Life and Death

Seems like I have not been keeping my own part of the deal to keep this Blog going. I should have used it to pen down my thoughts and my feelings. But I have been turning to Facebook in doing all that nowadays though this Blog has always been on my mind. 

I wrote in 2015 that 2016 was going to be a year of HOPE. In way, it has. 

This photo was captured in 2015

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah, I managed to secure a job in the middle of the year. Based in Johor where my family resides. I thought all was well until I had to travel more often than I thought I would. Not only because of my work but also because I had to attend to my elder brother.

Sadly, he was diagnosed with cancer sometime in September. Stage 4! Not any kind of cancer, it was pancreatic cancer. One of the rarest kind. It was indeed a devastating news for all of us. He was in shock. So was I and my other siblings. How could we afford another loss after all those years trying to get over the sorrow of losing both my parents?  

Since my brother was a bachelor, I knew I had to be there for him to support and help him in anyway I could. Hence I travelled from JB to KL almost every other weekend to attend to him. That's over 600km to and fro. He started his chemotherapy session in October. Prior to that, we tried to look for other alternative treatment but they were too expensive. So my brother decided to go for chemo first. 

At first, he was put on the normal chemo regime for 6 cycles. Every cycle would require him to undergo treatment once a week for three weeks. Then he'd go on 'break' for two weeks before he would go for the second cycle. However, he did only the first cycle before the Doctor at the ward asked him to go home and spend time with family. Just because the treatment has no effect on my brother! How insensitive. But the Head of Oncology asked him to be put on another regime. This time, my brother had to take the chemo pouch home for 48 hours every alternate week. There was quite an improvement. 

Unfortunately, my brother became weaker and weaker by the weeks. He couldn't eat very much. What he did was drink milk made for diabetics. Every now and then he'd ask me to buy some food but when I put them in front of him he just won't touch it. People said that's what chemo did for patients. It kills their appetite. 

My brother passed away on 20th March 2017. Most people thought that he fought the Big C in a matter of 6 months, because that was when he got to know about it. But I knew and the Head of Oncology said it himself, that he's been having this dreadful thing for almost 2 years before he was diagnosed. 

Laid to rest.

I was indeed a very sad moment for me and my two younger brothers. We've lost yet another family member. But who are we to deny his fate? 

My brother was laid to rest in line with my parents' grave. Our family and his friends were there to bid him farewell. They were there when he breathed his last breath at the hospital. Others gave tribute to him through his Facebook timeline and also through their own Blogs. It was so heart wrenching. I didn't know that my brother had contributed so much to the creative industry. 

So, 2016 was indeed a Hopeful year because we were hopeful that my brother would overcome the Big C. Finally he succumbed to it in 2017. 

Us. 1971.

In trying to make this year an awesome year, I have to face this challenge of getting over my brother's passing. It's not as easy as it seems. Me and my brother was only 11 months apart. He was my best friend and my foe since we were kids. Most people don't understand how it feels. Only those who have lost their loved ones one after the other would feel the pain. So yes, I am still in grieve although it has been more than a month. Given time, I will get over this sinking feeling. Insya Allah. 

As a Muslim, I have to move on with life. Yet I can't forget that soon, my time will also come to join my parents and my brother wherever they are. I have to live my life as it is while at the same time make the effort to increase my investment for the hereafter. For that's where my final destination will be.  

AMRI ROHAYAT BIN AHMAD RANI (2/10/1968 - 20/3/2017)

May Allah bless his soul and place him among the righteous. May Allah ease this sorrow and grieve that I am feeling and place it with His never ending love, forgiveness and mercy. 

Amiinnn.


On the News

2016

Hello!
It seems like I have neglected this Blog since we arrived at 2016. It wasn't intentional. I had some issues that I need to settle.

So...how has my 4 months been? Let's see:

1. My kids have grown up taller. My daughter has almost reached my height! And she is so proud of herself. Heh. She's going to be 10 this May and my son will be 9 in June.

