I will heal in no time.
How did you get over your grieving period? What did you do? How long did it take you to get over the loss of your loved ones? Mind sharing this with me. Perhaps it will also give me some sort of relief.
Once, I care not about this question. Though a very long time ago, when I was 12 years old, I would often dreamed of my mother passing away and I would cry in my sleep.
When my father died in 2012, I was in a short bereavement because I could comprehend the fact that he died in a blessed way. It was Ramadhan, the holy month of Islam and it was also on a Friday, the day of all days. People said that if one passed away on Friday, means he is a blessed soul. I guess Abah was doubly blessed. Not only did he passed away on Friday, but it was the holy month as well.
Besides, at that time I still had my mom to think of. Not too long after my dad's passing, she fell ill so I had to take care of her. While working and taking care of my two young kids, I had my hands' full and not so much time left to grieve.
But after my mom passed on in 2013, it was too much to bear. Probably because I felt guilty for not taking care of her as much as I should. Probably because she was my mother, the woman who had given birth to me and took care of me since I was a baby. Probably because I felt like I had no one else to turn to, now. As a muslim, I was supposed to accept the fate that every living things will die including humans. From God do we come, to Him we shall return. I did accept the fact that she was gone and will never come back. However, the feeling of sadness...oh, God! Didn't seem to go away. Was it sadness, was it guilt, was it lost, I don't know. I was in grieve. That's all I know.
Immediately after she passed away, it was as if she had taken a part of my life along with her. My spirits died with her. I had no more passion to work, I had no more need for laughter, I couldn't even bring myself to take care of my kids. Everything just....died. It was a very dreadful feeling. Emptiness. Void. Something is amiss. That kind of feeling.
I realised that it took me almost two years to get over it. TWO YEARS! Throughout those years I prayed and prayed and prayed and I cried and cried and cried and I read the Quran and its translation, something that I had never done before.
So, how did I know that I had gotten over the grieve?
It was this feeling of peace that I could finally let go of my mom and her memories. Not forgetting. But letting go.
Now the cycle begins again, after my brother died. It was too hard for me. Probably the same ol' feeling of guilt, for not taking care of him enough, not doing enough and not trying hard enough. Probably all those sadness from my father's passing and my mother's came flooding back.On top of all that, I think was this feeling that I had no one to turn to, anymore. The attachment is not here anymore. It's gone. Like a lifeline that I've been holding on to, for many many years...and suddenly it's been cut off. Or like daylight that suddenly turns to darkness.
After almost four months, I am still grieving. Deep down inside, I am still in bereavement. Even though publicly, physically, mentally, I may not have shown the traces of grieve. I still am. Physically, it is taking a toll on my health. I've been constantly sick, subconsciously. Not really in my top form. Mentally I am in an auto-pilot mode. Not really thinking on my feet.
No, it is not something that we can turn on and off like a switch. It is something that we have to endure and only time would tell when we will get out of it. IF we would ever get out of it. Some people die in their grieve. They never did get out. So I'm praying for God to grant me peace. To give His Love and Kindness to get over this pain, this suffering, this grieve. Because I still have my husband and my kids who needs me. I still have to live this life, for myself.
In time, I'm sure, I will get over this grieve. "When?" is the question I can't answer. If God is willing, I will heal in no time.
How did you get over your grieving period? What did you do? How long did it take you to get over the loss of your loved ones? Mind sharing this with me. Perhaps it will also give me some sort of relief.
Tuesday, 2 May 2017
Moving Forward
Last year, in the midst of all the frenzy when my brother was diagnosed with the deadly cancer, I had to make a difficult decision.
You see, I did the Executive MBA some time in 2003. But I managed to pursue the course only for half a year, when it was a one and a half year programme. Last year, I chanced upon a MBA programme with the Henley Business School, in University of Reading right here where I live. The campus is just 10 minutes away from my house. They were willing to give me a 50% discount with a very attractive installment package. How could I say "no"? I have been putting it off for more than 10 years. It is something that I have been wanting to do in my life.
It was a difficult decision because when my brother was sick, I had to attend to him every alternate week. With the study, there may be times when I couldn't go and visit him.
Nevertheless, I took up the challenge. Life has to go on, right? At that moment in time, I thought to myself "it is now or never". Furthermore, the School provided us with online study materials and almost anything you can find, in their virtual library, online. The classes, which they call 'workshops' are done every once in two months and an assignment in between. So I guess it wouldn't be as hard.
I finally signed up for it and made the payment for two semesters. The first class started in February. Indeed, it wasn't so intense. They told us that they have revised the modules so that the whole programme will last for 2 and a half years. Meaning that I will only complete it in 2019. May God bless my journey.
Some things are just meant to be, when God says so.
You see, I did the Executive MBA some time in 2003. But I managed to pursue the course only for half a year, when it was a one and a half year programme. Last year, I chanced upon a MBA programme with the Henley Business School, in University of Reading right here where I live. The campus is just 10 minutes away from my house. They were willing to give me a 50% discount with a very attractive installment package. How could I say "no"? I have been putting it off for more than 10 years. It is something that I have been wanting to do in my life.
It was a difficult decision because when my brother was sick, I had to attend to him every alternate week. With the study, there may be times when I couldn't go and visit him.
Nevertheless, I took up the challenge. Life has to go on, right? At that moment in time, I thought to myself "it is now or never". Furthermore, the School provided us with online study materials and almost anything you can find, in their virtual library, online. The classes, which they call 'workshops' are done every once in two months and an assignment in between. So I guess it wouldn't be as hard.
I finally signed up for it and made the payment for two semesters. The first class started in February. Indeed, it wasn't so intense. They told us that they have revised the modules so that the whole programme will last for 2 and a half years. Meaning that I will only complete it in 2019. May God bless my journey.