2. My school friend, who had the rectum cancer, passed away on New Year's eve. I couldn't go and visit his family then. So we communicated through Facebook.

3. My cousin held a double wedding for her sons in March. It was a grand wedding! The day after the wedding, we went for a retreat at this eco-resort called 'Tanah Aina Farrah Soraya'. It was a great feeling.

4. Another school friend, whom I knew very well, passed away on April 1. It was a sudden death. Again, I wasn't able to go and visit. She had no children. So I pity her husband very much. The last time I met her was on 25th December 2015, when she was waiting on her husband who was hospitalised.

5. I didn't look for a job. But I guess I need to.

That's all in a nutshell. I'll write some more in a few days' time.

Five Years in Summary

Soon, very soon, 2015 is going to leave us. And soon, very soon, 2016 will come a knocking.

Reflecting on my life the past 6 years, this is to summarise it:
2010 - Anger & Frustration
2011 - Repentance
2012 & 2013 - Sadness
2014 - Trying Hard To Forget
2015 - Peace & Coming Home

For 2016, I place my hope. So it'll be a year of Hope.

Reflection

Tonight I had the chance to reflect on my life. I mean, really reflect.

I have carried this hurt, this pain, this frustration and this disappointment for 20 years. Yes, that is a long time. In suffering those feelings, I became angry and laid it out on other people. I wasn't being a happy person. I wasn't being me. I blamed it on those who have hurt me, those whom I consider the cause of this hurt, this pain, this frustration, this disappointment. People often say "time would heal". I can't deny that. Yes, time would heal. But it took me 20 years! That was almost half my life.

I've wasted away my youth. I was trying to find 'true happiness' and yet, I led myself to being hurt one after another. Then I became a workaholic. I failed to see all the beautiful things that have happened to me along the way. I wasn't being ungrateful, no. I was only living my life on 'auto pilot' (if you know what I mean). I couldn't appreciate the life that I was living. How foolish of me.

Then, God gave me the opportunity to heal. He showed me how to find myself. Again. I am glad. Because then I was able to really get it into my head and my heart that all these while, it wasn't those people who made my life miserable. It was me. I failed to understand that it was all fated. Written in my Book long before I was put into my mother's womb. I know about it, but I failed to make my thoughts and my feelings understand it. But since God has opened my heart to Him, I finally do understand. The feeling was like coming out to the open after being shut in a dark room. Everything became clear to me. And I really felt like a bonehead!

As Jennifer Steed would have put it, I "came home". I am now at peace. I am myself. I am so grateful that Allah has given me this chance yet again to find my true path. Allah is the AlMighty. He made everything happen according to His Qudrah and Iradah. Indeed, He has given me everything that I NEED. And I realise that now. And I pray that He will guide me on the right path til the day I go back to Him. Insya Allah.

‪#‎AllahKnowsBest‬

Soul Search

I have to admit, ever since I quit my job in December 2014, I have been a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). I send my kids to school, pick them up, do the laundry and cook.

Day after day, it becomes monotonous. Most of the time I'll be wondering what to cook because I've been cooking the same dish day after day. However, I am grateful that my husband and my kids are not picky eaters. They will eat whatever I serve on the table. Though sometimes they will request what dish they want me to cook. And I would oblige.

I have also been praying and reading the Al Quran. A realisation came to me when I was warded in the hospital on the second day of Ramadhan. I realised that I have not been a good servant. When I was working, I didn't take care of my prayers. Most of the time I didn't complete the five times.

But since Ramadhan, I have been praying and reading the Al Quran so much that I think I prayed and read the Al Quran verses more in these few months than I ever did in the past years. How ignorant can I be, huh?

Apart from that, I have also been very grateful for what I have in life and I'll tell God that I am grateful. Even though I now have less money than I had before, I think now I have what I haven't had before (or what I haven't been truly grateful for) and that is my family.