Some things are just meant to be, when God says so.
Monday, 1 May 2017
Reflection #01
There are times when I feel like I have not done enough in my life. Even though I now have my own family with two wonderful kids, I have my own house that I call "home", I have a steady income and almost anything that I could ever think of.
Why is that so?
Most people would say that I am being ungrateful. I don't think so. I am always grateful for what God has bestowed upon me all these years. Since I was young, I have never lived a life of misery. My family was never "dirt poor". We would always have something to eat, a house to live in, clothes to wear (even if they were hand-me-downs from my cousins) and we were always able to go to school. Though it wasn't luxurious, we had what we need.
I have been thinking about what I'm feeling for the past few days. Looking back at my life, I realised that this feeling is not about 'what' is missing but it is about 'how'.
I was the second child in the family. More often than not, second child is labelled as 'The Rebels'. Probably because we do rebel a lot. But why we do that? It wasn't because we envy the first child. It wasn't because we wanted the attention. But it was because we were not given the attention that we were supposed to get. More so when the third or fourth or fifth child came along. The second would always remain as a second.
In my case, sadly enough, I was always compared to, against my elder brother by my mother. Not only in terms of education but also in terms of behaviors. Yes, I was the active one. Yes, I was the naughty one. Yes, sometimes words that came out of my mouth were unwarranted words, unworthy of being spoken by a child. Should I be punished and labelled as "spoiled" just because of that? Should I be denied of the attention and love that I was supposed to receive just because of who I was?
I've been trying in vain to let go of these ill feelings. At times, I am proud of myself for all the achievements that I have gained in my adult years. I am proud that I managed to score the same grades as my brother did, twice! Perhaps that's why sometimes I feel like I'm letting myself down. I put high expectations on myself! So, when I couldn't meet those expectations, of course I would feel bad and incapable.
No, this is not easy but I have to try and get it over with.
To all you parents out there, my plea to you is this:
Please DO NOT differentiate the treatment between your children. Each of them, has their own uniqueness. Just monitor and manage. If there is a need, change it individually so that they can become a better person. But down downgrade them against their own siblings.
Why is that so?
Most people would say that I am being ungrateful. I don't think so. I am always grateful for what God has bestowed upon me all these years. Since I was young, I have never lived a life of misery. My family was never "dirt poor". We would always have something to eat, a house to live in, clothes to wear (even if they were hand-me-downs from my cousins) and we were always able to go to school. Though it wasn't luxurious, we had what we need.
I have been thinking about what I'm feeling for the past few days. Looking back at my life, I realised that this feeling is not about 'what' is missing but it is about 'how'.
I was the second child in the family. More often than not, second child is labelled as 'The Rebels'. Probably because we do rebel a lot. But why we do that? It wasn't because we envy the first child. It wasn't because we wanted the attention. But it was because we were not given the attention that we were supposed to get. More so when the third or fourth or fifth child came along. The second would always remain as a second.
In my case, sadly enough, I was always compared to, against my elder brother by my mother. Not only in terms of education but also in terms of behaviors. Yes, I was the active one. Yes, I was the naughty one. Yes, sometimes words that came out of my mouth were unwarranted words, unworthy of being spoken by a child. Should I be punished and labelled as "spoiled" just because of that? Should I be denied of the attention and love that I was supposed to receive just because of who I was?
I've been trying in vain to let go of these ill feelings. At times, I am proud of myself for all the achievements that I have gained in my adult years. I am proud that I managed to score the same grades as my brother did, twice! Perhaps that's why sometimes I feel like I'm letting myself down. I put high expectations on myself! So, when I couldn't meet those expectations, of course I would feel bad and incapable.
No, this is not easy but I have to try and get it over with.
To all you parents out there, my plea to you is this:
Please DO NOT differentiate the treatment between your children. Each of them, has their own uniqueness. Just monitor and manage. If there is a need, change it individually so that they can become a better person. But down downgrade them against their own siblings.
Thursday, 27 April 2017
Don't Turn Away
The sun is setting
in the horizon
the world is getting darker
my heart is beating harder
I can see you clearly
even with my eyes closed tight
a faint smile on your face
is what I can see
fading away with the remaining light
I hold out my hands
but I can't reach out to thee
and you look at me for a while
before you start to turn and leave
Oh please don't go...
I beg of you
Don't leave me alone in this darkness
For I don't know what to do
You stopped and approached me slowly
touched my face with your cold fingers
looked into my eyes and said to me gently
"I'm sorry, but I can't stay any longer"
Tears start to flow down my cheeks
My muffled cry made you take a peek
"Don't cry my dear, I will always be near
Just feel it in your heart and I will be there".
When I open my eyes the darkness has gone
Light is shining upon me from somewhere beyond
I know that you are gone and shall never come back
I'll cherish the moments and all the memories that we've ever had.
in the horizon
the world is getting darker
my heart is beating harder
I can see you clearly
even with my eyes closed tight
a faint smile on your face
is what I can see
fading away with the remaining light
I hold out my hands
but I can't reach out to thee
and you look at me for a while
before you start to turn and leave
Oh please don't go...
I beg of you
Don't leave me alone in this darkness
For I don't know what to do
You stopped and approached me slowly
touched my face with your cold fingers
looked into my eyes and said to me gently
"I'm sorry, but I can't stay any longer"
Tears start to flow down my cheeks
My muffled cry made you take a peek
"Don't cry my dear, I will always be near
Just feel it in your heart and I will be there".
When I open my eyes the darkness has gone
Light is shining upon me from somewhere beyond
I know that you are gone and shall never come back
I'll cherish the moments and all the memories that we've ever had.
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